At Least I'm Not As Sad As I Used To Be

For some strange reason, people seem to think I have the answers to relationship problems... Which is odd because I honestly have more questions than anyone at this point in my life. I should be the one asking questions! But these are some thoughts that I've had this weekend about relationships. Maybe someone will find this useful. Hopefully. 

I was browsing on Facebook and I saw something reposted from Tumblr that said "I wish there were necklaces given to us that birth that were half of a unique shape and your soulmate wore the other half and they got warmer the closer together you were and colder the further away you were so you could go on this journey when you're ready to find your other half so that you could be spared all the pain and heartbreak of being played with by those who don't take dating as seriously as you do."

When I first read this, I thought "Holy Hanna, if only." Wouldn't that be so much better? You would know for sure who your other half was and there would be no pain along the way? No heartbreak, no trust issues, no anxiety, no tears, just the excitement on being on the journey? How easy, how simple..

How mindless.

I've been through my fair share of heartbreaks over the past few years, some of which are still very sensitive to me. And despite the tears, the depression, the aniexty, the self-hate, the loneliness, the uncertainty, and the general pains of these experiences, it's from this darkness that I've learned the most important lessons of life. And from these experiences, I've gained a better understanding of what love is. Love isn't necessarily finding a person that you automatically connect with on every level. Love is a journey, a never-ending process, a beautiful work in constant progress.

Would you really want destiny to determine your future for you? Would you want your future handed to you on a silver platter, with no effort or connection to it? With no emotional tie to your own future? Would you want the greatest treasure of your life simply handed to you, when you haven't taken the time to learn about and appreciate its unique and beautiful qualities?

In case you need a checkpoint, your answer should be NO.

Like anything in life, it's always better when you work for it. In school, in family life, in your occuation, in your relationships with others. When you work to improve yourself, your expectations and your strategies for success, the journey is always more impactful and the end result is always more meaningful. Ladies and gents, I know love is hard. I know relationships are hard. I know that boys/girls are stupid. I know that people are heartless. But that doesn't mean there isn't a treasure that you have to work to discover. That doesn't mean you give up. It means you get over it, move on, and learn from your mistakes. Or those mistakes will return to haunt you until you finally decide to learn from them.

Think of these hardships and sorrows as merely pieces to the road you're on. It's hard work and some days you just won't be able to think of your challenges in that way. But the journey is worth it and the treasure that you work towards is more precious then you could ever comprehend. Choose that you will get up and move on and NOT let your heartbreak rule you. Rule your heartbreak and let it teach you.

Goodbye Apathy

Today I waiting for my train to go back home after work. An older homeless man sat down next to me and I just did my best to ignore him like every other person on the station. I had a lot on my mind today. Starting a second job. Trying to balance it with my first. My missionary's first birthday away from home. My school schedule for next semester that wasn't working out. My new medications I have to start soon. Paying bills and rent. Anxiety's been settling in nicely these past few weeks.

As much as I tried to block out everyone around me with my huge headphones on with some loud Timbaland song playing, the man tried to talk to me. He spoke, waiting for me to respond, and when I didn't, he spoke louder. I took off my headphones unwillingly, not in a good enough mood to talk to strangers in downtown Salt Lake. The man asked me various questions about myself: where I was coming from, where I was going, how did I like the U, why did I leave BYU, what do I want to do with my life. He told me about his niece my age and his brother who lived nearby, all with the sweetest smile on his face. And I found my anger, anxiety, and frustration slowly draining. My train home finally arrived and I got up to board the train. The man called out "God bless you, and you just keep working hard. It will be ok. Good luck with everything." It was all I could do to stop from bursting into tears on the train. And I had no problem with doing it as soon as I got off the train. Who the heck was this guy and why did he know that I so desperately needed someone to tell me that?

A few weeks ago, I had my job interview at Build A Bear Workshop and one of the questions that kept coming up on my interview questionnaire was "Do you believe people are inherently good?" I asked my manager about it and she read me a section of the employee handbook where it says that one of the company's core beliefs is that people are inherently good and that it why good customer service and strong relationships are so important to the business. I checked all the right answers just to get through the interview but for the next few days, that question stuck with me. Do I believe people are inherently good?

I haven't really come up with a yes/no answer yet but I thought a lot about how most people I know, particularly my generation, are inherently acting in their own self-interest. Which can mean a lot of different things but for my age group in particular, it doesn't necessarily mean "good" things. I'm at the age where everything is a competition: School, work, dating, friendships. Life is survival of the fittest and you can't expect to amount to anything if you aren't the best at what you do. You can't be the top in your class unless there are contenders below you who didn't perform as well. You can't get the best job unless you're more qualified and efficient than the other contenders. You can't have the best significant other unless you're the world's idea of Prince/Princess Charming and there are other contenders that are less desirable than you. Life at this age is pure competition! Which means there are brutal and unfair ways that people fight to the top. Which makes it pretty hard to believe that people are inherently good. If people were so good, wouldn't they do their best to lift up everyone instead of pushing down others to bring themselves to the top?

So survival of the fittest is all fine and dandy. It's what keeps life evolving and progressing right? One thing I've noticed is that my attitude towards this selfish competition is becoming more and more relaxed. Life is all about me right now. My problems, my dilemmas, just ME. I've been trying in past months to be a little more selfless but I justified my selfish tendencies by saying that I need to be selfish during this time of my life so I can have the resources to be selfless in the future. I tell myself it's ok to just focus on myself for these next few years because I'll have plenty of time in the future and be more prepared to be a better citizen of life when the "me years" are done.

Pretty stupid right?

I didn't realize this until the man on the train took time out of his own day to be selfless for a very selfish person like me. He was the person I didn't deserve in my life right now but I desperately needed to remind me what's really important. Because trying to be the best at work and trying to be the best in school certainly isn't it. Being more aware of people going through hardships around me and being more receptive to their needs, however, is ESSENTIAL.

Thank you random homeless man for telling me that things will work themselves out if I just work my hardest. Thank you for being selfless when I'm sure you have more reasons than I do to be selfish and egotistical. Thank you for being an example of inherently good people when society gives me plenty of examples of inherently selfish people. And thanks for the remind that I am an inherently self-interested person who needs to be a person more interested in others.

 

Give Me Love

Hmmm... I'm still not sure if this is a good idea to post about... Ah well, when have I ever been rational?

So I'm sure every single one of you has seen the article "Marriage Isn't For You" A better way to say it is I'm pretty sure your Facebook feed has been drowning with this post for the past couple weeks. At any rate, I've seen a lot of seperate articles, Facebook posts, blog posts, etc. all voicing their own opinions whether they think this guy is a heavenly genius or a certified lunatic. So that is my post for the day, simply adding to the noise about this marriage article. I'm not married so this is going to be from a different perspective but I think the concepts apply to some degree.

The author starts off with some advice that his father gave him about marriage. Copied and pasted, he said "You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy.
Let's start with the first part, you marry to make someone else happy. I could not disagree with the wording of this sentence any more. When has it EVER been healthy to let your happiness rely on one person? Any person at all? One of the most important lessons I've learned in life is to never let your personal happiness be determined on another person. People will always let you down, whether they intend to or not, whether they are the love of your life or not. Letting your happiness depend on how other people act is like walking around with a sign on your head saying "Please stab me repeatedly in the heart until I wake up from my dream in Fantasyland where Prince Charming is a mind-reader, where unicorns run across fields of candy trees and chocolate mountains, and where perfect people exist." The fact that people aren't perfect is one of the most BEAUTIFUL things about this world. Yep, that's right. The fact that people make mistakes, piss you off, ruin your life, ruin their own life, and overall mess the order of the universe up is BEAUTIFUL. As my wonderful friend Josh Nelson said, who wants to live in a world where everyone is perfect? How boring, how drab, how useless and unproductive of a life.

Anyways, back onto personal happiness. Now assuming that you marry to make someone else happy, wouldn't you also have to assume that everyone is perfect in order for this to work? That your spouse, partner, significant other, acquaintace knows exactly how to behave at every moment at every day in order for your personall happiness to be maximized? Sound a little too good to be true? Oddly enough, it is.
The author goes on to say that "A true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

Which is all sweet and fantastic and whatever. But is also so entirely unhealthy. Being entirely selfless worked for Jesus but that's pretty much where we draw the line. The other billions of people living around the world have the problem of being imperfect and selfish people. And I think that's just fine to be selfish sometimes! When I think of any relationship that I've had, romantic or otherwise, there have been moments when I had to be the strong one when the other was weak or when I needed the other to be strong because I was weak. And since we're imperfect people who live life like it's a rollercoaster, we're going to have ups and downs. It is simply impossible to be selfless all the time. Sure, it's a nice goal to work towards but don't be too surprised when it doesn't work.

I know it sounds like I'm just continously bashing on this guy's thought process but he's not completely wrong. He's right in the sense that you need to be constantly aware of the other person's needs and that being selfless is something to work towards (even though we already know it's next to impossible to always be that way). I think a more accurate title would be "Marriage Isn't Just About You." It is so important to be loving, supportive, and understanding in all of your relationships, really to anyone you meet in general. But it's equally important to be aware of your own needs and to realize that you can't fully rely on another imperfect person to take care of those needs for you. It's important to be aware that it's ok to be selfish sometimes. It's important to be aware that you can't always be Superman. Sometimes you have to be Lois Lane.

As I've said before, one of the most significant lessons to learn is that you can't let your happiness depend on the actions of imperfect people. I've seen this reliance on other people break people's hearts and it's broken my own heart multiple times, and not just in a romantic relationship either. What I've learned about relationships is that sometimes you need the other's help and love to remind you of your strength and potential to succeed. Sometimes you're the weak one and sometimes you're the strong one. But the beautiful thing about any type of relationship is that true love and friendship is when you don't care how often you are the strong one or how often you are the weak one. The only thing that matters to you is that you are continously working to build up the other and to build yourself up because you want to see the both of you succeed and progress towards your personal happiness.

One thing that I learned from this article is that there are many "recipes" for love because no two relationships are the same. Isn't that beautiful? My way to build a successful relationship is totally different from yours, even if there are a few similarities. Take what advice you may but also recognize that this article's advice or my thoughts may not apply to you as much as it does to others. People love others differently and people feel love from others differently. I think the amazing part of any relationship, whether it's a family member, a friend, or a significant other, is the journey in discovering how your relationship needs to work in order for both people to benefit the most from it. And for some relationships, that's a life long process. But enjoy the journey, enjoy the lessons, enjoy the mistakes, enjoy the triumphs, enjoy the imperfections. And always keep moving forward with unconditional love, not backwards with apathy.


P.S. This is one of my favorite songs ever.

Everybody's Watching Me (Uh Oh)

I'm being watched.
And it's terrifying.

About a month ago, I went to my home ward to see sweet little Ansel perform in the church's Primary program. I noticed during the Sacrament that the little girl sitting next to me was copying everything I was doing. She was sitting in the same way that I was, ankles crossed, hands folded on my lap, a little slouched over. Just to test her, I uncrossed my ankles, sat straigh up in my chair, and started to braid a piece of my hair. And even though this girl couldn't have been more than three years old, she sat up straight and pretended to braid her hair. I reached down to open the hymn book and I started to read a sacrament hymn. The little girl opened her hymn book and began to pretend it, occasionally glancing up at me from the corner of her eye to make sure I wasn't shifting my position.

This should have just been a cute little moment where I thought it was just adorable that this little girl was trying to act like a grown-up (or whatever you want to call me). But I was terrified.

Why is this girl following my every move?
Why doesn't she follow someone else's movements?
WHY ME?!?

I've never really considered myself an outstanding example to follow. Not only am I the most embarassing person in the universe but I am so far from being a positive role model. I make mistakes. Big ones. A lot. I've done plenty of things I'm not proud of. And it really pains me that this is the model that the people in my life have to look up to. Me, the person who is hard-hearted and cold, who is fleeting and afraid of settling down, who is wandering without a clear path, who is slipping off the slope in every direction. This is the mess my brothers have to see, my roommates have to see, my peers have to see, my friends have to see, my family has to see. And they're expected to learn something from me? Maybe what NOT to do in life. But I'm certainly not much to be proud of.

I think this little girl made me realize that as much as I wish people didn't look up to me, people still do. And we have to always be ready for that. We always have to strive to be people we're proud of. We always have to be individuals that others can learn from in a positive light. We have to put the fake smile on our face and pretend we know what we're doing. And that's something everyone can do. You can always be a better person than you were the day before. You can always shine a little brighter for the people around you. You can always talk a little nicer, stand a little taller, smile a little brighter, hope a little higher.

Always be the best representation of yourself.
You are always being watched. Even when you wish you weren't.

Right Thoughts, Right Words, Right Actions

This blog post might be a mess, but truly, I'm kind of a mess right now. I started a new pill (cough, nudge, wink) this week and it's been a struggle. I haven't slept well in days, I have the temper of an army sergeant, and I've been so hungry ALL THE TIME. I just ate a huge beef chimichanga and I'm still so hungry I can barely remember my name... So if this post makes you question my sanity, trust me you're not alone. I had a dream about Michael Jackson line dancing last night, I'm pretty worried too.

Anyways, this week I've been thinking a lot about my endurance. Or lack thereof. If you've kept up on my posts or been a close enough friend, you'll know that my life has been one huge change on top of another for the past year or so. And while I at first thought that it simply meant I was just improving my life and showing a sign of strength, I've started to come to the conclusion that it might be a weakness. What does making constant changes in my life suggest? That I just might not be strong enough to handle the cards placed before me.

It's always been my philosophy that if you don't like something, change it. And up until this point, I really didn't have much of a problem giving up on things and moving on to the next chapter.

Until I realized that I can't change everything.

Until I realized that I'm truly vunerable.

Until I realized that I really do care more than I want to admit.

But what's the balance then? When do you just have to face the facts and learn to endure instead of trying to find a way out?

And is it a bad thing to want to change at all?

I'd like to think that the changes I've gone through in the past year have shaped me into a better person. I'd like to think that I'm more equipped to handle life's challenges now. I'd like to think it'll be better from here on out. But I'm not so sure. I think I've learned to be a really fast runner from all conflicts. I've learned to be a really sneaky avoider of all problems. I've learned to be a really crafty manipulator of all trials.

But I have no idea how to sit and deal with problems. I only know how to run.

Maybe this next stage of my life will be an endurance run instead of a speed run. Maybe some day I will be ok with walking instead of racing. Maybe someday I'll be content instead of anxious.

Maybe someday change will be a sign of strength again.

Adrift

And so ends another General Conference. This post isn't exactly going to be your typical social networking update about General Conference. No pictures of quotes written in Comic Sans. No Instagram pictures of the temple. No stupid hashtags like #teamuchtdorf or #teammonson. Just truth, just thoughts, just  realizations.

Every one take something different away from Conference and I guess my story begins the same way Conference starts, with the first session. I was picking up a common theme from the first few talks: Unity within the church and outside of it. I thought about this a lot as I was on the train to the conference center and I realized something that I had never quite picked up on about myself.

I feel no connection to the church anymore.

That's not to say that I don't believe in the gospel the LDS church teaches. I believe in a loving Father in Heaven and His Son Jesus Christ. I believe Jesus atoned for our sins and was crucified so that we can live again free from our mistakes. I believe in Joseph Smith and that he restored the true church. I believe in the prophet and his apostles. I believe in the power of the Priesthood and I believe in the sealing power of the temple. I still feel the Spirit and I still have a strong relationship with my Heavenly Father.

Despite this, I don't think I believe in the role of a church anymore.

I think this has been going on since I came to Utah but as this problem slowly and subtly got worse, it came to the point where my attitude had completely changed from what it had been before. I feel less and less sincerity from the members I associate with, whether it be the speaker in church or the crazy 1st counselor who always asks me why I'm not married yet. I spend more time thinking about how different my views from the world are from the other members' views instead of celebrating the similarities. I spend more time wondering if whoever is teaching honestly believes what they are teaching or are just simply teaching because that's what they're supposed to do. I spend more time wondering why the heck I'm still here.

And the always wonderful Jeffrey R. Holland reminded me why we need to be united, why we need to work together, why we need to set our differences aside, why we need to look the similarities and not the differences.

Because we're all broken.

You're broken. I'm broken. Your friends are broken. Your family is broken. Everyone you know and everyone I know is broken. We have all been broken in various capacities in our lives. For some it's mental and physical disabilities. For others, it's something much more horrifying. But for many others, it's the simple heartaches, pains, and challenges that we associate with the journey of life. And if that's the only similiarity I see between me and the members of the church that I simply cannot stand, I have to embrace that.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is not a perfect Church. The gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ is. The Church is a gathering of those broken souls who find comfort in the light of Christ and need a fellowship to find this light in a world that is growing darker. It's a fellowship of the stubborn, the narcisstic, the rude, the cruel, the stupid, the clueless, the obscene, and the ruthless and it's a fellowship of people who want to change these qualities in their characters. As much as I struggle to find faith and trust in the people of this Church, I have to realize that they are struggling to find faith and trust in themselves. And it just might be that I'm the key to helping them achieve that. And it just might be that those people I can't stand are the key to helping me change into the best person I can be.

For those that know me well, I'm a pretty hard-hearted and stubborn person. I'm a very prideful and wary person. And changing is nearly impossible for me. Conference today showed me a problem that I never knew I had. As much as I love the Lord, as much as I love His Spirit and the peace it brings my life, I need the fellowship of the church as well, even if I think it just might kill me. I'm beyond grateful for the peace of this gospel and I hope one day I'll be grateful for the Church that tries to live by it again. Any advice how to get past this is much appreciated :)

The (Shipped) Gold Standard

Tomorrow is the celebration of one month of living in Salt Lake City. One month of being a student at the University of Utah. One month of living in a house. One month of hellish adventures and exasperating frustrations. One month of memorable adventures and exciting happiness. One month of gaining experience.

And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I learned about life in just 30 short days.

1. Life hates any plan that you design for yourself and will happily and enthusiastically destroy any part of it that it doesn't like 

If you had told me a year ago that in 2013, I would be attending my rival university, living in downtown Salt Lake with someone I barely knew, and be trying to figure out a relationship with a missionary, I would have laughed myself  into a coma. And then woke up and punched you in the face. I seriously can't tell you how polar opposite my life was last year. I was attending BYU, dating a guy I had been with for two years, living in a comfortable little dorm room with freshman as naive and terrified as I was, and expecting life to stay that way for a few years. But as we all witness and experience, everything can change in a matter of seconds. Roadblocks pop up, people disappear, new people appear, your lens of the world around you changes, and pretty soon you're taking a much different path then you anticipated. Life has been sweet and gentle enough (cough) to inform me that I'm an idiot and that I'm in much less control then I want to be. But that's part of your learning process. Learning flexibility, patience, and endurance. Learning how to cope, how to work independently, how to manage challenges that might arise. Learning who is important and what the big picture is. Learning how to be a functional individual in a world where rationality and common decency are quite rare. Learning how to be YOU and accepting that YOU have a place in the universe. I hope I get something right about the path I plan for myself but I'm glad to be learning.

Another thing I've learned about life is that there is no wrong plan, there is simply good, better, and best. It wasn't wrong of me to go to BYU even if I'm not there now. It wasn't wrong of me not to serve a mission, even if it's what was expected of me. There are no wrong paths because they are all paths of learning. They are all paths of shaping your character and they are all paths that lead to a better you in the future. Even though life forces you to backtrack, stumble, question, hesitate, and wander, there are no wrong answers to where you choose to go.

2. Setting goals goes a long way 

As I've just said above, life has a tendency to shove your plans back in your face. But I've found that setting goals has been a good way to fight back against that opposition. Or maybe just make me feel better about it. Ok, maybe it's just so that I feel more accomplished. BUT, it helps :) It's pretty hard to progress if you don't have an idea of where you want to progress to. Make goals for your education, make goals for aspects of your character you want to change, make goals for your physical and social well-being. Or maybe all three. Never settle for travelling along on a plateau, always try to climb to new heights.

3. Life is not meant to be lived in comfort zones 

In just this month alone, I've had more unique and new experiences then I ever did in the last year. I've been to three concerts, several dance parties, sat in the home section at a football game cheering on the rival team, used public transportation to get pretty much everywhere, shopped in a Walmart with a parking garage, attempted to go to a frat party ;), lived in a house with girls several years older than me, and the list goes on and on. And this year is turning out to be an AMAZING one! Honestly, I've been so much happier doing the unexpected and just taking life by the horns. Life isn't meant to be watched from the sidelines, it's meant to be played. Take opportunities that you wouldn't have taken otherwise. And if opportunities aren't coming, seek them out yourself.

4. Things are never the way they appear

A month ago, I was beyond excited to be moving into cute little house in the Avenues in Salt Lake. Like constant singing, random dancing, big cheesy smile excited. But it only two weeks for Andrea and I to realize that our castle in the city was more like a prison in hell. The kitchen faucet broke and  currently sprays water all over the kitchen when you turn it on. Box Elder bugs crawled in from every crack in the wall and I would have to vacuum dozens of them up every other night in the bedroom. During the first big rainstorm, the ceiling in the living room leaked and soaked the couch. The bathroom sink is clogged most of the time and the toilet takes about 5 minutes to recover after you flush it. Half the outlets in the house stopped working. The utilities company was kind enough to inform us that there is a major water leak in the house somewhere, most likely in the vacant room. My landlord goes out of his way to make sure he ignores us when we call to complain. My other roommate steals my food and dishes, walks around the house wearing next to nothing, leaves a mess wherever she goes, sends me a text to tell me something when I'm in the same room as her, and is the most uncooperative person I've ever had the misfortune to meet. When I moved in a month ago, I never would have guessed that in a matter of days Andrea and I would be apartment hunting and be ready to move out after less than 3 weeks of living there. Yet here we are. Always hope for the best and expect the worst. Life has a tendency to surprise you in the most unwelcome and inconvenient ways but sometimes it can be a welcome surprise. Either way, be optimistically cautious.  

5. Things don't happen when you sit and wish, they happen through action.

My whole entire experience in Salt Lake so far can be summed up by the word action. Moving in, starting school, realizing I was in trouble where I was living, job hunting, apartment hunting, signing new contracts, finding replacements, testing my patience, fighting with the landlord, setting myself to have my heart broken, trying to have some fun amongst the craziness. ACTION. And believe me, life wouldn't get done without all that action. Sitting and hoping my first week didn't work at all. Even though there have been plenty of times where I've screwed up this month with everything going on, the only thing I regret are the times that I stood by without trying to fix my situation. If you want something to change, YOU have to do it. Fate isn't going to do it for you anymore, other people won't do it for you, the only person that can make you progress in life is you. And believe me, you are more capable of making change then you could ever expect. Everyone is.

Now that you've pondered my sage advice or delusional ramblings (whichever, neither answers are wrong!), please enjoy this delightful music video.

Anthem

This week, my inspiration is music. These past few weeks have been ridiculous with signing a new lease, getting ready to move, putting my current apartment on KSL, meeting possible replacements that have exceeded even my own wildest expectations, dealing with my psycho roommate who was placed on this earth merely to test all boundaries of my patience and sanity, finding and obtaining a new job, and attempting to reconcile with life. Here are some of my saviors this week... What's listed is the album title and my favorite song from the album is the video. Enjoy and no hating! ;) BTW, this isn't in any particular order

1. Franz Ferdinand~Right Thoughts, Right Words, Right Actions (Pretty much anything by Franz Ferdinand will change your life)



2. Kanye West~808s and Heartbreak

3. Kaskade~Atmosphere (Outstanding Album)

4. Arctic Monkeys~AM (if you like the Black Keys, you'll love this album)

5. The Black Keys~Brothers (El Camino is also a fantasic album)

6. Empire of the Sun~Walking on a Dream (Best album in the history of forever and always)



7. Panic! At the Disco~Vices and Virtues (Miss Jackson isn't on this album but it's my favorite song)

8. The Neighbourhood~I'm Sorry

9. Macklemore~The Heist (My mancrush and not-so-secret lover ;) Also listen to the V.S. EP and the original version of Otherside. Original version is incredible.)

10. Coldplay~Mylo Xyloto

11. Deadmau5~4X4=12 (Honestly it was tied with For Lack of A Better Name album so you should just listen to both!)

12. Florence and the Machine~Ceremonials (Lung Album is also phenomenal) 

13. Lana Del Ray~Born To Die

14. Krewella~Play Hard EP

15. The Killers~Hot Fuss

Time to Pretend

"Pick you up, let you down, when I wanna go to a place I can hide. You know me, I had plans but they just disappeared to the back of my mind. Oh can it be, the voices calling me they get lost and out of time. I should've seen a glow but everybody knows that a broken heart is blind."

"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold. I'll be fine once I get it, yeah, I'll be good."

"I keep on running, keep on running and nothing helps. I can't get away from you."

"But there is really nothing, nothing we can do. Love must be forgotten. Life can always start up anew. "

"When you're tired of racing and you found you never left the start. Come on baby, don’t let it break your heart.. When you're tired of aiming your arrows, still you never hit the mark."

If you know who sings all of the lyrics I used in the beginning of the post without cheating, we can be best friends for life.

As you can probably guess, the sitting, waiting, and wishing is over. Now here's to sitting, waiting, and wishing that some kind of hope is on the horizon.

I'm a single lady. My hands are up. I haven't put on my black leotard and hooker heels to dance around the white room in. My hands are shakily staying up. I hope soon that I'll be prancing around the universe with no cares in the world again. I hope I embrace that I will only have to worry about myself and frankly there's no one that does a better job of that than me. I hope that in spending some quality time alone that the only person that I need to learn to trust in is myself and that no one is in charge of my happiness besides me. I hope I can appreciate that my future is MINE and that's one thing no force in the universe can take that from me.

My inspirations for the week: Empire of the Sun because they are gods of the music world, Catherine because she's a huge example to me and is willing to share in the pain of this time of life, Josh because he let me make fun of him yesterday about his hilarious nightmares about life, Ansel because he listens to Black Eyed Peas and wants to take selfies with me, Alex because he can make me laugh, and my parents that seem like the only people in the world that still are behind me.

Life will be ok someday guys. Life is going to be ok....

Feel Good Inc.

Well it's the end of my first week out of the BYU danger zone. And guess what lovelies?

IT.
WAS.
DIVINE.

Simply divine. I absolutely love it at the U. The students body is so diverse, there really is a place for everybody here. Even for somebody like me that doesn't really fit in anywhere.

To try to help you understand my situation, we will explore one of my favorite movies of all time: Mean Girls. One of the reasons I left BYU is that I didn't fit in there at all. I was like Cady Heron on her first day of school, just your old-fashioned outcast eating my lunch in the bathroom stall (figuratively... or maybe literally... but probably figuratively ;) ). Going to the U is like being part of the PLASTICS for me. I love the diversity. I love the laidback personality. I love that the students come from all sides of life. I love living in Salt Lake. I love my adorable neighborhood that reminds me of Seattle. In essence, I'm in love with my new life.

Granted, my first week here hasn't been all dandelions and sunshine. In the craziness girls moving in and out, my internet service was cancelled, forcing me to camp at the library for most of the day to be able to do anything. I have no friends where I live. One of my roommates is driving me absolutely bonkers with her immaturity. The cooling system in my apartment is outdated and the temperature inside usually hovers in the 80s. Everyone I know lives at least 40 minutes away from me. The Box Elder bugs in the neighborhood are driving me to insanity and filling my life with terror. I was sent to 3 different wards today for church just in time for them to tell me that the ward I meet in had already finished their meetings hours ago.

But darlings, I am blessed.

 I am so grateful for the opportunity to live up in Salt Lake and to go to school at the U. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I actually belong somewhere. I feel like I'm heading in a positive, forward direction instead of just wandering. I feel like I'm progressing. Every person who I've crossed paths with is respectful, selfless, and unconditionally kind. Without their help, I would still be hopelessly wandering the school, hopelessly riding the bus without a clue where I'm at, hopelessly being trampled at the school dance when the drunkards at the campus party decided to mosh, and hopelessly trying to use the school's grading system.

I really want to shout out to my absolutely incredible boyfriend. He has been a huge support in the process of finding and moving into this apartment and I'm richly blessed. It amazes me how someone can be such a positive influence in my life, even when living so far away. Even though he won't be able to read this, he still deserves all the recognition I can give him. :) I'm a very fortunate person.

Guys, I'm blessed. Need I say more? :)

Power

Again, I'm back to the personal posts. But I guess the only people that read my blog are the ones that honestly care about my life so it's ok. I trust you'll be nice though darlings!!!

In Sacrament meeting, the talks were about the Priesthood in various capacities in the church. For those that don't know much about the LDS church, we believe in what's called the Priesthood power, which is the power to fulfill the ordinances in our church, everything from blessing sacrament to sealing families together in the temple. It's the governing power over the earth and it is given in various stages to men starting at age 12. With that very brief intro to the Priesthood, this one women was speaking about the Priesthood in the sense of her future spouse (clearly this was a singles ward lol). Much of her message was about how important it was to her that she married a man that honored his priesthood power and that used it to serve others selflessly. The other messages were about how the Priesthood blesses homes and family.

For those friends that know me closely, you'll know that this is a very sensitive topic with me. One of the guys I dated for a very long time in high school left the church and declared himself agnostic. After a lot of contemplating, praying, begging, and heartbreak, we decided to split up. This decision has caused me a lot of heartache and has destroyed my friendships with my ex's family and friends. The next few months were months of a lot of struggling, questioning, and second guessing. But I can proudly say today that I don't regret that decision.

I know without a doubt that I want the Priesthood in my home. This power is what allows me to be sealed to my family for the eternities. This power is what heals me when I'm sick and injured and what calms my troubled heart. This power allows me to be rejuvenated every week and rid myself of what I've done wrong. This power is what helped me survive those months of sorrow through the help of my father, bishop, and home teachers. This power has shaped me and nourished me. I cannot deny myself or my future family of this enabling power that will guide them through their every hardship. I can't deny my children the opportunity to ask their father for a blessing when they're scared to start school. When my children or I are sick, I can't deprive myself of the blessing to call the home teachers or my husband. I can't deny my children the experience of being baptized and confirmed by their father. I can't deny myself the power to seal my family to me not only for this life but for the next life to come, for longer than I could possibly imagine. I can't deny the power of the Priesthood access into my home. And if that makes me stupid that I want my family to be enriched by these blessings, then I'll happily and stupidly take this power.

Sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to stand up for what you believe in. Never question what you believe in, stand by it through anything. I'm so grateful for the influences of my father, grandfathers, uncles, bishops, and friends for their worthiness in holding and using their Priesthood power. And I'm so grateful for my boyfriend that honors his everyday by serving a mission he is proud of :) The Priesthood is something I will always, always, always want in my life.

Happy Sunday lovelies!

Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

This is a pretty personal post so take care to be sensitive to that. I don't really know why I am supposed to post this and I've been fighting it for the past few days... But I feel like I need to post this for some reason and I hope that reason is a good one. Because this is really taking me out of my comfort zone. Like a lot.

Today I will be posting as the girlfriend of a missionary. Now before you start to poke through the bars of the cage at the circus freak and question my intelligence, maturity, and sanity, give me the benefit of the doubt that I have NOT completely lost my mind. These days, the stories of girls waiting for their missionaries have turned into dramas worthy of a TV sitcom. The girl promises her missionary that she will wait for him, keeps up a good show for a few months, finds an RM who fulfills her every dream, dates for 2 weeks and gets married in 4, leaving poor Elder John in a miserable mess while still serving his mission. And in a not-so-distant past, I would have definitely laughed and scoffed at such a story. Seriously, what idiots. Do they have even have clue about life? Ever heard of patience before? It wasn't until I became that idiot that I realized there is much more to that story then what we gather from the outside.

Here is a very accurate description of my life. My missionary thinks I'm prime meat for the gentlemen, my family thinks I sit around waiting, my friends think I drown myself in my tears, the delusional part of me thinks I am perfectly content with the situation, but it really is just me desperately waiting for letter day. In reality, it's all of those things... except being prime meat for the gentlemen (but lesbehonest, Grade A material here ;) ). It truly is a hard thing to have a long distance relationship to the point that you hear from your significant other maybe twice a week. I think when Dom first left, I thought it was just going to be nice and easy. I mean it's just two years right? But that's two years without the little things you don't think about. No one to hold your hand, no one to kiss you goodnight, no one to tell you they love you. Not even the smaller things. No one has told me I'm beautiful in months. No one will watch stupid shows with me just because they want to be in my company. No one has sent me a text that says good morning and hope you have a good day. No one will just tell me it will be ok even when I know it won't be. And when you think back on the past 2 years, what all changed in your life? Let me answer that: EVERYTHING.

Now this is where the confusion, the idiocy, the delusions, the insanity, and the stupidity comes in. Why would any IDIOT put themselves through that? And my answer sounds weak and immature but it's the truth... It feels like the right thing to do. Has your family ever moved simply because your parents thought it "felt right?" Have you ever reached out to someone random just because it "felt right?" When you chose the major you wanted to study in school, did you just pick that random major from a list of hundreds or did you pursue it because it "felt right?" It's the exact same feeling with my scenario. It felt right. I go through the daily heartaches, the sitting, waiting, and wishing because it feels right. It feels like this is what I'm supposed to do with my life. Maybe that makes me idiotic, delusional, insane, stupid, immature, and hopeless by following an impulse that won't leave my mind and is with me every moment of the day. But it's those same confusing and seemingly ungrounded impulses that govern our everyday actions.

Don't get me wrong, being the girlfriend to a missionary has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. To have a relationship with someone so in tune with the Spirit at all hours of the day has truly been a blessing and has strengthened my testimony in a time I needed it most. I have received so much incredible advice from my missionary and we have strengthened each other in the hardest of times in our vastly different situations in life. My missionary has truly blessed my life and it will leave an impression on me to last a lifetime :) But as much as it a time of great joy and excitement, it's also a time of much sorrow and worrying.

My dear readers, when you hear of another girl (or boy!) deciding to wait for a missionary, please don't jump to scoffs and scorns like I did. I hope my post opened your eyes to the realities a little bit: we don't choose to wait for missionaries because we believe in Nicholas Sparks love that can travel across seas and over mountains. We aren't close-minded to the fact that life doesn't go the way that we want it to and it may be that we don't end up with the missionary. We're very aware of that fact actually. I am very aware of the fact that I might have to close the chapter of my life with my missionary and open a new one with someone else. But I know that we are put into the right place at the right time for purposes we may not fully understand. What matters is that we trust the divine intervention that will lead us into a place we can fully flourish in. Right now, my place is to grow in a relationship with a missionary and I know that is what I'm meant to do because it feels right. And who knows? Maybe soon I will find another place that feels even better. Don't judge those that are wandering to their places in life, you have no idea where they've been or where they're going. Be supportive of the fact that they are searching or in my case at this time, sitting, waiting, and wishing.

                                                 

And It's Hard To Dance With The Devil On Your Back So Shake Him Off

It's always nice to gain a different perspective isn't it? I was working at Hobby Lobby today unloading shipment in the floral department with the charming department head Kitty. We were talking about another woman that worked that department a lot named Sara. She is the BIGGEST sweetheart you could ever imagine. Always smiling, always helpful, always kind, and ALWAYS cheerful. Kitty told me that Sara actually was going through a really hard time because she was raising her sons and husband on her part time job at Hobby Lobby. Which is $2 higher than minimum wage but it certainly doesn't make my wallet throw fiestas on the daily. I was absolutely shocked to hear this. How could someone hide such a difficult life with such ease? Kitty then said "It's situations like that that make you realize that someone always has it harder than you do, no matter what you're going through."

That really hit me hard today. I've been pretty whiny lately, even on Facebook which is something I never do. And I am completely ashamed of that now. This is what I've pondered on today and I sincerely hope I don't complain on Facebook like I have been lately. This is my permission to punch me in the face if I do.

First, that being stressed only means you have opportunities. It's true that I have been very stressed lately. With school coming up, apartment hunting being a failure beyond words, and work weeks that stretch to 60 hours, my tolerance for life in general is very low. But this stress is a beautiful blessing because it means that I have opportunities, doors that are open to me, options that I can explore, different routes that I can take. This stress means that I am free to choose where I want to go and what I want to do. With work, this stress means that I have the opportunity to make the situation a positive one or merely let it run me over. With school, it means that I have the opportunity to try things I never would have dreamed of doing. With apartment hunting, it means that I have the opportunity to meet new people and learn the simple truths of life in a very real setting. Stress means opportunities.

Which leads me to my next point, it's ok to be stressed and even fed up with life, but it is never ok to be ungrateful about your situation. Because despite the fact that life is hard, it's always harder when you don't have those doors open to you. Being worked to death is really starting to take its toll but I am very richly blessed to have not just one, but two outstanding jobs with very honest and friendly coworkers. Constantly being shut down on apartments is beyond disheartening but it's amazing I've had the opportunity to even save up for somewhere to live. There are always chances for you to improve your own situation. ALWAYS. Even if it's just a little bit at a time, there is always something you can do to make a difference in your life. Maybe it's as complex as rethinking the direction you're heading in life now. Maybe it's as simple as changing your perspective. Whatever the change, be grateful for opportunities, failures, and successes.

Ok lovelies, I'm getting eaten to pieces by mosquitoes out here. Hopefully that helped changed your perspective on whatever is irking you in life. It's something we hear a lot, I know at least for me that it's something I need to be reminded on a lot.

Oh, and this video is worth all 6 minutes. I promise ;)

You Musn't Be Afraid To Dream A Little Bigger Darling

I write this blog post to you tonight in odd circumstances. This is what I currently look like.

 No, I am not pulling a Signs moment and trying to block out aliens trying to read my mind. Not that they'd find anything interesting in this mere mortal's mind ;) I miss my ombre tips and apparently you can highlight your hair with cinnamon and honey. Somewhere deep down in my heart, I highly doubt this actually works. But on the surface, I'm kinda digging the smell of this concoction on my head and at least my brain will be partly safe tonight. :)

Anyways, onto my post. I got some pretty sad news this week and it's caused me to think things over again. Have you ever thought you were so RIGHT about something but it turned out you couldn't have been more WRONG? Has your mind listened so intently to your imagination and wild dreams that it ignored your common sense and better judgement? Has it ever blown your mind that you could be so ignorant and naive?

The best way I can describe how I feel is with that scene in Inception where Mal and Dom are lying on the train tracks and staring at each other as a train approaches. "You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don't know for sure." So do you board the train? This week it feels like I was riding a train that would take me to where I wanted to go but that I was kicked off the track at a station. I'm on the platform watching this train I knew would take me where I wanted to go travelling farther away from me until it's just a speck in the distance. Meanwhile, trains are arriving and departing in every direction, each with uncertain destinations. What if one of these trains will take a different route to where I want to go? What if I ride this train and I end up back on this platform? What if I end up somewhere farther from where I hope to go?

I guess you could say this is where chance comes in. Mal and Dom allowed themselves to be run over by the train with the small chance of them actually emerging from the dream. Sometimes you have to board the unfamiliar train with the small chance it takes you to where you want to go. Sometimes you have to step off the cliff with the small chance that something catches your fall. Sometimes you have take blinds steps with the small chance that something reaches out to you in the darkness. Sometimes the only thing you can do is hope.

I'm pretty heartbroken and I'm tired of trying to put myself back together week after week. I feel like fixing myself piece by piece is like trying to fix a broken Lego house in the Coberly Lego studio. As you go about recreating the house, you realize that you picked up the wrong pieces from the piles around you and didn't put on the right pieces to make the building the way it was before. I lose little bits of myself in the process of fixing what's broken until what's left is hardly recognizable anymore. I'm Mal lying on the train tracks, hoping with all my heart but doubting with all my mind, that the pain of what I will go through will bring me to where I want to be.

It's time to board a new train, any train, and hope without doubt that I will end up where I want. Who knows, maybe my destination will be even better than what I hoped for. Board a new train this week darlings! You never know where you might end up, but it might be right where you need to be. As Eames says in Inception, "You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger darling!"  And go watch Inception again, ya filthy animals! ;)

And to my mysterious fan base in Russia, thanks sweethearts! :D

Guess What? I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOUU!!!

I'm currently writing this outside on my patio as I enjoy the 85 degree weather versus the 100+, hotter than fried hell heat we've been having this week. LOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEE!!!!

Today's post might seem a little disjointed but I hope you can see the connection to the two ideas I've been having lately. First off, I got to go see my great-grandpa Judd in the hospital today. He fell down and broke his hip about a week ago and he had to go through surgery. When we arrived at the care center, I was totally taken aback by how many people were visiting. My grandparents were there and my great grandma was there with her daughter and grandsons (I'm related to this family through marriage so  I don't really know the name of our connection...). The tiny hospital room was full of laughing, smiling individuals and my great-grandpa laid on his bed watching us with a small smile on his tired face and love in his eyes.

Ever since my family moved to Utah, I've developed a deeper love and deeper connection with this side of my family. But as I was in this room with these relatives that I barely knew, I realized that these people have loved me since the day we were brought into their family. But why? These people don't know me, they don't know what I've done in my life, yet they still smile at me with the deepest love I've ever felt. This is unconditional love, the type of Christ-like love that isn't swayed by words or actions, no matter how terrible they might be. I never thought people could fully be capable of this type of love in this life, but this sweet family has taught me otherwise.

Our lesson in Sunday School was about pride and the teacher showed the This is Water video. Watch it if you haven't seen it yet!! This video really stuck out to me when I first watched it. This summer has been spent working long weeks at two retail jobs and I come home exhausted dealing with stupid customers all day. It can be infuriating working so much in such a busy environment and you have the people that feel the need to take their petty frustrations out on you in their rudeness and other forms of douchebaggery. Speaking as "the voice of death" the video talks about, I come home pretty fed up with the way I'm treated every day. But this video has really helped me to stop for a moment and think about the other person who is committing said douchebaggery (that word is just to great not to use again). Maybe they've come from a long day at work and just want to get home. Maybe their family is struggling financially or they've recently experienced a tragedy at home. Maybe they're in a hurry and don't know how to control their panic in a social setting. This is in no way an easy way to think and as the video says, I just can't do it sometimes. But it's a good thing to strive for and constantly work at little bits at a time.

Now my attempt to connect the two ideas. Like I've said before, I have grown to really become fed up with people in general. It's really made me kind of hard-hearted. But in my experience today with my family and with re-watching this video, I realized that there is always something I can do to change this. My great-grandma is the most loving person I know, in the hospital today on her way to get water, she stopped by in the rooms of lonely patients to ask how they were doing. She has this unconditional love for EVERYONE, no matter their story, no matter how well she knows them, nothing could sway her from loving them. I'm positive that was something that didn't come easily. I'm sure some days she just couldn't feel any type of love for the people around her. But over time, she's become the greatest example of unconditional love that I know.

I guess my message for today is that feeling towards your fellow men is always something that you can work towards. And as I've said before, sometimes you might not be able to do it. But you will forever be miserable if you live in the default setting of thinking people around you are stupid and exist merely to make your life as difficult as possible. Step out of the default, try to be more compassionate, and always strive to have unconditional love as natural to your day as breathing. I don't believe this perfect love is something you can fully obtain, at least in this life, but it's always something you can pursue, it's always something you can be better at.

Enjoy your week crazies!

Same Love

This post might be a little behind the times but better late than never right? Tomorrow is the last day of this term that the Supreme Court can rule out Prop 8, meaning tomorrow could be a historic day for the LGBT community. Of course, we wouldn't know that because the news is consumed with Edward Snowden, who did what I wish more people in the universe would do. But my opinions about whistleblowers are an entirely different matter and I'd prefer to get stoned for those opinions later..... Or never... Please? But for now, let's focus on the issue of gay marriage.

I support gay marriage. Or rather, I think the government shouldn't dictate what marriage is and make any form of marriage illegal. But let's just come back to reality where the government does have to get involved in everything.... Yes, I do support gay marriage. I believe that one person should not be denied happiness simply because their idea of happiness is something strange and foreign to others. How do we have any right to tell the LGBT community that they can't get married if nearly half of all "normal" marriages end in divorce? Sounds like we don't have any clue what we're doing either right?

Now to the LDS members that are currently putting a copy of The Proclamation to the World in an envelope and furiously scribbling my address on the front, let me say that I agree with all my heart that families were designed of eternal and divine order, with one man and one woman working together to raise a family. That being said, I know the Lord is over all things. I believe he can fix anything and put ANYTHING back to its most perfect form in the end. There's a lot that I don't know about this issue and I'm mature enough to admit I'm not all-knowing. I don't know why God creates people with different preferences, yet our church doesn't allow homosexual BEHAVIOR (not people) in the church. And guess what? That's not something any of us need to worry about. Because He's freaking GOD!!! And he has a much better idea of how to run a universe then we do. If God decides later that the church will accept the LGBT lifestyle into the church, then awesome. If God decides that it's still not ok, then he will deal with those that have engaged in that lifestyle in the most loving and merciful way that God decides to handle it. I refuse to believe that God would create people that he would hate for all of their existences. I refuse to believe that God would create people with the intention of forbidding them to be happy. That's not the type of God I believe in. I believe that if an LGBT person decides that he wants to go forward with this different lifestyle and that he honestly feels that this decision is right for him, God will be right there full of support and love.

I hope this posts makes sense to you. I want you to know that I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true and I know that without a doubt. In knowing that, I also know that I am entitled to agency and the ability to have my own opinion and voice. I don't quite see eye to eye on this doctrine of the church because I believe the LGBT community shouldn't be sentenced to a life of misery and unhappiness if they want to be part of this church. I do believe that the family is ordained of God and I love my own family with everything that I am. I just know that this world may not be perfect now but God can make it perfect in a way that will make everyone happy. I don't know how he's going to but I know it will blow our minds when it happens. For now, I believe no one should be stopped in their pursuit of true happiness. I support gay marriage.

I now give you permission to come stand in front of my window with your knives and pitchforks. Or some self-help pamphlets. Cookies would be nice too but hey, this is your party. What I do ask is that if you're going to be hateful, go post it somewhere else where I'm not going to see it.

Thanks lovelies! Loving and intelligent opinions are welcome.

Round and Round, I Won't Run Away This Time, If You Show Me What This Life Is For

So there's been a lot of stories on news sites lately comparing Superman to Christ (Just one example). Some Christian churches are even being asked to reference these similarities by movie marketers. (Can we all just take a minute to admire how superbly high tech I am? I posted links to other websites in my blog! Fancy! ;) ) This is my take on that because I did notice some kind of spiritual message about the Man of Steel.

While I can see the similarities from Superman to Christ, I'd like to think of Christ as a little more perfect than that. Yes, Superman was played by Henry Cavill, who looks like his face was sculpted by angels and his flawless frame may have made my brain go a little fuzzy when he took his shirt off ;) BUT I'd like to think that Superman represents us as individuals. In the movie, Clark talks to his father that raises him on Earth, questioning if he came from God or somebody else. His father says that he knew Clark had a father out there somewhere and sent Clark to Earth for a great purpose. He says "I have to believe that you were sent here for a reason. And even if it takes the rest of your life, you owe it to yourself to find out what that reason is."

I don't think I have to talk about a father from an outside universe that sent us to Earth and compare that to our own lives. I'm pretty sure you know where I would go with that ;) But Clark's father says we have to find out the reason we were sent to Earth by this father. If you ask any typical Primary kid why we were sent to earth, he would probably spit out an answer memorized word for word from the teaching manual. Something along the lines of to become like God and to get a body. But wouldn't you think you could do that anywhere in the world and at anytime in the history of the world? Couldn't you learn how to be a god as a caveman building fires just as much as a truck driver in the 21st century? Does it really matter when or how we gain this knowledge? To Clark's father it is. In fact, it truly makes a huge difference.

This is a pretty pivotal moment in my life, the time when wondering what your purpose is is really affecting your every decision. Is it really my purpose in life to become an auditor? Is it really my purpose in life to spend half of my life folding stacks of clothes at the Gap only to have them obliterated in a matter of seconds by overexcited women or stupid little boys? Is it really my purpose in life to be the girlfriend to a missionary, someone who I only hear from twice a week and I won't see for two years? Sometimes it's deeper questions than that. Is it really my purpose to be an example to three little brothers when I'm so far from perfect myself? Is it really my purpose to have broken a best friend's heart and break me into pieces along the way? Is it really my purpose to live in a time so full of challenges and temptations when I am such a weak individual myself?  Fortunately and unfortunately, it is. I really do have a lot of purposes in life, whether it's for building others and myself up or breaking others and myself down. And I'll discover plenty more purposes in life as the days and years go by. I don't necessarily owe it to myself to discover these reasons but I do owe it to the father that thought it was necessary to send me to this exact place at this exact time with these specific people. Because he apparently knows I need to be here for something. The crazy thing is in the grand scheme of things, all of these purposes are for the best. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? No matter what your purpose is, no matter if it's detrimental or beneficial, it shapes and molds yourself and others into the person you were designed to become. That is the beautiful reason of our existence: To shape ourselves into perfect people through the little purposes of other people and different experiences.

So go see this freaking movie!! It was fantastically written, Henry Cavill is a hottie, and it's just plain outstanding :) Look out for your purposes and make sure you fulfill them to the best of your abilities. Happy Tuesday darlings!

It's A Bittersweet Symphony, That's Life

I don't really know why I'm blogging today. Honestly, I think it's just because I'm really stressed out. It's apartment hunting season and it's had me panicking beyond description. Last night I had a dream that I had to share an apartment with a guy that slept in the nude except for his fake Gandalf beard and who frequently role-played Lord of the Rings in the kitchen. The night before it a serial thief who looked oddly like Tina Fey. During my powernap today it was my ex's family who made me work three jobs to support their extravagant lifestyle. Needless to say, I'm not excited to go to sleep tonight... Maybe I'll get lucky and my roommate will be Channing Tatum.

Anyway, today's post is going to be about something rather strange. My family and I recently started watching a show called Polygamy USA, which follows a few polygamist families and their lifestyle surrounding the FLDS religion and plural marriage. It is beyond fascinating and I highly recommend it to anyone with even a slight interest in the FLDS church. The people come from a community that left or were kicked out of Warren Jeff's community and went to go seek refuge to practice the FLDS religion before it was corrupted by Warren Jeff.

Needless to say, the Fundamentalists lifestyle is beyond strange to us in this day and age. When I lived in Seattle, I would get asked more frequently then you'd expect how many children I am going to have or how many other wives my husband is going to have. One confused little soul even asked how many husbands I was going to have... Point being that their lifestyle is something that even disgusts some people. One of the woman followed in the show is the first wife to a school teacher who has three wives total and has 18 children. The first wife stays at home to care for 9 children all under the age of 5 while the two other wives and the husband are at work and the other 9 children attend school. I'm sure you could imagine the troubles and stress this would cause on a person but despite all her hardships, this wife said she was incredibly happy. She was happy that she was raising a family so large because she felt that it was her mission in life and her way to thank her Heavenly Father for everything He had done for. She endured so many trials and lived this restrictive lifestyle all because it made her happy.

As you could tell a little bit from the beginning of the post and previous posts, life isn't exactly in the place I want it to be right now. In fact, I've discovered in these past few weeks that I recognize I'm not very happy. Working two jobs in which you realize the intelligence of man is incredibly low is fairly challenging. Changing universities and trying to figure out how to move your whole life to fit a new location is quite complicated. Being in a town where my biggest fear is that I'll run into someone I know (sad but very much true, Lehi and I have a tough relationship) is frustrating. Being constantly alone because all the people you call friends are scattered across the country in various capacities is disheartening. In thinking about my attitude towards this situation, it's come to the point where I don't feel being happy right now is very important because it'll all be ok when school's over, when settling into a career is over, when my hunt for somebody to love forever is over. In other words, only when life gets slightly less complicated will it be acceptable to want happiness.

I'd hate to think I feel happiness is just an occasional event, like going out to a fancy restaurant or spending the day in a theme park. But sometimes I, and hopefully others, see life this way. Just a roller coaster with ups and downs, only in this roller coaster, a time where it's acceptable to be happy is the high and the times where it isn't acceptable is a low.

This is a particularly hard roller coaster to get off of, especially when you're in the low parts watching the other cars on the ride doing corkscrews hundreds of feet in the air just a little further down the track. But it's truly ok to be happy. It's ok to dance in the rain. It's ok to still smile at people even if you can't decide whether to punch them in the face or curl into a ball and die. We're in the pursuit of happiness, meaning that we aren't always 100% happy, but we're trying to obtain it. We can ride the roller coaster happily because we know at some point, we'll climb higher and be doing corkscrews in the sky. And even if there's a steep drop to the bottom again, we can be happy knowing the coaster will do another round and we'll be soaring again soon. Clear the tracks of anything in your life that is causing you unnecessary happiness and ride on.

Please enjoy this video of the Backstreet Boys doing the Harlem Shake <3 Happy Sunday and enjoy the ride on your roller coaster!

What Is Love? Baby Don't Hurt Me No More

I have the tendency to live life only in the future. Ever since I graduated high school, every decision I make, even the stupid day-to-day decisions, are geared towards the next day or the next year in my life. For example, this morning I woke up planning out how every hour of my day tomorrow was going to go and how that was going to help Sunday go by smoothly. I live through this summer preparing  for the fall when I start school again with no thought to what else I will be doing the next three months besides saving money. I don't like to live in the present, it seems like a waste to me. I'm always a day, a month, a year, a decade ahead of myself. So that explains this post in the first place ;)

Yesterday I read this blog post that a Facebook friend posted.
http://crossshapedstuff.com/2013/06/04/how-i-know-my-wife-married-the-wrong-person/

I'll just sum up what it said if you don't want to read it. The blogger was talking about how his wife had married the "wrong" person because there isn't one superhuman person designed to fit her every wish and requirement. It described how society as planted the idea in our head that marriage will only work when it's with your "soulmate," your “smoking-hot, high-class, filthy rich, love-at-first-sight, sexually compatible, accept-me-as-I-am, Titanic-Notebook-Sweet-Home-Alabama-Twilight-esque, soul mate.”

I've been thinking a lot about this idea over the past day. I'd like to think that I don't believe that there is one person in the whole universe that is meant for me, that's the exact reciprocal of me, that completes me in every facet of my being. But I think deep down I really do believe it. Society really has brainwashed me into believing in this unattainable version of love and relationships. I really do believe that there is a superhuman person out there that is absolutely EVERYTHING I could ever hope for and that every single desire I will ever have in life will be fulfilled by this person. All I have to do is find him.

It's stupid that I'm using this as an example, but it illustrates my point. Let's look at Jim and Pam from the show The Office. They seem like they were created for each other, like their only purpose in life was to complete each other. They're never as happy with others as they are with each other. They are the perfect partners in crime and they truly are the best of friends. You can apply this to countless fictional couples: Noah and Allie from the Notebook, Romeo and Juliet, Daisy and Gatsby, Edward and Bella, just to name a few. They all have their soulmates, the person that was designed for them. If you look at the Great Gatsby, Daisy's true "soulmate" was Gatsby and when she choose to live her life with her husband instead, she never reached that same level of happiness as with Gatsby.

It's interesting that I still believe in this version of love, even though I have countless real-life examples of marriage and relationships all around me. With my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, family acquaintances, you know that they have troubles and that they aren't perfect. You know that they don't fully connect with each other in every aspect of a relationship yet they still sail on. So why is that we see this type of love right in front of our eyes, yet choose to believe in the flawless Hollywood love?

On the surface, I totally agree with the blog post in that there isn't one person created especially for you, that successful marriage and true love is more work than the world believes. But how do you un-brainwash yourself from this framework of mind? How do I move past the fear that I'm not going to find my Gatbsy and I'll choose someone much lower than I expect? How do you accept that no one is perfect for you and that no matter who you choose, you have to strive towards perfection one day at a time?

Usually I end my posts with an answer but on this topic, I got nothing. Just something to think about and I hope I can get some thoughts from people who have it figured out better than I do. Any and all ideas are welcome!

And just in case you forgot this video existed, here you go! Happy Friday lovelies!