Sunday, January 26, 2014


I just want to let you know I'm happy.

Singing in the shower happy. Dancing in the middle of the night happy. Smiling at all hours happy. Leaving all stress behind happy. Being reckless and free happy. Enjoying the little moments instead of the big picture happy.

I feel electric.

Most of my life, I've thought of happiness as something you need to work to achieve. That once you cross the finish line, you're entitled to this happiness because you earned it. That you had to go through dark times before you were allowed to feel happy. That happiness is something you have to stay worthy of feeling and if you hadn't worked through hardships first, you weren't permitted to feel joy.

Many people compare life to a roller coaster, a track made up of continuous rises and falls, high points and low points. That you have to get past one stage to reach the other. That life is a cycle of times of pure happiness and times of pure despair and that only by waiting for the low point to pass could the roller coaster of life start to climb again.

Happiness is not a prize to be won. It's not a reward received after accomplishing some tremendous feat. It's not a gold star you put next to your name on a chart. It's not a plaque you can hang on your wall or a medal you can wear around your neck to show off your strength.

Happiness is an attitude.

Happiness is a choice to be made despite opposition. It is the determination to find and embrace the beauty in an ugly time. It is the desire to be the master of your own adventure, the narrator of your own story, and the hero of your own battle. It is how you will choose to see your challenges, like an opportunity waiting to be seized and learned from or a pitfall to be avoided or merely endured through.

Happiness begins and ends with your choice to stroll through life optimistically or to slump through life waiting for it to pass. Some days you just won't be able bring yourself above the clouds. But always keep your window to the world clean and your heart untainted. Remember that your happiness is a choice that only you can make.

Here comes bad news talking this and that, give me all you got and don't hold back. But I should probably warn you I'll be just fine. No offense to you, don't waste your time.

Because I'm happy.

Friday, January 10, 2014

With or Without You

You send songs racing through my head so why don't I describe us through songs?

You're something beautiful, a contradiction
I wanna play the game, I want the friction

Do you think I'm special? Do you think I'm nice? Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces? Boy, you're so dope, your love is deadly.
I’m nothing without you.

I’ll smile when you speak, remember all those times I was hoping for something
And shaking my head from all I have done, but you never left me.

You make me glow, you make me shine, but we always fight right on time. I’m building bridges that I know you never wanted and now on every single road that I could take. 

I want you to burn my bridges down.

I walk in circles but I'll never figure out what I mean to you? Do I belong?
I try to fight this but I know I'm not that strong. I've been away been running to save my head, the warrant's out and I'm almost dead.

I won't say what I've already said.

But I feel so helpless here... watch, my eyes are filled with fear. Being me can only mean feeling scared to breathe. If you leave me then I’ll be afraid of everything.

Tell me do you feel the same?
Hold me in your arms again.

My therapist told me that opposites attract, I wish that she was here when opposites attack. You love me then you hate, what's it going to be? I don't want to miss the magic that is you and me. 

When I wake up I’m afraid, somebody else might take my place. 

But when I wake up I’m afraid, somebody else might end up being me

And there's no remedy for memory your face. Like a melody, it won't lift my head. No one compares to you and I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side.

Why does it feel so good but hurt so bad? My mind keeps saying run as fast as you can.
I just don't know what to do, I'm too afraid to love you. All those sleepless nights and all those wasted days
I wish loneliness would leave me, but I think it's here to stay.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Can't Hold Us

Thinking back on this past year, a lot has changed in 365 days. One word sticks out to me that defines the happiness, sorrows, stresses, and blessings of this year.


A year ago, I was a pretty terrified individual who was very lost on her way. The last weeks leading up to last New Years Eve were filled with sleepless nights and anxiety attacks. The end of 2012 was spending evenings in the bishop's office, begging him for answers on why I was so trapped. 2012 was wishing I could be anywhere but in BYU, where every day was a slap to my courage, esteem, and strength to keep going. 2012 was pleading to any entity that would listen that I could be free.

2013 was my liberation.

It was the year to recognize that I could be saved from my pains, that I was not as lost as I thought I was. It was the year to pick up the pieces and build something more beautiful than what was there before. It was the year to see that I have potential, that I am strong, and that I am bigger than anything that thinks they're tougher than me.

It was the year I regained my freedom.

I'm eternally grateful for the influences that have helped me reach this stage of peace. I'm thankful....

For Elder Lee in teaching me about the Atonement of Christ and that its power has no limits, how essential unconditional love is to our lives, and that focusing on the happy things is far more effective than looking at the dark side.

For Catherine in keeping my head on straight during those moments when I started to lose all sense

For Kylee and all of our nights spent dancing like there was no one around

For Andrea for the awesome roommate that she is and for sticking with me on all our crazy adventures this semester

For my amazing roommates Kristin and Sandra, who remind me everyday to embrace life in the moment and to never let opportunities pass you by

For Josh, in helping me discover one of my greatest loves in life, live electronic music :)

For Central YSA 2nd Ward, in helping me remember that we're all struggling but that we can all build each other back up.

For Brenner, Kess, and Courtney for reminding me that true friends care for you unconditionally.

The wonderful people who read my blog and send me comments about my post to help convince me I'm not a total failure and loser.

For my wonderful neighbors Rafael, Brant, and Dustin for reminding me that it's ok to be a nerd. Like a major nerd. Like an embarassingly major nerd.

And most importantly, my wonderful family who never gives up on me and reminds me that I will ALWAYS be loved.

I look forward to 2014 as a time to recognize the full freedom of my liberation, to use my experiences to be a light to others, to show gratitude for the immeasurable divine guidance I have been blessed with, and to keep moving forward. YOLO my darlings :)

*And I had to dedicate this post to a Macklemore song because last month marks my first year with Macklemore. Thanks for sticking with me baby :* This song perfectly describes how I feel about this upcoming year.*