I think I've reached that point in my college career when I stop and say "Why am I doing this again?" That point when you've been working so hard towards a dream but then you realize that you don't remember why that dream was so important to you. That point when you jump off a high surface and you realize in the middle of your descent to Earth that you're a freaking idiot and why in the world would you ever think that was a good idea.
Working the typical 9-5 American work day has really bogged me down. It's opened me to the horrors of repetition, the dread you feel when you wake up the next morning and realize you have to do the same exact thing you did yesterday. And you realize you'll be doing the same thing tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. And the next day. Until you wake up one morning and ask "Why am I doing this again? What was I trying to achieve? Why did I think this was a good idea?"
I love what I learn. I love what I do. Yet when I come home from another interminable day at work, I feel like I accomplished nothing in the grand scheme of things. I feel like I contributed nothing to the world that day. I feel like I wasted so much effort for so little reward to society. I feel useless.
I've been thinking a lot about teaching high school business courses. Unfortunately, our school systems are just barely waking up to the idea of having business classes in high school. Utah is among a small handful of states that require students to take a finance course to graduate while other states simply offer small classes as an option. I see a lot of value in investing more people and resources into providing business classes to high school classes. In talking with a lot of my fellow classmates before graduating, a lot of them have these big ideas about what they want to accomplish in life. But sadly, I know most of the ideas will remain just that, an idea. High school, the time when kids are supposed to mapping out the next stages in their lives, don't expose the students to real world ideas on how to be innovative and expand their ideas. I spent so much time worrying about physics equations, war dates, math theorems, and chemical reactions to fulfill what the state felt was necessary for me to be a successful individual. There was very little time for me to explore things that interested me, things that I could actually use after leaving high school.
With teaching, I want to inspire people to be creative thinkers and to push ideas forward. I want to encourage innovation and hard work. I want to stimulate people's thought processes and accomplish their dreams. I want to watch people grow and take pride in the fact that I helped them get there.
It's so hard to figure out how you fit into this world. To figure out the roles you need to fulfill. To figure out how your talents and abilities apply to your little section of the big picture. It's a very easy thing to second guess unfortunately and I think we spend a lot of time chiseling away at our skills and character to fit the mold we create for ourselves. I hope I find another dream to chase soon. I hope I don't keep waking up with questions and doubts. I hope there will be a time for me where I can look back on the day and feel that I did accomplish something in the world that day. I hope I will find purpose.