Sitting, Waiting, Wishing

This is a pretty personal post so take care to be sensitive to that. I don't really know why I am supposed to post this and I've been fighting it for the past few days... But I feel like I need to post this for some reason and I hope that reason is a good one. Because this is really taking me out of my comfort zone. Like a lot.

Today I will be posting as the girlfriend of a missionary. Now before you start to poke through the bars of the cage at the circus freak and question my intelligence, maturity, and sanity, give me the benefit of the doubt that I have NOT completely lost my mind. These days, the stories of girls waiting for their missionaries have turned into dramas worthy of a TV sitcom. The girl promises her missionary that she will wait for him, keeps up a good show for a few months, finds an RM who fulfills her every dream, dates for 2 weeks and gets married in 4, leaving poor Elder John in a miserable mess while still serving his mission. And in a not-so-distant past, I would have definitely laughed and scoffed at such a story. Seriously, what idiots. Do they have even have clue about life? Ever heard of patience before? It wasn't until I became that idiot that I realized there is much more to that story then what we gather from the outside.

Here is a very accurate description of my life. My missionary thinks I'm prime meat for the gentlemen, my family thinks I sit around waiting, my friends think I drown myself in my tears, the delusional part of me thinks I am perfectly content with the situation, but it really is just me desperately waiting for letter day. In reality, it's all of those things... except being prime meat for the gentlemen (but lesbehonest, Grade A material here ;) ). It truly is a hard thing to have a long distance relationship to the point that you hear from your significant other maybe twice a week. I think when Dom first left, I thought it was just going to be nice and easy. I mean it's just two years right? But that's two years without the little things you don't think about. No one to hold your hand, no one to kiss you goodnight, no one to tell you they love you. Not even the smaller things. No one has told me I'm beautiful in months. No one will watch stupid shows with me just because they want to be in my company. No one has sent me a text that says good morning and hope you have a good day. No one will just tell me it will be ok even when I know it won't be. And when you think back on the past 2 years, what all changed in your life? Let me answer that: EVERYTHING.

Now this is where the confusion, the idiocy, the delusions, the insanity, and the stupidity comes in. Why would any IDIOT put themselves through that? And my answer sounds weak and immature but it's the truth... It feels like the right thing to do. Has your family ever moved simply because your parents thought it "felt right?" Have you ever reached out to someone random just because it "felt right?" When you chose the major you wanted to study in school, did you just pick that random major from a list of hundreds or did you pursue it because it "felt right?" It's the exact same feeling with my scenario. It felt right. I go through the daily heartaches, the sitting, waiting, and wishing because it feels right. It feels like this is what I'm supposed to do with my life. Maybe that makes me idiotic, delusional, insane, stupid, immature, and hopeless by following an impulse that won't leave my mind and is with me every moment of the day. But it's those same confusing and seemingly ungrounded impulses that govern our everyday actions.

Don't get me wrong, being the girlfriend to a missionary has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. To have a relationship with someone so in tune with the Spirit at all hours of the day has truly been a blessing and has strengthened my testimony in a time I needed it most. I have received so much incredible advice from my missionary and we have strengthened each other in the hardest of times in our vastly different situations in life. My missionary has truly blessed my life and it will leave an impression on me to last a lifetime :) But as much as it a time of great joy and excitement, it's also a time of much sorrow and worrying.

My dear readers, when you hear of another girl (or boy!) deciding to wait for a missionary, please don't jump to scoffs and scorns like I did. I hope my post opened your eyes to the realities a little bit: we don't choose to wait for missionaries because we believe in Nicholas Sparks love that can travel across seas and over mountains. We aren't close-minded to the fact that life doesn't go the way that we want it to and it may be that we don't end up with the missionary. We're very aware of that fact actually. I am very aware of the fact that I might have to close the chapter of my life with my missionary and open a new one with someone else. But I know that we are put into the right place at the right time for purposes we may not fully understand. What matters is that we trust the divine intervention that will lead us into a place we can fully flourish in. Right now, my place is to grow in a relationship with a missionary and I know that is what I'm meant to do because it feels right. And who knows? Maybe soon I will find another place that feels even better. Don't judge those that are wandering to their places in life, you have no idea where they've been or where they're going. Be supportive of the fact that they are searching or in my case at this time, sitting, waiting, and wishing.