I'm being watched.
And it's terrifying.
About a month ago, I went to my home ward to see sweet little Ansel perform in the church's Primary program. I noticed during the Sacrament that the little girl sitting next to me was copying everything I was doing. She was sitting in the same way that I was, ankles crossed, hands folded on my lap, a little slouched over. Just to test her, I uncrossed my ankles, sat straigh up in my chair, and started to braid a piece of my hair. And even though this girl couldn't have been more than three years old, she sat up straight and pretended to braid her hair. I reached down to open the hymn book and I started to read a sacrament hymn. The little girl opened her hymn book and began to pretend it, occasionally glancing up at me from the corner of her eye to make sure I wasn't shifting my position.
This should have just been a cute little moment where I thought it was just adorable that this little girl was trying to act like a grown-up (or whatever you want to call me). But I was terrified.
Why is this girl following my every move?
Why doesn't she follow someone else's movements?
WHY ME?!?
I've never really considered myself an outstanding example to follow. Not only am I the most embarassing person in the universe but I am so far from being a positive role model. I make mistakes. Big ones. A lot. I've done plenty of things I'm not proud of. And it really pains me that this is the model that the people in my life have to look up to. Me, the person who is hard-hearted and cold, who is fleeting and afraid of settling down, who is wandering without a clear path, who is slipping off the slope in every direction. This is the mess my brothers have to see, my roommates have to see, my peers have to see, my friends have to see, my family has to see. And they're expected to learn something from me? Maybe what NOT to do in life. But I'm certainly not much to be proud of.
I think this little girl made me realize that as much as I wish people didn't look up to me, people still do. And we have to always be ready for that. We always have to strive to be people we're proud of. We always have to be individuals that others can learn from in a positive light. We have to put the fake smile on our face and pretend we know what we're doing. And that's something everyone can do. You can always be a better person than you were the day before. You can always shine a little brighter for the people around you. You can always talk a little nicer, stand a little taller, smile a little brighter, hope a little higher.
Always be the best representation of yourself.
You are always being watched. Even when you wish you weren't.
Please don't feel like you have to be something you're not. I think you are a better example by being the real you than you are by pretending everything is okay and you know what you are doing. I think you are an amazing example by your self awareness. You are amazing just as you are. This old lady is impressed with you constantly. I'm sure I'm not the only one.
ReplyDeleteTake being looked up to as a compliment! I know that when people look up to me i.e. my younger brother and sister it makes me want to be the best me I can possibly be because I never want to disappoint. With the knowledge of knowing people look up to us it aspires us to be something higher! Thank you for sharing!
ReplyDeleteWe all mimic each other in one way or another: there is nothing we do that is not inspired by an experience that we've had. It's a simple fact of how we operate as humans. Perhaps you'll find more happiness in your actions if instead of holding them all to an extreme standard of the present, you think to back to when and why you made them. Context is key to appreciating action, and you may find that you have nothing to be ashamed or regretful of. Regardless: how others look to you or the things you do is beyond your control, as are the things they learn from observing you. You'll save yourself a lot of stress by accepting that.
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