Right Thoughts, Right Words, Right Actions

This blog post might be a mess, but truly, I'm kind of a mess right now. I started a new pill (cough, nudge, wink) this week and it's been a struggle. I haven't slept well in days, I have the temper of an army sergeant, and I've been so hungry ALL THE TIME. I just ate a huge beef chimichanga and I'm still so hungry I can barely remember my name... So if this post makes you question my sanity, trust me you're not alone. I had a dream about Michael Jackson line dancing last night, I'm pretty worried too.

Anyways, this week I've been thinking a lot about my endurance. Or lack thereof. If you've kept up on my posts or been a close enough friend, you'll know that my life has been one huge change on top of another for the past year or so. And while I at first thought that it simply meant I was just improving my life and showing a sign of strength, I've started to come to the conclusion that it might be a weakness. What does making constant changes in my life suggest? That I just might not be strong enough to handle the cards placed before me.

It's always been my philosophy that if you don't like something, change it. And up until this point, I really didn't have much of a problem giving up on things and moving on to the next chapter.

Until I realized that I can't change everything.

Until I realized that I'm truly vunerable.

Until I realized that I really do care more than I want to admit.

But what's the balance then? When do you just have to face the facts and learn to endure instead of trying to find a way out?

And is it a bad thing to want to change at all?

I'd like to think that the changes I've gone through in the past year have shaped me into a better person. I'd like to think that I'm more equipped to handle life's challenges now. I'd like to think it'll be better from here on out. But I'm not so sure. I think I've learned to be a really fast runner from all conflicts. I've learned to be a really sneaky avoider of all problems. I've learned to be a really crafty manipulator of all trials.

But I have no idea how to sit and deal with problems. I only know how to run.

Maybe this next stage of my life will be an endurance run instead of a speed run. Maybe some day I will be ok with walking instead of racing. Maybe someday I'll be content instead of anxious.

Maybe someday change will be a sign of strength again.