So I'm sure every single one of you has seen the article "Marriage Isn't For You" A better way to say it is I'm pretty sure your Facebook feed has been drowning with this post for the past couple weeks. At any rate, I've seen a lot of seperate articles, Facebook posts, blog posts, etc. all voicing their own opinions whether they think this guy is a heavenly genius or a certified lunatic. So that is my post for the day, simply adding to the noise about this marriage article. I'm not married so this is going to be from a different perspective but I think the concepts apply to some degree.
The author starts off with some advice that his father gave him about marriage. Copied and pasted, he said "You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy.
Let's start with the first part, you marry to make someone else happy. I could not disagree with the wording of this sentence any more. When has it EVER been healthy to let your happiness rely on one person? Any person at all? One of the most important lessons I've learned in life is to never let your personal happiness be determined on another person. People will always let you down, whether they intend to or not, whether they are the love of your life or not. Letting your happiness depend on how other people act is like walking around with a sign on your head saying "Please stab me repeatedly in the heart until I wake up from my dream in Fantasyland where Prince Charming is a mind-reader, where unicorns run across fields of candy trees and chocolate mountains, and where perfect people exist." The fact that people aren't perfect is one of the most BEAUTIFUL things about this world. Yep, that's right. The fact that people make mistakes, piss you off, ruin your life, ruin their own life, and overall mess the order of the universe up is BEAUTIFUL. As my wonderful friend Josh Nelson said, who wants to live in a world where everyone is perfect? How boring, how drab, how useless and unproductive of a life.
Anyways, back onto personal happiness. Now assuming that you marry to make someone else happy, wouldn't you also have to assume that everyone is perfect in order for this to work? That your spouse, partner, significant other, acquaintace knows exactly how to behave at every moment at every day in order for your personall happiness to be maximized? Sound a little too good to be true? Oddly enough, it is.
The author goes on to say that "A true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”
Which is all sweet and fantastic and whatever. But is also so entirely unhealthy. Being entirely selfless worked for Jesus but that's pretty much where we draw the line. The other billions of people living around the world have the problem of being imperfect and selfish people. And I think that's just fine to be selfish sometimes! When I think of any relationship that I've had, romantic or otherwise, there have been moments when I had to be the strong one when the other was weak or when I needed the other to be strong because I was weak. And since we're imperfect people who live life like it's a rollercoaster, we're going to have ups and downs. It is simply impossible to be selfless all the time. Sure, it's a nice goal to work towards but don't be too surprised when it doesn't work.
I know it sounds like I'm just continously bashing on this guy's thought process but he's not completely wrong. He's right in the sense that you need to be constantly aware of the other person's needs and that being selfless is something to work towards (even though we already know it's next to impossible to always be that way). I think a more accurate title would be "Marriage Isn't Just About You." It is so important to be loving, supportive, and understanding in all of your relationships, really to anyone you meet in general. But it's equally important to be aware of your own needs and to realize that you can't fully rely on another imperfect person to take care of those needs for you. It's important to be aware that it's ok to be selfish sometimes. It's important to be aware that you can't always be Superman. Sometimes you have to be Lois Lane.
As I've said before, one of the most significant lessons to learn is that you can't let your happiness depend on the actions of imperfect people. I've seen this reliance on other people break people's hearts and it's broken my own heart multiple times, and not just in a romantic relationship either. What I've learned about relationships is that sometimes you need the other's help and love to remind you of your strength and potential to succeed. Sometimes you're the weak one and sometimes you're the strong one. But the beautiful thing about any type of relationship is that true love and friendship is when you don't care how often you are the strong one or how often you are the weak one. The only thing that matters to you is that you are continously working to build up the other and to build yourself up because you want to see the both of you succeed and progress towards your personal happiness.
One thing that I learned from this article is that there are many "recipes" for love because no two relationships are the same. Isn't that beautiful? My way to build a successful relationship is totally different from yours, even if there are a few similarities. Take what advice you may but also recognize that this article's advice or my thoughts may not apply to you as much as it does to others. People love others differently and people feel love from others differently. I think the amazing part of any relationship, whether it's a family member, a friend, or a significant other, is the journey in discovering how your relationship needs to work in order for both people to benefit the most from it. And for some relationships, that's a life long process. But enjoy the journey, enjoy the lessons, enjoy the mistakes, enjoy the triumphs, enjoy the imperfections. And always keep moving forward with unconditional love, not backwards with apathy.
P.S. This is one of my favorite songs ever.
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