Sunday, December 14, 2014

Float On

One of the scriptures we read in class today was James 1:5, which is a pretty popular verse in my religion. It says "If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that give to all men liberally, and upbraideth not, and it shall be given him." Our teacher read us the definition for the word upbraideth, which is "to find fault with, or reproach severely."

That definition brought on a whole new meaning to that scripture. You can pray to God about anything and He will never scoff at the things we ask. Our Father will never judge us, He will never be angry with us, He will never pick at the faults we all have. He truly loves us unconditionally, in a way we can never fully comprehend.

As 2014 draws to a close, I've been thinking a lot about where I was this time last year. I was starting to recognize that the relationship I had with my missionary out serving was destroying me emotionally and that it needed to end. I was struggling to adjust to a new school and let go of the anger directed at the school I had left behind. I was juggling three jobs and full time school, trying to manage my ever-growing to do lists. As my 20th birthday was approaching, those adulthood questions began to nag me even more. What am I doing? Is this what I want to do with my life? Are these the types of relationships I want to have? Who? What? Where? When? How?

So much has happened in that year. So many blessings, so many miracles, so many triumphs. And yet there were so many heartaches, breakdowns, and failures. Through everything that has happened, I'm so grateful my Lord was there with the unconditional love I so desperately needed. I'm grateful I could come to him when I had really messed up and He responded with words of forgiveness and mercy instead of the anger I had expected. I'm grateful that in moments of pain, He responded with feelings of comfort and peace. I'm grateful that when I had no one to turn to, He responded with the assurance that He had all the time in the world for me.

After this lesson, I was thinking about the Christmas present I could give to others this year and I've decided on practicing unconditional love. Love with no strings attached. Love that doesn't change with the seasons or the mood. Love that pushes through barriers and climbs out of pitfalls. Love that I have received for years and years from my Savior.

Behind that though, I learned today that I need to have that same love for myself. If the Lord, the most powerful being in existence can see past my shortcomings then how dare I let them take over my life? If the Lord can forgive the sins I've committed, then how dare I use them as proof that I'm unworthy of love? If the Lord is willing to pull me out of my dark places, then how dare I let myself give in to that pain? If the Lord will never give up on me, then I have no right to give up on myself.

Life progresses. I'm progressing with it.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Hurts Like Heaven

The way life has been taking me these past few weeks has made me recognize people again. Individuals with stories. Outsiders with hopes and dreams. Socialites with dirty secrets. The soft spoken with loud tales. The outspoken with unspeakable challenges. People are kind of beautiful that way. We're all hiding things and bearing heavy burdens in our hearts while effortlessly pretending all is well.

People are experts at building facades. We're the wardens of our own prisons. We're the monsters hiding under our own beds. We're the gatekeepers to our own fortresses.

One of my favorite books of all time is A Thousand Splendid Suns. It is hauntingly and heartbreakingly beautiful. Never has a book brought me down with so much emotional weight, but in the end, the heartache is what makes the experience beautiful. The book has so many ugly chapters but is beautiful in the power that it has over you. It is beautiful in the impact it casts upon the reader. It is beautiful in the way it inspires.

I had the chance to talk to my lovely friend Kenna the other day. She told me that it's quite easy to ask why all of the challenges of her life have happened to her. But the answer is that these challenges make us more able to relate to others. We become tools in the lives of other by our shortcomings and mistakes. We become a friend to those who think they have no where to turn to. We become a bridge that links past pains to future happiness. We become impactful and inspirational.

Everyone person that will ever walk the earth is a book filled with ugly chapters. We carry horrible secrets, mistakes, shortcomings, faults, and illnesses. We are all far from perfect. No two books are exactly the same. However, if we use these ugly chapters to teach, uplift, and inspire others, ugly things are made beautiful. Suddenly we discover purpose and a reason to continue. We understand our place in the universe. We recognize light in places that are very dark.

Be willing to open these books when invited. Be willing to listen to the experiences of others. Be willing to take in their triumphs and downfalls. We all have a lot to learn from each other.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Disparate Youth

I'm doing ok.

I'm learning my limits.

I'm learning to breathe in.

I'm learning to breathe out.

I'm learning about being in control.

I'm learning how to be the bigger person.

I'm learning to find my happy place.

I'm learning about empowerment.

I'm learning to let things go.

I'm learning what joy is.

I'm doing ok.

Monday, November 10, 2014

All The Right Moves

Music nowadays is freaking horrible. Absolutely terrible. The songs currently rocking the charts are polluted with misdirected and inappropriate messages about how we should see others.

I'm sure you've all heard that song "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor.

I'm bringing booty back
Go ahead and tell them skinny witches that
No, I'm just playing I know you think you're fat,
But I'm here to tell you that,
Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top
Yeah, my momma she told me don't worry about your size
She says, boys they like a little more booty to hold at night
You know I won't be no stick-figure, silicone Barbie doll,
So, if that's what's you're into
Then go ahead and move along

Or "Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj

This one is for my witches with a fat caboose in the freaking club
I said, "Where my fat caboose big witches in the club?"
Screw those skinny witches,
Screw those skinny witches in the club

(And yes, I did edit out the lyrics for those that are more sensitive to the language. But caboose should definitely make its way into lyrics nowadays amirite?)

I don't know about you all but these songs, and many others on the radio, makes me feel horrible about myself. I'm all for people celebrating their bodies, whatever body type that is. I think it's awesome that there is this new movement in the music industry to push aside the norms of "beauty" and celebrate what we've got. But it's 100% NOT OK to celebrate that at the expense of others. It's never ok to lift yourself up by pushing others down. So does this mean that if I am a size two with no hips, butt, or boobs to speak of that I'm gross and unattractive? Oh, and screw me? Thanks bro. 

It's really easy to fall in this frame of mind when we need a boost of self-esteem. It doesn't even need to be about looks, if we're feeling down on ourselves about anything, it's easy to want to bring others down to our level with whatever flaw we can see. It's like a balance beam, if one side is pushed down then the other side must come up. This way of thinking is toxic to our relationships with others, whether they be strangers, acquaintances, or loved ones. It damages our perception of people and the world. It traps us in a never-ending and painful cycle where we have to depend on the flaws of others for self-validation. It's a very unhealthy thought process and it's pretty scary how accessible these ideas are to others. It's scary that shaming others is acceptable, cool, and even celebrated nowadays. 

I'm definitely not perfect at thinking kindly of others, especially when days are rough. There are those days when I see a picture of an old ex with a new girl and I convince myself that he seriously downgraded to make myself feel better. There are days when I see that someone got a better score on a test than me and I find some flaw to pick on to make me feel high and mighty. It's a vicious cycle that's hard to get off of. Temporarily, it eases our pain but in the long run, it makes us weaker when we recognize the only way we feel happiness is through the degradation of others. 

Search for better outlets and esteem boosters. Take yourself out for dinner. Pour yourself a glass of chocolate milk. Buy yourself a nice new pair of shoes. Surround yourself with people that love you. Find an uplifting song that speaks to your soul. Love yourself so you can learn to love others. And if it wasn't clear before, it is NEVER ok to lift yourself up by pushing others down. Ok? Ok.  

Love, peace, and all that jazz you beautiful people. 

Friday, October 17, 2014

This Too Shall Pass

Things are going to be ok.

I have a job.

I'm going to an amazing school.

I have a wonderful family that is mine forever.

There's like two people in the world that think I'm cool and they aren't my mom.

Hocus Pocus was on TV tonight.

Things are ok.

I'm ok.

Well, I'm not really ok. But I'm going to be ok. It's going to be ok. Everything's going to be ok.

Ok? Ok.

Saturday, October 11, 2014


I've had a really hard time talking these past few days. I'm hoping writing will release some baggage.

I don't understand a lot of things. I don't understand why I have to keep being brought to this point. I don't understand why I need this lesson over and over again. I don't understand why I have to be broken again and again in the exact same place.

I don't understand why you think I'm invincible.

I think I've done an absolute fabulous job of proving I'm incompetent in these aspects of life. I think I've made it clear that I can't handle this anymore. I think I've exceeded all expectations in the category of screwing myself over.

I think I've done this enough times.

I don't want to be a pawn anymore. I don't want to be used. I don't want to be the end of a joke.

I don't want to be a player in this game.

Let me know when I'm considered worthy enough to understand the purpose behind it all. Let me know when I'm considered smart enough to see the bigger picture. Let me know when I'm considered good enough to have some questions answered.

I'm anxious for it

Sunday, August 10, 2014


There ain't much that's dumber, there ain't much that's dumber then pinning your hopes on a change in another.

How dumb am I.

I wish I spent less of my life hoping a change in one thing will bring about changes in other things. I wish I spent less of my life hoping an answer will present itself. I wish I spent less of my life hoping my happiness is safe with fickle events and fickle people.

I wish I spent less of my life hoping instead of doing.

I don't need this to happen for me to be happy. I don't need a good job to be happy. I don't need a degree to be happy. I don't need to be more successful than them to be happy. I don't need to be prettier to be happy. I don't need a shiny ring on my finger to be happy. I don't need a missionary badge on my chest to be happy. I don't need to be superior to be happy.

I don't need you to be happy.

I am the only one in charge of my happiness. I won't let you, or him, or her take away that power. I won't let this moment or this hour or this day or this year take away that power. I won't let myself give away that power.

Needing is one thing and getting's another.

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

To Ordain or Not To Ordain

My Thoughts on the Ordain Women Chaos

I guess the main thing I want to focus on is my feelings on women having the Priesthood. Yep, we'll start there. But first, a story.

My brother Zac just recently graduated from high school and is a priest in our ward. A couple months ago, I was home for the weekend and I went to my home ward for church that Sunday. I walked in a little bit late and quickly dashed into the chapel and did the awkward scan of the congregation from the door as everyone watched me. I spotted just my mom and Ansel sitting together alone in a row. Well, that was normal. Dad was out of town, Alex was passing the sacrament, and Zac was likely still sleeping at home. Imagine my surprise as I sat down next to Ansel, set down my purse and looked up to the front of the chapel to see Zac sitting at the sacrament table with the other priests. Um, what? When I left for school, Zac hadn't been to church in weeks and it had only been by extreme force. But here he was about to bless the sacrament for the entire congregation. I leaned over to my mom and asked why Zac was up at the table and she said it was his first Sunday ever blessing the sacrament. It was a very special experience seeing Zac uphold his Priesthood that day. And every time I see him since that Sunday, he is happier, he is more kind to others, and he is more dedicated to serving others.

Another story.

My brother Alex is thirteen and is in the Deacon presidency of his quorum (I probably totally botched that terminology up, my apologies). It turns out that the job requires A LOT more effort than you'd ever think for what seems like a simple position. He had meetings all the time and always seemed to have dozens of service projects in the works for members of our ward. He is busy all the time for the sake of others. Since he has received this calling, he too is much happier, much kinder, and much more focused on service.

I can see where women in the church are coming from when they talk about wanting the Priesthood. It's about equality, it's about proving that we aren't inferior to men, it's about having more responsibilities. And I am all for that in the world today. I hate being treated lower than men simply because of my gender. I hate that opportunities are passed above my head, especially in the work field I am, simply because I have an extra X chromosome. I hate that I likely won't ever get the same treatment and responsibilities in life because I am a woman.

But this is not how I feel about the Priesthood.

Another story.

My sweet mom has fulfilled many callings within the church in Young Women's, Primary, and Relief Society. One of the callings I remember the most is when she was Relief Society president in our ward back in Washington. She worked SO HARD at her calling. Every ounce of herself went into this calling and every minute that she wasn't fulfilling her responsibilities at her job or at home, she was working to strengthen the sisters she was placed in charge of. Even though I was young, I could see how hard it was for her. But I also could see how the lives she was changing in that Relief Society simply by being the loving individual she was. She did not need the Priesthood to fulfill her responsibilities. She already filled all the requirements of her job with her loving nature that she already possesses naturally.

When I think about my mom having the Priesthood on top of all the responsibilities she already has, it makes me cringe. I love my momma to pieces but I know she isn't well equipped to handle that. She goes about her life and responsibilities perfectly with just her nature as a woman. She is more capable of loving others unconditionally, she has greater capacity to feel empathy, and she has a greater nurturing instinct. The same is true of all women I know, it's just how we're programmed. We have natural tools to aid us as we go about our duties in the church and in our personal lives.

The more I see the men in my family and friend circles exercise their priesthood, the more I see how essential the Priesthood is in strengthening their character. The more they use their Priesthood, the more capable they are of loving others unconditionally, the greater capacity they have to feel empathy, and the greater instinct they have to be nurturing and kind. Sound familiar? If anything, the Priesthood brings about qualities in men that women already have naturally! The Priesthood is much more powerful in the hands of men than it is in the women because it strengthens both the people on the receiving end of the blessings as well as the Priesthood holder exercising his Priesthood power. If you're looking for equality in the church, THERE'S your equality. The responsibilities that women hold in the church build up the Christ-like characteristics that a woman already has. The Priesthood that men hold in the church build up the Christ-like characteristics they already have in a way more suited to their nature as men.

If you're still not convinced, here's another story. When I received my patriarchal blessing last year, it happened in a very hard time in my life. I went to receive this blessing so that I would get some direction and comfort in my life, that I would know that I was not stumbling around in the dark alone and for nothing. As I walked up the steps, I was in panic mode. Why was I going to let some stranger into my life for such a personal reason and when I had so much pain and fear in my heart? I knocked on the door and the first person to greet me was the patriarch's wife. One of the sweetest women I have ever met in my life. She was one of those few women I ever met where you can feel a spirit of love radiating off her simply by standing in her presence. Her loving nature was exactly what I needed before I could go in to meet with the patriarch. I know the Lord called the patriarch to his calling with full knowledge that his wife would be essential to him fulfilling his responsibilities. Without her, I know he would not have been able to manage the calling alone, I could see that in the brief time I was in their home. If you need equality in the church, that's where the equality is. Men and women need to use their gifts from God together, whether your tool is your personal characteristics or if it's the Priesthood power. I need the blessings of the Priesthood in my life daily and in turn, I need to help the men in my life exercise their Priesthood to the best of my abilities. That's equality.

Whew. That was a lot of thoughts. I hope it made sense. I'd love to hear the thoughts of others, all I ask is that you refrain from being abusive or hurtful in your comments. Thanks lovelies!

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Kill and Run

To fight or take flight.

Life for me lately has been a lot about choosing battles. What am I going to choose to fight against today. What am I going to choose to let slide. What am I going to choose to simply walk away from.

Until the only battles you have left are the ones you can't fight off or flee from easily.

In my psychology class, we talked a lot about this fight-and-flight response. Though this physiological response came about in the good old days when we humans were regularly fighting off mammoths and saber tooth tigers, it is still very much present in our own lives with different stressors. Work. School. Family. Relationships. Associations. Accidents. Deadlines. Commitments. Dreams. Everything. But the difference now is that we can't respond the way that our mind wants us to anymore. We can't just punch our boss when he becomes aggressive. We can't just walk away from schoolwork because it got too hard for us to handle. We can't turn down assignments and responsibilities because it's too overwhelming to handle. We can't simply fight or take flight.

How dearly I miss the days when it was so easy to let things go. When there were so many fewer consequences. When there was so much time to use. When there was no one who depended on you. When there was a clear enemy and a clear mission to fulfill. When there were so many resources in front of you. When there were fewer questions and more answers. When there were always other options.

I'm so tired of fighting. I wish I could just take flight.

Monday, May 26, 2014

Are You What You Want To Be?

I think I've reached that point in my college career when I stop and say "Why am I doing this again?" That point when you've been working so hard towards a dream but then you realize that you don't remember why that dream was so important to you. That point when you jump off a high surface and you realize in the middle of your descent to Earth that you're a freaking idiot and why in the world would you ever think that was a good idea. 

Working the typical 9-5 American work day has really bogged me down. It's opened me to the horrors of repetition, the dread you feel when you wake up the next morning and realize you have to do the same exact thing you did yesterday. And you realize you'll be doing the same thing tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. And the next day. Until you wake up one morning and ask "Why am I doing this again? What was I trying to achieve? Why did I think this was a good idea?"

I love what I learn. I love what I do. Yet when I come home from another interminable day at work, I feel like I accomplished nothing in the grand scheme of things. I feel like I contributed nothing to the world that day. I feel like I wasted so much effort for so little reward to society. I feel useless.

I've been thinking a lot about teaching high school business courses. Unfortunately, our school systems are just barely waking up to the idea of having business classes in high school. Utah is among a small handful of states that require students to take a finance course to graduate while other states simply offer small classes as an option. I see a lot of value in investing more people and resources into providing business classes to high school classes. In talking with a lot of my fellow classmates before graduating, a lot of them have these big ideas about what they want to accomplish in life. But sadly, I know most of the ideas will remain just that, an idea. High school, the time when kids are supposed to mapping out the next stages in their lives, don't expose the students to real world ideas on how to be innovative and expand their ideas. I spent so much time worrying about physics equations, war dates, math theorems, and chemical reactions to fulfill what the state felt was necessary for me to be a successful individual. There was very little time for me to explore things that interested me, things that I could actually use after leaving high school.

With teaching, I want to inspire people to be creative thinkers and to push ideas forward. I want to encourage innovation and hard work. I want to stimulate people's thought processes and accomplish their dreams. I want to watch people grow and take pride in the fact that I helped them get there.

 It's so hard to figure out how you fit into this world. To figure out the roles you need to fulfill. To figure out how your talents and abilities apply to your little section of the big picture. It's a very easy thing to second guess unfortunately and I think we spend a lot of time chiseling away at our skills and character to fit the mold we create for ourselves. I hope I find another dream to chase soon. I hope I don't keep waking up with questions and doubts. I hope there will be a time for me where I can look back on the day and feel that I did accomplish something in the world that day. I hope I will find purpose.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Because of Him

Because of Him, my family is mine forever.

Because of Him, my life is filled with people and opportunities that bring me joy.

Because of Him, I always have a friend that will be there through all my triumphs and all my downfalls.

Because of Him, I have purpose.

Because of Him, my sins no longer weigh my soul down and the Savior as saved me, something I could never do for myself.

Because of Him, my possibilities are endless and I have no limits.

Because of Him, I can do hard things.

Because of Him, I can love and be loved.

Because of Him, my heart is fuller and my countenance is brighter.

Because of Him, I know where I came from, I know where I am at, and I know where I am going.

Because of Him, I am free to make choices and experience consequences.

Because of Him, every day is a new opportunity to be a better me than I was the day before.

Because of Him, I can change people's lives every day.

Because of Him, I am free.

I know that my Redeemer lives. I know He loves me. I know He has bright things in store for me. I know I can do all things in him.

As he died to make men holy, let us live to make men free.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Kiss Me With Your Eyes So Sweetly

What am I doing wrong?

They continue to argue.

No I'm right. You made the mistake. No, you made the mistake. She leaves. He sits.

"You're doing really well Caylin. You understand these things much better than the other assistants."

Well if you put it that way, maybe I am doing it right...

She returns. They argue. She turns to me.

"I can tell you're smart. I'll work with you instead."

I glow. Well if you put it that way, maybe I am doing it right.

"She's a pretty smart girl Lee. I think we're all done finally."

She stands. I stand. I walk to the door.

"You were magnificent today Caylin."

"Yes, you really were. Thanks Caylin."

Well if you put it that way, maybe I am doing it right. 

I crave attention. I seek flattery. I desire recognition. I covet acknowledgement. I want adoration.

I'm addicted to praise.

We can all agree that little compliments are nice. They brighten our day, bring a little smile to our face, lighten our eyes a little bit more. But praise is like a drug for me. If I don't have it constantly, I start to break down mentally and emotionally. If my presence isn't acknowledged when I enter a room, I automatically panic and assume that I'm unwelcome or unloved. If I don't get complimented on a new outfit, I probably won't ever wear it again because it means it didn't look good on me. If someone doesn't compliment how I look that day, to me it means I look ugly or something is out of place. If I don't get encouraged while doing a task, I assume that I'm doing things incorrectly and my ability to focus tumbles. If I don't receive praise, I'm doing it wrong.

This is a problem that has been growing as I've grown older and my daily pressures have grown tougher and tougher. I think this problem arrived from the incredibly competitive atmosphere I created for myself since I started school. I always fought to be better than everyone in class, to be involved in more things than everyone else, to achieve more accomplishments than everyone else, to receive more recognition than everyone else. I wanted to be the best student, the best child, the best worker, the best friend, the best person. Sometimes I don't even have a clear opponent or a tangible target I needed to outbeat. I just have to be better than WHOEVER else might be in my way. In high school, I called this perfectionism. But now I realize I only wanted things to be perfect so I could be recognized as a perfect person. My personal worth has always felt like it depended on achievements and victories, not on who I was as a person.

Of course no one wants to admit they're narcissistic. I spend a lot of time and energy trying to restrain and hide this obsession for praise. I try my hardest to reach out to others, to put others' needs before my own. I try to resist begging for praise. But it all comes back to this desire for praise. I want to be recognized for being selfless and humble. How sad it is that the thing I try to do to become less self-absorbed is just another way I feed this crippling obsession.

This addiction to praise puts a huge emotional strain on my relationships with people. If I'm not getting recognized consistently by those I love or look up too, it's devastating and panic-inducing. No consistent praise means something is wrong about me. I try to never lead a person to praise me because if I lead on the compliment, I feel that it's fake and insincere. But if someone ends a conversation without acknowledging me in some fashion, I'm crushed and start mentally analyzing the reasons why I wasn't commended for anything.

Trying to beat this frame of mind is hard. I've been trying to establish enough confidence in myself that I don't need as much praise to function every day. But it's hard to build that personal strength when you rely so heavily on the words of others for your strength. I've been trying to do more meaningful service but that too has been a struggle because I need to be praised in order for me to feel accomplished. I know this restructuring of the mind is going to require personal reflection and affirmation but any other guidance is much appreciated. It's time to start relying on myself for strength instead of the words of others.

Well if you put it that way, maybe I am doing it right.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Little Wonders

Life is pretty overwhelming right now. My day is either a 12 hour workday or an 8 hour school day and my weekends are usually my day to catch up on my sanity. I tried to write my to do list on my hand the other day and I had to stop early when I realized the list went halfway up my arm. When someone tries to talk to me, I usually have to just nod and smile because my mind is in at least three different places and I can't focus on the conversation. Getting a text or call from someone stresses me out because that's just one more thing I have to give my limited attention to.

During this crazy time in my life, I've found that the best way to get through the long days is to recognize the very small mercies in my day. The little reminders that you are still loved and thought of. The little nudges to tell you you're always being looked after. The little reasons to remember the beauty of life.

Some of my favorites from life right now:

When Smiths has the buy two cereals, get milk free sale.

When you're late for work and all the lights in the busy downtown magically turn green.

When you spend the car ride home frustrated that you know you have nothing to eat at home for dinner and you walk into your apartment to find that your boyfriend waiting with one of your favorite meals on the table.

When the sun comes out every day when you have to walk to school.

When you see how much gas prices has gone up but when you go to fill up, you find out you have a 60 cents/gallon fuel reward.

When you have a terrible hair day yet your boyfriend still tells you that you look beautiful.

When I mess up on a little girl's teddy bear at work and her grandma still tells me I'm amazing at my job and made her grandkids day.

When a pair of $25 shoes you've been coveting after for days goes on sale for three bucks and your size is the last one left.

When my mom texts me a good night text randomly after I've had a particularly frustrating day.

When an Empire of the Sun song comes on the radio.

When customers compliment my outfit and ask me to pick out clothes for them.

When my family comes to visit me at work.

When a rainy day comes around and it stops raining while you're walking outside and it pours when you're inside.

When my teacher who has hundreds of students stops me after class to compliment my work or ask about life.

When my boyfriend calls me during the day just to check on me.

I could seriously go for hours. I'm very blessed despite my challenges. Even my challenges are tremendous blessings that I'm grateful for (usually). If your days feel like they're getting longer and harder, look for that invisible hand in your life that brings sweet little daily reminders that life is truly beautiful.

I'm one lucky girl.

Monday, March 10, 2014

Fake Empire

I never realized how much I hate social networking sites until this weekend.

It's seriously alarming to me the impressions people have about me simply by what I put on my Facebook. Which is pretty bizarre because I feel like all I've posted lately is a lot of Macklemore pictures and snarky comments about idiot customers. I use to think that it was only a handful of people that even pay attention to my posts. But after going back to the town were I grew up after not talking to some people for years, there were a lot of strange misconceptions people thought, simply by what I posted on my Facebook.

Believe it or not, I don't go out and party a lot.

In fact, I'm pretty much one of the most boring people ever.

Believe it or not, I'm not a heartbreaker on the prowl for more lives to ruin.

In fact, I have a heart that gets broken too.

Believe it or not, I didn't leave BYU because I'm rebellious.

In fact, I left BYU because I feel that it was an emotionally destructive environment for me.

Believe it or not, thinking that Mitt Romney is cuckoo for Cocoa-Puffs does not mean you're an Obama lover.

In fact, I think both parties are cuckoo for Cocoa-Puffs and voting nowadays is determining which Cocoa Puffs you can tolerate.

Believe it or not, just because I'm not following your fairy tale of a life plan does not mean I'm a screw-up.

In fact, I feel more on track in life than ever before.

Believe it or not, just because I'm not married does not mean I behind in life.

In fact, it probably means I'm a little more sane. And honestly, I'm not 100% sure if I've moved past the stage in my life when I think that boys are gross.

Hello readers, here's my re-introduction. I like rainy nights, Netflix dates, turquoise things, pretty rings, loud music, long socks, happy endings, and starry skies. I'm sweet, sassy, and witty. I work hard and take most things too seriously. Every decision I make requires endless amounts of decision, doubts, and deliberations. If I make a choice, it's only after I know it's perfectly right. I don't enjoy being spontaneous unless it's strictly organized and regulated spontaneity. Music speaks to my soul, whether my soul is aching or full of joy, and I love experiencing this music live. Sometimes I wish my heart was warmer, sometimes I wish I didn't care so much. One of my biggest fears is missing opportunities I could have taken and excelled at.

It's funny how much of our day-to-day lives we invest in being on social networking outlets, yet how little of our real lives we put on them. Perhaps this is a good thing, as most of my Facebook wall would consist of countless links to Britney Spears music or endless pictures of my bottomless Kool-Aid glass next to my bottomless pile of homework. I wish this wasn't such an issue but I'm definitely going to be more selective of what I post and who I share things with. However, I can assure you that my snarkiness and charm will never die. Deepest apologies.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Born This Way

I'm sorry the world thinks we're not good enough.

I've felt pretty under attack these past few weeks. I'm feeling the vulnerability of standing under a bright spotlight waiting for the judgment of the audience. The powerlessness of allowing society to determine your worth. The heartbreak when you discover you'll never be good enough. The pain in knowing someone will always be better than you despite your efforts toward perfection.

I watched Casino Royale (Bond film) a while back and I felt awful after watching it. It wasn't the violence, it wasn't the torture scenes, I realized I felt awful about myself. Bond films are a great example of this feeling of vulnerability. All the women in Bond films are good for is sex, bring a pretty face, and being the useless damsel in distress. And that's all the world will ever see women for. We talk progression and new opportunities but the attitude hasn't changed. I hear it in every catcall, I see it in looks on men's faces in the darkness of loud parties, I observe it in conversations between other guys. Women are simply objects.

My lovelies, I'm sorry the world doesn't think you're worth it. I'm sorry you have to feel the vulnerability and hopelessness that comes with letting society decide your place. I'm sorry that you are the recipient of the pain that comes with living in a filthy world that is founded on impossible standards for perfection. I'm sorry that the world says you're not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, kind enough, or whatever wild accusation the world is throwing at you.

You are good enough. You are pretty enough. You are smart enough. You are PERFECT. You are exactly the way you're supposed to be and that should be good enough for anyone. You are worth it, you will always be worth it, and there is always someone who loves you. And even if you don't think so, I freaking love you, you sexy beast of a reader. ;)

If you're reading this, send a message or call someone who you think might need encouragement. Run to the next room and give your housemate a hug. Smile at a person who looks unhappy. You never know the battle destroying a person inside. If you're the one who's feeling this sadness, talk to someone who makes you happy. Cuz dang straight you have friends who love you. Go spoil yourself a little, even if it just means going to get a chocolate bar. Cuz darn freaking right you're worth it. Blast Britney Spears or Kesha or Journey to get empowered. Keep on dancing til the world ends, wake up feeling like P. Diddy, don't stop believing, and repeat. Cuz heck yes you look hot dancing like a maniac.

Above all, remember that you're never alone in the struggle. You have a fighting friend on the other side of this blog post who is hoping someone else can understand the battle. Everyone you talk to, even in passing, is fighting, even if it's a different level then you're at or against different enemies. Fight your battle in numbers, be supportive and never try to bring others down. You are stronger than the world and its inability to see your beauty and potential. You are absolutely wonderful.

If you have other helpful tidbits, please share. I know people out there are tougher fighters than I am! And honestly, I want some advice for myself.

Sunday, January 26, 2014


I just want to let you know I'm happy.

Singing in the shower happy. Dancing in the middle of the night happy. Smiling at all hours happy. Leaving all stress behind happy. Being reckless and free happy. Enjoying the little moments instead of the big picture happy.

I feel electric.

Most of my life, I've thought of happiness as something you need to work to achieve. That once you cross the finish line, you're entitled to this happiness because you earned it. That you had to go through dark times before you were allowed to feel happy. That happiness is something you have to stay worthy of feeling and if you hadn't worked through hardships first, you weren't permitted to feel joy.

Many people compare life to a roller coaster, a track made up of continuous rises and falls, high points and low points. That you have to get past one stage to reach the other. That life is a cycle of times of pure happiness and times of pure despair and that only by waiting for the low point to pass could the roller coaster of life start to climb again.

Happiness is not a prize to be won. It's not a reward received after accomplishing some tremendous feat. It's not a gold star you put next to your name on a chart. It's not a plaque you can hang on your wall or a medal you can wear around your neck to show off your strength.

Happiness is an attitude.

Happiness is a choice to be made despite opposition. It is the determination to find and embrace the beauty in an ugly time. It is the desire to be the master of your own adventure, the narrator of your own story, and the hero of your own battle. It is how you will choose to see your challenges, like an opportunity waiting to be seized and learned from or a pitfall to be avoided or merely endured through.

Happiness begins and ends with your choice to stroll through life optimistically or to slump through life waiting for it to pass. Some days you just won't be able bring yourself above the clouds. But always keep your window to the world clean and your heart untainted. Remember that your happiness is a choice that only you can make.

Here comes bad news talking this and that, give me all you got and don't hold back. But I should probably warn you I'll be just fine. No offense to you, don't waste your time.

Because I'm happy.

Friday, January 10, 2014

With or Without You

You send songs racing through my head so why don't I describe us through songs?

You're something beautiful, a contradiction
I wanna play the game, I want the friction

Do you think I'm special? Do you think I'm nice? Am I bright enough to shine in your spaces? Boy, you're so dope, your love is deadly.
I’m nothing without you.

I’ll smile when you speak, remember all those times I was hoping for something
And shaking my head from all I have done, but you never left me.

You make me glow, you make me shine, but we always fight right on time. I’m building bridges that I know you never wanted and now on every single road that I could take. 

I want you to burn my bridges down.

I walk in circles but I'll never figure out what I mean to you? Do I belong?
I try to fight this but I know I'm not that strong. I've been away been running to save my head, the warrant's out and I'm almost dead.

I won't say what I've already said.

But I feel so helpless here... watch, my eyes are filled with fear. Being me can only mean feeling scared to breathe. If you leave me then I’ll be afraid of everything.

Tell me do you feel the same?
Hold me in your arms again.

My therapist told me that opposites attract, I wish that she was here when opposites attack. You love me then you hate, what's it going to be? I don't want to miss the magic that is you and me. 

When I wake up I’m afraid, somebody else might take my place. 

But when I wake up I’m afraid, somebody else might end up being me

And there's no remedy for memory your face. Like a melody, it won't lift my head. No one compares to you and I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side.

Why does it feel so good but hurt so bad? My mind keeps saying run as fast as you can.
I just don't know what to do, I'm too afraid to love you. All those sleepless nights and all those wasted days
I wish loneliness would leave me, but I think it's here to stay.

Saturday, January 4, 2014

Can't Hold Us

Thinking back on this past year, a lot has changed in 365 days. One word sticks out to me that defines the happiness, sorrows, stresses, and blessings of this year.


A year ago, I was a pretty terrified individual who was very lost on her way. The last weeks leading up to last New Years Eve were filled with sleepless nights and anxiety attacks. The end of 2012 was spending evenings in the bishop's office, begging him for answers on why I was so trapped. 2012 was wishing I could be anywhere but in BYU, where every day was a slap to my courage, esteem, and strength to keep going. 2012 was pleading to any entity that would listen that I could be free.

2013 was my liberation.

It was the year to recognize that I could be saved from my pains, that I was not as lost as I thought I was. It was the year to pick up the pieces and build something more beautiful than what was there before. It was the year to see that I have potential, that I am strong, and that I am bigger than anything that thinks they're tougher than me.

It was the year I regained my freedom.

I'm eternally grateful for the influences that have helped me reach this stage of peace. I'm thankful....

For Elder Lee in teaching me about the Atonement of Christ and that its power has no limits, how essential unconditional love is to our lives, and that focusing on the happy things is far more effective than looking at the dark side.

For Catherine in keeping my head on straight during those moments when I started to lose all sense

For Kylee and all of our nights spent dancing like there was no one around

For Andrea for the awesome roommate that she is and for sticking with me on all our crazy adventures this semester

For my amazing roommates Kristin and Sandra, who remind me everyday to embrace life in the moment and to never let opportunities pass you by

For Josh, in helping me discover one of my greatest loves in life, live electronic music :)

For Central YSA 2nd Ward, in helping me remember that we're all struggling but that we can all build each other back up.

For Brenner, Kess, and Courtney for reminding me that true friends care for you unconditionally.

The wonderful people who read my blog and send me comments about my post to help convince me I'm not a total failure and loser.

For my wonderful neighbors Rafael, Brant, and Dustin for reminding me that it's ok to be a nerd. Like a major nerd. Like an embarassingly major nerd.

And most importantly, my wonderful family who never gives up on me and reminds me that I will ALWAYS be loved.

I look forward to 2014 as a time to recognize the full freedom of my liberation, to use my experiences to be a light to others, to show gratitude for the immeasurable divine guidance I have been blessed with, and to keep moving forward. YOLO my darlings :)

*And I had to dedicate this post to a Macklemore song because last month marks my first year with Macklemore. Thanks for sticking with me baby :* This song perfectly describes how I feel about this upcoming year.*