Saturday, November 22, 2014

Disparate Youth

I'm doing ok.

I'm learning my limits.

I'm learning to breathe in.

I'm learning to breathe out.

I'm learning about being in control.

I'm learning how to be the bigger person.

I'm learning to find my happy place.

I'm learning about empowerment.

I'm learning to let things go.

I'm learning what joy is.

I'm doing ok.







Monday, November 10, 2014

All The Right Moves

Music nowadays is freaking horrible. Absolutely terrible. The songs currently rocking the charts are polluted with misdirected and inappropriate messages about how we should see others.

I'm sure you've all heard that song "All About That Bass" by Meghan Trainor.

I'm bringing booty back
Go ahead and tell them skinny witches that
No, I'm just playing I know you think you're fat,
But I'm here to tell you that,
Every inch of you is perfect from the bottom to the top
Yeah, my momma she told me don't worry about your size
She says, boys they like a little more booty to hold at night
You know I won't be no stick-figure, silicone Barbie doll,
So, if that's what's you're into
Then go ahead and move along

Or "Anaconda" by Nicki Minaj

This one is for my witches with a fat caboose in the freaking club
I said, "Where my fat caboose big witches in the club?"
Screw those skinny witches,
Screw those skinny witches in the club

(And yes, I did edit out the lyrics for those that are more sensitive to the language. But caboose should definitely make its way into lyrics nowadays amirite?)

I don't know about you all but these songs, and many others on the radio, makes me feel horrible about myself. I'm all for people celebrating their bodies, whatever body type that is. I think it's awesome that there is this new movement in the music industry to push aside the norms of "beauty" and celebrate what we've got. But it's 100% NOT OK to celebrate that at the expense of others. It's never ok to lift yourself up by pushing others down. So does this mean that if I am a size two with no hips, butt, or boobs to speak of that I'm gross and unattractive? Oh, and screw me? Thanks bro. 

It's really easy to fall in this frame of mind when we need a boost of self-esteem. It doesn't even need to be about looks, if we're feeling down on ourselves about anything, it's easy to want to bring others down to our level with whatever flaw we can see. It's like a balance beam, if one side is pushed down then the other side must come up. This way of thinking is toxic to our relationships with others, whether they be strangers, acquaintances, or loved ones. It damages our perception of people and the world. It traps us in a never-ending and painful cycle where we have to depend on the flaws of others for self-validation. It's a very unhealthy thought process and it's pretty scary how accessible these ideas are to others. It's scary that shaming others is acceptable, cool, and even celebrated nowadays. 

I'm definitely not perfect at thinking kindly of others, especially when days are rough. There are those days when I see a picture of an old ex with a new girl and I convince myself that he seriously downgraded to make myself feel better. There are days when I see that someone got a better score on a test than me and I find some flaw to pick on to make me feel high and mighty. It's a vicious cycle that's hard to get off of. Temporarily, it eases our pain but in the long run, it makes us weaker when we recognize the only way we feel happiness is through the degradation of others. 

Search for better outlets and esteem boosters. Take yourself out for dinner. Pour yourself a glass of chocolate milk. Buy yourself a nice new pair of shoes. Surround yourself with people that love you. Find an uplifting song that speaks to your soul. Love yourself so you can learn to love others. And if it wasn't clear before, it is NEVER ok to lift yourself up by pushing others down. Ok? Ok.  

Love, peace, and all that jazz you beautiful people. 








Friday, October 17, 2014

This Too Shall Pass

Things are going to be ok.

I have a job.

I'm going to an amazing school.

I have a wonderful family that is mine forever.

There's like two people in the world that think I'm cool and they aren't my mom.

Hocus Pocus was on TV tonight.

Things are ok.

I'm ok.

Well, I'm not really ok. But I'm going to be ok. It's going to be ok. Everything's going to be ok.

Ok? Ok.



Saturday, October 11, 2014

Starlight

I've had a really hard time talking these past few days. I'm hoping writing will release some baggage.

I don't understand a lot of things. I don't understand why I have to keep being brought to this point. I don't understand why I need this lesson over and over again. I don't understand why I have to be broken again and again in the exact same place.

I don't understand why you think I'm invincible.

I think I've done an absolute fabulous job of proving I'm incompetent in these aspects of life. I think I've made it clear that I can't handle this anymore. I think I've exceeded all expectations in the category of screwing myself over.

I think I've done this enough times.

I don't want to be a pawn anymore. I don't want to be used. I don't want to be the end of a joke.

I don't want to be a player in this game.

Let me know when I'm considered worthy enough to understand the purpose behind it all. Let me know when I'm considered smart enough to see the bigger picture. Let me know when I'm considered good enough to have some questions answered.

I'm anxious for it



Sunday, August 10, 2014

Needing/Getting

There ain't much that's dumber, there ain't much that's dumber then pinning your hopes on a change in another.

How dumb am I.

I wish I spent less of my life hoping a change in one thing will bring about changes in other things. I wish I spent less of my life hoping an answer will present itself. I wish I spent less of my life hoping my happiness is safe with fickle events and fickle people.

I wish I spent less of my life hoping instead of doing.

I don't need this to happen for me to be happy. I don't need a good job to be happy. I don't need a degree to be happy. I don't need to be more successful than them to be happy. I don't need to be prettier to be happy. I don't need a shiny ring on my finger to be happy. I don't need a missionary badge on my chest to be happy. I don't need to be superior to be happy.

I don't need you to be happy.

I am the only one in charge of my happiness. I won't let you, or him, or her take away that power. I won't let this moment or this hour or this day or this year take away that power. I won't let myself give away that power.

Needing is one thing and getting's another.







Wednesday, June 25, 2014

To Ordain or Not To Ordain

My Thoughts on the Ordain Women Chaos

I guess the main thing I want to focus on is my feelings on women having the Priesthood. Yep, we'll start there. But first, a story.

My brother Zac just recently graduated from high school and is a priest in our ward. A couple months ago, I was home for the weekend and I went to my home ward for church that Sunday. I walked in a little bit late and quickly dashed into the chapel and did the awkward scan of the congregation from the door as everyone watched me. I spotted just my mom and Ansel sitting together alone in a row. Well, that was normal. Dad was out of town, Alex was passing the sacrament, and Zac was likely still sleeping at home. Imagine my surprise as I sat down next to Ansel, set down my purse and looked up to the front of the chapel to see Zac sitting at the sacrament table with the other priests. Um, what? When I left for school, Zac hadn't been to church in weeks and it had only been by extreme force. But here he was about to bless the sacrament for the entire congregation. I leaned over to my mom and asked why Zac was up at the table and she said it was his first Sunday ever blessing the sacrament. It was a very special experience seeing Zac uphold his Priesthood that day. And every time I see him since that Sunday, he is happier, he is more kind to others, and he is more dedicated to serving others.

Another story.

My brother Alex is thirteen and is in the Deacon presidency of his quorum (I probably totally botched that terminology up, my apologies). It turns out that the job requires A LOT more effort than you'd ever think for what seems like a simple position. He had meetings all the time and always seemed to have dozens of service projects in the works for members of our ward. He is busy all the time for the sake of others. Since he has received this calling, he too is much happier, much kinder, and much more focused on service.

I can see where women in the church are coming from when they talk about wanting the Priesthood. It's about equality, it's about proving that we aren't inferior to men, it's about having more responsibilities. And I am all for that in the world today. I hate being treated lower than men simply because of my gender. I hate that opportunities are passed above my head, especially in the work field I am, simply because I have an extra X chromosome. I hate that I likely won't ever get the same treatment and responsibilities in life because I am a woman.

But this is not how I feel about the Priesthood.

Another story.

My sweet mom has fulfilled many callings within the church in Young Women's, Primary, and Relief Society. One of the callings I remember the most is when she was Relief Society president in our ward back in Washington. She worked SO HARD at her calling. Every ounce of herself went into this calling and every minute that she wasn't fulfilling her responsibilities at her job or at home, she was working to strengthen the sisters she was placed in charge of. Even though I was young, I could see how hard it was for her. But I also could see how the lives she was changing in that Relief Society simply by being the loving individual she was. She did not need the Priesthood to fulfill her responsibilities. She already filled all the requirements of her job with her loving nature that she already possesses naturally.

When I think about my mom having the Priesthood on top of all the responsibilities she already has, it makes me cringe. I love my momma to pieces but I know she isn't well equipped to handle that. She goes about her life and responsibilities perfectly with just her nature as a woman. She is more capable of loving others unconditionally, she has greater capacity to feel empathy, and she has a greater nurturing instinct. The same is true of all women I know, it's just how we're programmed. We have natural tools to aid us as we go about our duties in the church and in our personal lives.

The more I see the men in my family and friend circles exercise their priesthood, the more I see how essential the Priesthood is in strengthening their character. The more they use their Priesthood, the more capable they are of loving others unconditionally, the greater capacity they have to feel empathy, and the greater instinct they have to be nurturing and kind. Sound familiar? If anything, the Priesthood brings about qualities in men that women already have naturally! The Priesthood is much more powerful in the hands of men than it is in the women because it strengthens both the people on the receiving end of the blessings as well as the Priesthood holder exercising his Priesthood power. If you're looking for equality in the church, THERE'S your equality. The responsibilities that women hold in the church build up the Christ-like characteristics that a woman already has. The Priesthood that men hold in the church build up the Christ-like characteristics they already have in a way more suited to their nature as men.

If you're still not convinced, here's another story. When I received my patriarchal blessing last year, it happened in a very hard time in my life. I went to receive this blessing so that I would get some direction and comfort in my life, that I would know that I was not stumbling around in the dark alone and for nothing. As I walked up the steps, I was in panic mode. Why was I going to let some stranger into my life for such a personal reason and when I had so much pain and fear in my heart? I knocked on the door and the first person to greet me was the patriarch's wife. One of the sweetest women I have ever met in my life. She was one of those few women I ever met where you can feel a spirit of love radiating off her simply by standing in her presence. Her loving nature was exactly what I needed before I could go in to meet with the patriarch. I know the Lord called the patriarch to his calling with full knowledge that his wife would be essential to him fulfilling his responsibilities. Without her, I know he would not have been able to manage the calling alone, I could see that in the brief time I was in their home. If you need equality in the church, that's where the equality is. Men and women need to use their gifts from God together, whether your tool is your personal characteristics or if it's the Priesthood power. I need the blessings of the Priesthood in my life daily and in turn, I need to help the men in my life exercise their Priesthood to the best of my abilities. That's equality.

Whew. That was a lot of thoughts. I hope it made sense. I'd love to hear the thoughts of others, all I ask is that you refrain from being abusive or hurtful in your comments. Thanks lovelies!

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Kill and Run

To fight or take flight.

Life for me lately has been a lot about choosing battles. What am I going to choose to fight against today. What am I going to choose to let slide. What am I going to choose to simply walk away from.

Until the only battles you have left are the ones you can't fight off or flee from easily.

In my psychology class, we talked a lot about this fight-and-flight response. Though this physiological response came about in the good old days when we humans were regularly fighting off mammoths and saber tooth tigers, it is still very much present in our own lives with different stressors. Work. School. Family. Relationships. Associations. Accidents. Deadlines. Commitments. Dreams. Everything. But the difference now is that we can't respond the way that our mind wants us to anymore. We can't just punch our boss when he becomes aggressive. We can't just walk away from schoolwork because it got too hard for us to handle. We can't turn down assignments and responsibilities because it's too overwhelming to handle. We can't simply fight or take flight.

How dearly I miss the days when it was so easy to let things go. When there were so many fewer consequences. When there was so much time to use. When there was no one who depended on you. When there was a clear enemy and a clear mission to fulfill. When there were so many resources in front of you. When there were fewer questions and more answers. When there were always other options.

I'm so tired of fighting. I wish I could just take flight.