Mission.... Impossible?

Today was stake conference for my ward and the overarching theme was missions. It was a really hard meeting to sit through. Not that stake conferences are easy to sit through under any circumstances but this one was especially difficult. As each individual got up to teach about the importance of missions, I sat in my chair pretty hurt and alone. After countless prayers and seeking personal revelation, I have decided not to go on a mission. It has never felt right for me to go and even as I type this out, I feel that same emptiness that came at the end of every prayer asking the Lord if I'm supposed to go. As time goes on, the answer no seems to get louder and more stern as I desperately begged for the answer to be yes.

This week, two of my closest friends told me that they are about to get started on mission papers. As excited  as I was for them (and I was absolutely beyond excited!), I was a little heart-broken. Why were these girls commanded to go on missions and I wasn't? Why wasn't I allowed to feel this same type of joy associated with preaching His gospel night and day? What had I done to be pushed down to the lowest rung of the ladder? Was I not a good enough person in the Lord's eyes? Could I not be trusted with teaching others? Was I too weak of an individual? There was one doubt after another and I was forced to conclude I wasn't good enough to be a representative of this church to the world.

As I was sitting in this meeting today, I remembered something my boyfriend had told me before leaving for his mission. We started dating only a month before he left on his mission and people really questioned my judgment on that decision. There were some times when I questioned it myself but I felt in my heart that it was the right thing to do. Dom told me before he left that no matter what happens in the future, he would be very grateful we dated before he left on his mission because he needed my encouragement and strength to help him stay on the right path to his mission. The significance of what he said didn't fully strike me until today as I was listening to the speakers and feeling sorry for myself. Maybe my mission wasn't to go out in the world and teach others directly. Maybe I was supposed to be behind the scenes and strengthening the missionaries so they could do that job.

When I first moved to Utah, I was called to some calling in the Laurels presidency (you can tell how passionate I was about it). The second counselor was setting me apart and I remembered he said something that I thought was beyond strange at the time of the blessing. He blessed me that I would strengthen the young men in my ward and in my life and help them want to serve missions in the future. Being a newbie in the ward, I was horrified that he had said that. What kind of responsibility is that?!?!?!?!?! Persuading people I barely knew to give up two years of their lives to teach the gospel? But as I reflected back on that experience, I realized that being a strength to others was MY mission to fulfill. Maybe I wouldn't even see how my actions affected others, but I was supposed to be an example at all times so that they would see Christ in their lives.

This never was the mission I expected for myself. I'm not going to be wearing a name tag or speaking in tongues in a foreign country. I'm not going to eat strange foods or share my testimony to strangers on the side of the road. I won't be biking 10 miles today (like I would do that ever of my own free will) or memorizing scripture passages. But I will be an instrument in the Lord's hand in the way that He thinks will be most effective, which is just as important as being a missionary. Maybe my mission will even change in the future and I will be able to serve a full-time missionary. But for now I'm supposed to focus on being a full-time example of Christ and encourage others to dedicate their talents to the Lord.

For those that are questioning a mission too, be open to the possibility that the Lord may have a different mission for you. One girl in my ward said that she wasn't meant to serve in the mission field but was meant to serve in family history and preparing her family names for temple work. The Lord will always take your fullest potential to the next level and perform miracles with it. Stay willing and stay worthy to be that instrument in his hands.

For your enjoyment, please waste your life away trying to find a song Spiderman can't dance to. It's a challenge that you'll actually enjoy doing :) Happy Sunday!