Kill and Run

To fight or take flight.

Life for me lately has been a lot about choosing battles. What am I going to choose to fight against today. What am I going to choose to let slide. What am I going to choose to simply walk away from.

Until the only battles you have left are the ones you can't fight off or flee from easily.

In my psychology class, we talked a lot about this fight-and-flight response. Though this physiological response came about in the good old days when we humans were regularly fighting off mammoths and saber tooth tigers, it is still very much present in our own lives with different stressors. Work. School. Family. Relationships. Associations. Accidents. Deadlines. Commitments. Dreams. Everything. But the difference now is that we can't respond the way that our mind wants us to anymore. We can't just punch our boss when he becomes aggressive. We can't just walk away from schoolwork because it got too hard for us to handle. We can't turn down assignments and responsibilities because it's too overwhelming to handle. We can't simply fight or take flight.

How dearly I miss the days when it was so easy to let things go. When there were so many fewer consequences. When there was so much time to use. When there was no one who depended on you. When there was a clear enemy and a clear mission to fulfill. When there were so many resources in front of you. When there were fewer questions and more answers. When there were always other options.

I'm so tired of fighting. I wish I could just take flight.

Are You What You Want To Be?

I think I've reached that point in my college career when I stop and say "Why am I doing this again?" That point when you've been working so hard towards a dream but then you realize that you don't remember why that dream was so important to you. That point when you jump off a high surface and you realize in the middle of your descent to Earth that you're a freaking idiot and why in the world would you ever think that was a good idea. 

Working the typical 9-5 American work day has really bogged me down. It's opened me to the horrors of repetition, the dread you feel when you wake up the next morning and realize you have to do the same exact thing you did yesterday. And you realize you'll be doing the same thing tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. And the next day. Until you wake up one morning and ask "Why am I doing this again? What was I trying to achieve? Why did I think this was a good idea?"

I love what I learn. I love what I do. Yet when I come home from another interminable day at work, I feel like I accomplished nothing in the grand scheme of things. I feel like I contributed nothing to the world that day. I feel like I wasted so much effort for so little reward to society. I feel useless.

I've been thinking a lot about teaching high school business courses. Unfortunately, our school systems are just barely waking up to the idea of having business classes in high school. Utah is among a small handful of states that require students to take a finance course to graduate while other states simply offer small classes as an option. I see a lot of value in investing more people and resources into providing business classes to high school classes. In talking with a lot of my fellow classmates before graduating, a lot of them have these big ideas about what they want to accomplish in life. But sadly, I know most of the ideas will remain just that, an idea. High school, the time when kids are supposed to mapping out the next stages in their lives, don't expose the students to real world ideas on how to be innovative and expand their ideas. I spent so much time worrying about physics equations, war dates, math theorems, and chemical reactions to fulfill what the state felt was necessary for me to be a successful individual. There was very little time for me to explore things that interested me, things that I could actually use after leaving high school.

With teaching, I want to inspire people to be creative thinkers and to push ideas forward. I want to encourage innovation and hard work. I want to stimulate people's thought processes and accomplish their dreams. I want to watch people grow and take pride in the fact that I helped them get there.

 It's so hard to figure out how you fit into this world. To figure out the roles you need to fulfill. To figure out how your talents and abilities apply to your little section of the big picture. It's a very easy thing to second guess unfortunately and I think we spend a lot of time chiseling away at our skills and character to fit the mold we create for ourselves. I hope I find another dream to chase soon. I hope I don't keep waking up with questions and doubts. I hope there will be a time for me where I can look back on the day and feel that I did accomplish something in the world that day. I hope I will find purpose.

Because of Him

Because of Him, my family is mine forever.

Because of Him, my life is filled with people and opportunities that bring me joy.

Because of Him, I always have a friend that will be there through all my triumphs and all my downfalls.

Because of Him, I have purpose.

Because of Him, my sins no longer weigh my soul down and the Savior as saved me, something I could never do for myself.

Because of Him, my possibilities are endless and I have no limits.

Because of Him, I can do hard things.

Because of Him, I can love and be loved.

Because of Him, my heart is fuller and my countenance is brighter.

Because of Him, I know where I came from, I know where I am at, and I know where I am going.

Because of Him, I am free to make choices and experience consequences.

Because of Him, every day is a new opportunity to be a better me than I was the day before.

Because of Him, I can change people's lives every day.

Because of Him, I am free.

I know that my Redeemer lives. I know He loves me. I know He has bright things in store for me. I know I can do all things in him.

As he died to make men holy, let us live to make men free.

Kiss Me With Your Eyes So Sweetly

What am I doing wrong?

They continue to argue.

No I'm right. You made the mistake. No, you made the mistake. She leaves. He sits.

"You're doing really well Caylin. You understand these things much better than the other assistants."

Well if you put it that way, maybe I am doing it right...

She returns. They argue. She turns to me.

"I can tell you're smart. I'll work with you instead."

I glow. Well if you put it that way, maybe I am doing it right.
"She's a pretty smart girl Lee. I think we're all done finally."

She stands. I stand. I walk to the door.

"You were magnificent today Caylin."

"Yes, you really were. Thanks Caylin."

Well if you put it that way, maybe I am doing it right. 

I crave attention. I seek flattery. I desire recognition. I covet acknowledgement. I want adoration.

I'm addicted to praise.

We can all agree that little compliments are nice. They brighten our day, bring a little smile to our face, lighten our eyes a little bit more. But praise is like a drug for me. If I don't have it constantly, I start to break down mentally and emotionally. If my presence isn't acknowledged when I enter a room, I automatically panic and assume that I'm unwelcome or unloved. If I don't get complimented on a new outfit, I probably won't ever wear it again because it means it didn't look good on me. If someone doesn't compliment how I look that day, to me it means I look ugly or something is out of place. If I don't get encouraged while doing a task, I assume that I'm doing things incorrectly and my ability to focus tumbles. If I don't receive praise, I'm doing it wrong.

This is a problem that has been growing as I've grown older and my daily pressures have grown tougher and tougher. I think this problem arrived from the incredibly competitive atmosphere I created for myself since I started school. I always fought to be better than everyone in class, to be involved in more things than everyone else, to achieve more accomplishments than everyone else, to receive more recognition than everyone else. I wanted to be the best student, the best child, the best worker, the best friend, the best person. Sometimes I don't even have a clear opponent or a tangible target I needed to outbeat. I just have to be better than WHOEVER else might be in my way. In high school, I called this perfectionism. But now I realize I only wanted things to be perfect so I could be recognized as a perfect person. My personal worth has always felt like it depended on achievements and victories, not on who I was as a person.

Of course no one wants to admit they're narcissistic. I spend a lot of time and energy trying to restrain and hide this obsession for praise. I try my hardest to reach out to others, to put others' needs before my own. I try to resist begging for praise. But it all comes back to this desire for praise. I want to be recognized for being selfless and humble. How sad it is that the thing I try to do to become less self-absorbed is just another way I feed this crippling obsession.

This addiction to praise puts a huge emotional strain on my relationships with people. If I'm not getting recognized consistently by those I love or look up too, it's devastating and panic-inducing. No consistent praise means something is wrong about me. I try to never lead a person to praise me because if I lead on the compliment, I feel that it's fake and insincere. But if someone ends a conversation without acknowledging me in some fashion, I'm crushed and start mentally analyzing the reasons why I wasn't commended for anything.

Trying to beat this frame of mind is hard. I've been trying to establish enough confidence in myself that I don't need as much praise to function every day. But it's hard to build that personal strength when you rely so heavily on the words of others for your strength. I've been trying to do more meaningful service but that too has been a struggle because I need to be praised in order for me to feel accomplished. I know this restructuring of the mind is going to require personal reflection and affirmation but any other guidance is much appreciated. It's time to start relying on myself for strength instead of the words of others.

Well if you put it that way, maybe I am doing it right.

Little Wonders

Life is pretty overwhelming right now. My day is either a 12 hour workday or an 8 hour school day and my weekends are usually my day to catch up on my sanity. I tried to write my to do list on my hand the other day and I had to stop early when I realized the list went halfway up my arm. When someone tries to talk to me, I usually have to just nod and smile because my mind is in at least three different places and I can't focus on the conversation. Getting a text or call from someone stresses me out because that's just one more thing I have to give my limited attention to.

During this crazy time in my life, I've found that the best way to get through the long days is to recognize the very small mercies in my day. The little reminders that you are still loved and thought of. The little nudges to tell you you're always being looked after. The little reasons to remember the beauty of life.

Some of my favorites from life right now:

When Smiths has the buy two cereals, get milk free sale.

When you're late for work and all the lights in the busy downtown magically turn green.

When you spend the car ride home frustrated that you know you have nothing to eat at home for dinner and you walk into your apartment to find that your boyfriend waiting with one of your favorite meals on the table.

When the sun comes out every day when you have to walk to school.

When you see how much gas prices has gone up but when you go to fill up, you find out you have a 60 cents/gallon fuel reward.

When you have a terrible hair day yet your boyfriend still tells you that you look beautiful.

When I mess up on a little girl's teddy bear at work and her grandma still tells me I'm amazing at my job and made her grandkids day.

When a pair of $25 shoes you've been coveting after for days goes on sale for three bucks and your size is the last one left.

When my mom texts me a good night text randomly after I've had a particularly frustrating day.

When an Empire of the Sun song comes on the radio.

When customers compliment my outfit and ask me to pick out clothes for them.

When my family comes to visit me at work.

When a rainy day comes around and it stops raining while you're walking outside and it pours when you're inside.

When my teacher who has hundreds of students stops me after class to compliment my work or ask about life.

When my boyfriend calls me during the day just to check on me.

I could seriously go for hours. I'm very blessed despite my challenges. Even my challenges are tremendous blessings that I'm grateful for (usually). If your days feel like they're getting longer and harder, look for that invisible hand in your life that brings sweet little daily reminders that life is truly beautiful.

I'm one lucky girl.

Fake Empire

I never realized how much I hate social networking sites until this weekend.

It's seriously alarming to me the impressions people have about me simply by what I put on my Facebook. Which is pretty bizarre because I feel like all I've posted lately is a lot of Macklemore pictures and snarky comments about idiot customers. I use to think that it was only a handful of people that even pay attention to my posts. But after going back to the town were I grew up after not talking to some people for years, there were a lot of strange misconceptions people thought, simply by what I posted on my Facebook.

Believe it or not, I don't go out and party a lot.

In fact, I'm pretty much one of the most boring people ever.

Believe it or not, I'm not a heartbreaker on the prowl for more lives to ruin.

In fact, I have a heart that gets broken too.

Believe it or not, I didn't leave BYU because I'm rebellious.

In fact, I left BYU because I feel that it was an emotionally destructive environment for me.

Believe it or not, thinking that Mitt Romney is cuckoo for Cocoa-Puffs does not mean you're an Obama lover.

In fact, I think both parties are cuckoo for Cocoa-Puffs and voting nowadays is determining which Cocoa Puffs you can tolerate.

Believe it or not, just because I'm not following your fairy tale of a life plan does not mean I'm a screw-up.

In fact, I feel more on track in life than ever before.

Believe it or not, just because I'm not married does not mean I behind in life.

In fact, it probably means I'm a little more sane. And honestly, I'm not 100% sure if I've moved past the stage in my life when I think that boys are gross.


Hello readers, here's my re-introduction. I like rainy nights, Netflix dates, turquoise things, pretty rings, loud music, long socks, happy endings, and starry skies. I'm sweet, sassy, and witty. I work hard and take most things too seriously. Every decision I make requires endless amounts of decision, doubts, and deliberations. If I make a choice, it's only after I know it's perfectly right. I don't enjoy being spontaneous unless it's strictly organized and regulated spontaneity. Music speaks to my soul, whether my soul is aching or full of joy, and I love experiencing this music live. Sometimes I wish my heart was warmer, sometimes I wish I didn't care so much. One of my biggest fears is missing opportunities I could have taken and excelled at.

It's funny how much of our day-to-day lives we invest in being on social networking outlets, yet how little of our real lives we put on them. Perhaps this is a good thing, as most of my Facebook wall would consist of countless links to Britney Spears music or endless pictures of my bottomless Kool-Aid glass next to my bottomless pile of homework. I wish this wasn't such an issue but I'm definitely going to be more selective of what I post and who I share things with. However, I can assure you that my snarkiness and charm will never die. Deepest apologies.

Born This Way

I'm sorry the world thinks we're not good enough.

I've felt pretty under attack these past few weeks. I'm feeling the vulnerability of standing under a bright spotlight waiting for the judgment of the audience. The powerlessness of allowing society to determine your worth. The heartbreak when you discover you'll never be good enough. The pain in knowing someone will always be better than you despite your efforts toward perfection.

I watched Casino Royale (Bond film) a while back and I felt awful after watching it. It wasn't the violence, it wasn't the torture scenes, I realized I felt awful about myself. Bond films are a great example of this feeling of vulnerability. All the women in Bond films are good for is sex, bring a pretty face, and being the useless damsel in distress. And that's all the world will ever see women for. We talk progression and new opportunities but the attitude hasn't changed. I hear it in every catcall, I see it in looks on men's faces in the darkness of loud parties, I observe it in conversations between other guys. Women are simply objects.

My lovelies, I'm sorry the world doesn't think you're worth it. I'm sorry you have to feel the vulnerability and hopelessness that comes with letting society decide your place. I'm sorry that you are the recipient of the pain that comes with living in a filthy world that is founded on impossible standards for perfection. I'm sorry that the world says you're not pretty enough, skinny enough, smart enough, kind enough, or whatever wild accusation the world is throwing at you.

You are good enough. You are pretty enough. You are smart enough. You are PERFECT. You are exactly the way you're supposed to be and that should be good enough for anyone. You are worth it, you will always be worth it, and there is always someone who loves you. And even if you don't think so, I freaking love you, you sexy beast of a reader. ;)

If you're reading this, send a message or call someone who you think might need encouragement. Run to the next room and give your housemate a hug. Smile at a person who looks unhappy. You never know the battle destroying a person inside. If you're the one who's feeling this sadness, talk to someone who makes you happy. Cuz dang straight you have friends who love you. Go spoil yourself a little, even if it just means going to get a chocolate bar. Cuz darn freaking right you're worth it. Blast Britney Spears or Kesha or Journey to get empowered. Keep on dancing til the world ends, wake up feeling like P. Diddy, don't stop believing, and repeat. Cuz heck yes you look hot dancing like a maniac.

Above all, remember that you're never alone in the struggle. You have a fighting friend on the other side of this blog post who is hoping someone else can understand the battle. Everyone you talk to, even in passing, is fighting, even if it's a different level then you're at or against different enemies. Fight your battle in numbers, be supportive and never try to bring others down. You are stronger than the world and its inability to see your beauty and potential. You are absolutely wonderful.

If you have other helpful tidbits, please share. I know people out there are tougher fighters than I am! And honestly, I want some advice for myself.