At Least I'm Not As Sad As I Used To Be

For some strange reason, people seem to think I have the answers to relationship problems... Which is odd because I honestly have more questions than anyone at this point in my life. I should be the one asking questions! But these are some thoughts that I've had this weekend about relationships. Maybe someone will find this useful. Hopefully. 

I was browsing on Facebook and I saw something reposted from Tumblr that said "I wish there were necklaces given to us that birth that were half of a unique shape and your soulmate wore the other half and they got warmer the closer together you were and colder the further away you were so you could go on this journey when you're ready to find your other half so that you could be spared all the pain and heartbreak of being played with by those who don't take dating as seriously as you do."

When I first read this, I thought "Holy Hanna, if only." Wouldn't that be so much better? You would know for sure who your other half was and there would be no pain along the way? No heartbreak, no trust issues, no anxiety, no tears, just the excitement on being on the journey? How easy, how simple..

How mindless.

I've been through my fair share of heartbreaks over the past few years, some of which are still very sensitive to me. And despite the tears, the depression, the aniexty, the self-hate, the loneliness, the uncertainty, and the general pains of these experiences, it's from this darkness that I've learned the most important lessons of life. And from these experiences, I've gained a better understanding of what love is. Love isn't necessarily finding a person that you automatically connect with on every level. Love is a journey, a never-ending process, a beautiful work in constant progress.

Would you really want destiny to determine your future for you? Would you want your future handed to you on a silver platter, with no effort or connection to it? With no emotional tie to your own future? Would you want the greatest treasure of your life simply handed to you, when you haven't taken the time to learn about and appreciate its unique and beautiful qualities?

In case you need a checkpoint, your answer should be NO.

Like anything in life, it's always better when you work for it. In school, in family life, in your occuation, in your relationships with others. When you work to improve yourself, your expectations and your strategies for success, the journey is always more impactful and the end result is always more meaningful. Ladies and gents, I know love is hard. I know relationships are hard. I know that boys/girls are stupid. I know that people are heartless. But that doesn't mean there isn't a treasure that you have to work to discover. That doesn't mean you give up. It means you get over it, move on, and learn from your mistakes. Or those mistakes will return to haunt you until you finally decide to learn from them.

Think of these hardships and sorrows as merely pieces to the road you're on. It's hard work and some days you just won't be able to think of your challenges in that way. But the journey is worth it and the treasure that you work towards is more precious then you could ever comprehend. Choose that you will get up and move on and NOT let your heartbreak rule you. Rule your heartbreak and let it teach you.

Goodbye Apathy

Today I waiting for my train to go back home after work. An older homeless man sat down next to me and I just did my best to ignore him like every other person on the station. I had a lot on my mind today. Starting a second job. Trying to balance it with my first. My missionary's first birthday away from home. My school schedule for next semester that wasn't working out. My new medications I have to start soon. Paying bills and rent. Anxiety's been settling in nicely these past few weeks.

As much as I tried to block out everyone around me with my huge headphones on with some loud Timbaland song playing, the man tried to talk to me. He spoke, waiting for me to respond, and when I didn't, he spoke louder. I took off my headphones unwillingly, not in a good enough mood to talk to strangers in downtown Salt Lake. The man asked me various questions about myself: where I was coming from, where I was going, how did I like the U, why did I leave BYU, what do I want to do with my life. He told me about his niece my age and his brother who lived nearby, all with the sweetest smile on his face. And I found my anger, anxiety, and frustration slowly draining. My train home finally arrived and I got up to board the train. The man called out "God bless you, and you just keep working hard. It will be ok. Good luck with everything." It was all I could do to stop from bursting into tears on the train. And I had no problem with doing it as soon as I got off the train. Who the heck was this guy and why did he know that I so desperately needed someone to tell me that?

A few weeks ago, I had my job interview at Build A Bear Workshop and one of the questions that kept coming up on my interview questionnaire was "Do you believe people are inherently good?" I asked my manager about it and she read me a section of the employee handbook where it says that one of the company's core beliefs is that people are inherently good and that it why good customer service and strong relationships are so important to the business. I checked all the right answers just to get through the interview but for the next few days, that question stuck with me. Do I believe people are inherently good?

I haven't really come up with a yes/no answer yet but I thought a lot about how most people I know, particularly my generation, are inherently acting in their own self-interest. Which can mean a lot of different things but for my age group in particular, it doesn't necessarily mean "good" things. I'm at the age where everything is a competition: School, work, dating, friendships. Life is survival of the fittest and you can't expect to amount to anything if you aren't the best at what you do. You can't be the top in your class unless there are contenders below you who didn't perform as well. You can't get the best job unless you're more qualified and efficient than the other contenders. You can't have the best significant other unless you're the world's idea of Prince/Princess Charming and there are other contenders that are less desirable than you. Life at this age is pure competition! Which means there are brutal and unfair ways that people fight to the top. Which makes it pretty hard to believe that people are inherently good. If people were so good, wouldn't they do their best to lift up everyone instead of pushing down others to bring themselves to the top?

So survival of the fittest is all fine and dandy. It's what keeps life evolving and progressing right? One thing I've noticed is that my attitude towards this selfish competition is becoming more and more relaxed. Life is all about me right now. My problems, my dilemmas, just ME. I've been trying in past months to be a little more selfless but I justified my selfish tendencies by saying that I need to be selfish during this time of my life so I can have the resources to be selfless in the future. I tell myself it's ok to just focus on myself for these next few years because I'll have plenty of time in the future and be more prepared to be a better citizen of life when the "me years" are done.

Pretty stupid right?

I didn't realize this until the man on the train took time out of his own day to be selfless for a very selfish person like me. He was the person I didn't deserve in my life right now but I desperately needed to remind me what's really important. Because trying to be the best at work and trying to be the best in school certainly isn't it. Being more aware of people going through hardships around me and being more receptive to their needs, however, is ESSENTIAL.

Thank you random homeless man for telling me that things will work themselves out if I just work my hardest. Thank you for being selfless when I'm sure you have more reasons than I do to be selfish and egotistical. Thank you for being an example of inherently good people when society gives me plenty of examples of inherently selfish people. And thanks for the remind that I am an inherently self-interested person who needs to be a person more interested in others.

 

Give Me Love

Hmmm... I'm still not sure if this is a good idea to post about... Ah well, when have I ever been rational?

So I'm sure every single one of you has seen the article "Marriage Isn't For You" A better way to say it is I'm pretty sure your Facebook feed has been drowning with this post for the past couple weeks. At any rate, I've seen a lot of seperate articles, Facebook posts, blog posts, etc. all voicing their own opinions whether they think this guy is a heavenly genius or a certified lunatic. So that is my post for the day, simply adding to the noise about this marriage article. I'm not married so this is going to be from a different perspective but I think the concepts apply to some degree.

The author starts off with some advice that his father gave him about marriage. Copied and pasted, he said "You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy.
Let's start with the first part, you marry to make someone else happy. I could not disagree with the wording of this sentence any more. When has it EVER been healthy to let your happiness rely on one person? Any person at all? One of the most important lessons I've learned in life is to never let your personal happiness be determined on another person. People will always let you down, whether they intend to or not, whether they are the love of your life or not. Letting your happiness depend on how other people act is like walking around with a sign on your head saying "Please stab me repeatedly in the heart until I wake up from my dream in Fantasyland where Prince Charming is a mind-reader, where unicorns run across fields of candy trees and chocolate mountains, and where perfect people exist." The fact that people aren't perfect is one of the most BEAUTIFUL things about this world. Yep, that's right. The fact that people make mistakes, piss you off, ruin your life, ruin their own life, and overall mess the order of the universe up is BEAUTIFUL. As my wonderful friend Josh Nelson said, who wants to live in a world where everyone is perfect? How boring, how drab, how useless and unproductive of a life.

Anyways, back onto personal happiness. Now assuming that you marry to make someone else happy, wouldn't you also have to assume that everyone is perfect in order for this to work? That your spouse, partner, significant other, acquaintace knows exactly how to behave at every moment at every day in order for your personall happiness to be maximized? Sound a little too good to be true? Oddly enough, it is.
The author goes on to say that "A true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

Which is all sweet and fantastic and whatever. But is also so entirely unhealthy. Being entirely selfless worked for Jesus but that's pretty much where we draw the line. The other billions of people living around the world have the problem of being imperfect and selfish people. And I think that's just fine to be selfish sometimes! When I think of any relationship that I've had, romantic or otherwise, there have been moments when I had to be the strong one when the other was weak or when I needed the other to be strong because I was weak. And since we're imperfect people who live life like it's a rollercoaster, we're going to have ups and downs. It is simply impossible to be selfless all the time. Sure, it's a nice goal to work towards but don't be too surprised when it doesn't work.

I know it sounds like I'm just continously bashing on this guy's thought process but he's not completely wrong. He's right in the sense that you need to be constantly aware of the other person's needs and that being selfless is something to work towards (even though we already know it's next to impossible to always be that way). I think a more accurate title would be "Marriage Isn't Just About You." It is so important to be loving, supportive, and understanding in all of your relationships, really to anyone you meet in general. But it's equally important to be aware of your own needs and to realize that you can't fully rely on another imperfect person to take care of those needs for you. It's important to be aware that it's ok to be selfish sometimes. It's important to be aware that you can't always be Superman. Sometimes you have to be Lois Lane.

As I've said before, one of the most significant lessons to learn is that you can't let your happiness depend on the actions of imperfect people. I've seen this reliance on other people break people's hearts and it's broken my own heart multiple times, and not just in a romantic relationship either. What I've learned about relationships is that sometimes you need the other's help and love to remind you of your strength and potential to succeed. Sometimes you're the weak one and sometimes you're the strong one. But the beautiful thing about any type of relationship is that true love and friendship is when you don't care how often you are the strong one or how often you are the weak one. The only thing that matters to you is that you are continously working to build up the other and to build yourself up because you want to see the both of you succeed and progress towards your personal happiness.

One thing that I learned from this article is that there are many "recipes" for love because no two relationships are the same. Isn't that beautiful? My way to build a successful relationship is totally different from yours, even if there are a few similarities. Take what advice you may but also recognize that this article's advice or my thoughts may not apply to you as much as it does to others. People love others differently and people feel love from others differently. I think the amazing part of any relationship, whether it's a family member, a friend, or a significant other, is the journey in discovering how your relationship needs to work in order for both people to benefit the most from it. And for some relationships, that's a life long process. But enjoy the journey, enjoy the lessons, enjoy the mistakes, enjoy the triumphs, enjoy the imperfections. And always keep moving forward with unconditional love, not backwards with apathy.


P.S. This is one of my favorite songs ever.

Everybody's Watching Me (Uh Oh)

I'm being watched.
And it's terrifying.

About a month ago, I went to my home ward to see sweet little Ansel perform in the church's Primary program. I noticed during the Sacrament that the little girl sitting next to me was copying everything I was doing. She was sitting in the same way that I was, ankles crossed, hands folded on my lap, a little slouched over. Just to test her, I uncrossed my ankles, sat straigh up in my chair, and started to braid a piece of my hair. And even though this girl couldn't have been more than three years old, she sat up straight and pretended to braid her hair. I reached down to open the hymn book and I started to read a sacrament hymn. The little girl opened her hymn book and began to pretend it, occasionally glancing up at me from the corner of her eye to make sure I wasn't shifting my position.

This should have just been a cute little moment where I thought it was just adorable that this little girl was trying to act like a grown-up (or whatever you want to call me). But I was terrified.

Why is this girl following my every move?
Why doesn't she follow someone else's movements?
WHY ME?!?

I've never really considered myself an outstanding example to follow. Not only am I the most embarassing person in the universe but I am so far from being a positive role model. I make mistakes. Big ones. A lot. I've done plenty of things I'm not proud of. And it really pains me that this is the model that the people in my life have to look up to. Me, the person who is hard-hearted and cold, who is fleeting and afraid of settling down, who is wandering without a clear path, who is slipping off the slope in every direction. This is the mess my brothers have to see, my roommates have to see, my peers have to see, my friends have to see, my family has to see. And they're expected to learn something from me? Maybe what NOT to do in life. But I'm certainly not much to be proud of.

I think this little girl made me realize that as much as I wish people didn't look up to me, people still do. And we have to always be ready for that. We always have to strive to be people we're proud of. We always have to be individuals that others can learn from in a positive light. We have to put the fake smile on our face and pretend we know what we're doing. And that's something everyone can do. You can always be a better person than you were the day before. You can always shine a little brighter for the people around you. You can always talk a little nicer, stand a little taller, smile a little brighter, hope a little higher.

Always be the best representation of yourself.
You are always being watched. Even when you wish you weren't.

Right Thoughts, Right Words, Right Actions

This blog post might be a mess, but truly, I'm kind of a mess right now. I started a new pill (cough, nudge, wink) this week and it's been a struggle. I haven't slept well in days, I have the temper of an army sergeant, and I've been so hungry ALL THE TIME. I just ate a huge beef chimichanga and I'm still so hungry I can barely remember my name... So if this post makes you question my sanity, trust me you're not alone. I had a dream about Michael Jackson line dancing last night, I'm pretty worried too.

Anyways, this week I've been thinking a lot about my endurance. Or lack thereof. If you've kept up on my posts or been a close enough friend, you'll know that my life has been one huge change on top of another for the past year or so. And while I at first thought that it simply meant I was just improving my life and showing a sign of strength, I've started to come to the conclusion that it might be a weakness. What does making constant changes in my life suggest? That I just might not be strong enough to handle the cards placed before me.

It's always been my philosophy that if you don't like something, change it. And up until this point, I really didn't have much of a problem giving up on things and moving on to the next chapter.

Until I realized that I can't change everything.

Until I realized that I'm truly vunerable.

Until I realized that I really do care more than I want to admit.

But what's the balance then? When do you just have to face the facts and learn to endure instead of trying to find a way out?

And is it a bad thing to want to change at all?

I'd like to think that the changes I've gone through in the past year have shaped me into a better person. I'd like to think that I'm more equipped to handle life's challenges now. I'd like to think it'll be better from here on out. But I'm not so sure. I think I've learned to be a really fast runner from all conflicts. I've learned to be a really sneaky avoider of all problems. I've learned to be a really crafty manipulator of all trials.

But I have no idea how to sit and deal with problems. I only know how to run.

Maybe this next stage of my life will be an endurance run instead of a speed run. Maybe some day I will be ok with walking instead of racing. Maybe someday I'll be content instead of anxious.

Maybe someday change will be a sign of strength again.

Adrift

And so ends another General Conference. This post isn't exactly going to be your typical social networking update about General Conference. No pictures of quotes written in Comic Sans. No Instagram pictures of the temple. No stupid hashtags like #teamuchtdorf or #teammonson. Just truth, just thoughts, just  realizations.

Every one take something different away from Conference and I guess my story begins the same way Conference starts, with the first session. I was picking up a common theme from the first few talks: Unity within the church and outside of it. I thought about this a lot as I was on the train to the conference center and I realized something that I had never quite picked up on about myself.

I feel no connection to the church anymore.

That's not to say that I don't believe in the gospel the LDS church teaches. I believe in a loving Father in Heaven and His Son Jesus Christ. I believe Jesus atoned for our sins and was crucified so that we can live again free from our mistakes. I believe in Joseph Smith and that he restored the true church. I believe in the prophet and his apostles. I believe in the power of the Priesthood and I believe in the sealing power of the temple. I still feel the Spirit and I still have a strong relationship with my Heavenly Father.

Despite this, I don't think I believe in the role of a church anymore.

I think this has been going on since I came to Utah but as this problem slowly and subtly got worse, it came to the point where my attitude had completely changed from what it had been before. I feel less and less sincerity from the members I associate with, whether it be the speaker in church or the crazy 1st counselor who always asks me why I'm not married yet. I spend more time thinking about how different my views from the world are from the other members' views instead of celebrating the similarities. I spend more time wondering if whoever is teaching honestly believes what they are teaching or are just simply teaching because that's what they're supposed to do. I spend more time wondering why the heck I'm still here.

And the always wonderful Jeffrey R. Holland reminded me why we need to be united, why we need to work together, why we need to set our differences aside, why we need to look the similarities and not the differences.

Because we're all broken.

You're broken. I'm broken. Your friends are broken. Your family is broken. Everyone you know and everyone I know is broken. We have all been broken in various capacities in our lives. For some it's mental and physical disabilities. For others, it's something much more horrifying. But for many others, it's the simple heartaches, pains, and challenges that we associate with the journey of life. And if that's the only similiarity I see between me and the members of the church that I simply cannot stand, I have to embrace that.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is not a perfect Church. The gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ is. The Church is a gathering of those broken souls who find comfort in the light of Christ and need a fellowship to find this light in a world that is growing darker. It's a fellowship of the stubborn, the narcisstic, the rude, the cruel, the stupid, the clueless, the obscene, and the ruthless and it's a fellowship of people who want to change these qualities in their characters. As much as I struggle to find faith and trust in the people of this Church, I have to realize that they are struggling to find faith and trust in themselves. And it just might be that I'm the key to helping them achieve that. And it just might be that those people I can't stand are the key to helping me change into the best person I can be.

For those that know me well, I'm a pretty hard-hearted and stubborn person. I'm a very prideful and wary person. And changing is nearly impossible for me. Conference today showed me a problem that I never knew I had. As much as I love the Lord, as much as I love His Spirit and the peace it brings my life, I need the fellowship of the church as well, even if I think it just might kill me. I'm beyond grateful for the peace of this gospel and I hope one day I'll be grateful for the Church that tries to live by it again. Any advice how to get past this is much appreciated :)

The (Shipped) Gold Standard

Tomorrow is the celebration of one month of living in Salt Lake City. One month of being a student at the University of Utah. One month of living in a house. One month of hellish adventures and exasperating frustrations. One month of memorable adventures and exciting happiness. One month of gaining experience.

And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I learned about life in just 30 short days.

1. Life hates any plan that you design for yourself and will happily and enthusiastically destroy any part of it that it doesn't like 

If you had told me a year ago that in 2013, I would be attending my rival university, living in downtown Salt Lake with someone I barely knew, and be trying to figure out a relationship with a missionary, I would have laughed myself  into a coma. And then woke up and punched you in the face. I seriously can't tell you how polar opposite my life was last year. I was attending BYU, dating a guy I had been with for two years, living in a comfortable little dorm room with freshman as naive and terrified as I was, and expecting life to stay that way for a few years. But as we all witness and experience, everything can change in a matter of seconds. Roadblocks pop up, people disappear, new people appear, your lens of the world around you changes, and pretty soon you're taking a much different path then you anticipated. Life has been sweet and gentle enough (cough) to inform me that I'm an idiot and that I'm in much less control then I want to be. But that's part of your learning process. Learning flexibility, patience, and endurance. Learning how to cope, how to work independently, how to manage challenges that might arise. Learning who is important and what the big picture is. Learning how to be a functional individual in a world where rationality and common decency are quite rare. Learning how to be YOU and accepting that YOU have a place in the universe. I hope I get something right about the path I plan for myself but I'm glad to be learning.

Another thing I've learned about life is that there is no wrong plan, there is simply good, better, and best. It wasn't wrong of me to go to BYU even if I'm not there now. It wasn't wrong of me not to serve a mission, even if it's what was expected of me. There are no wrong paths because they are all paths of learning. They are all paths of shaping your character and they are all paths that lead to a better you in the future. Even though life forces you to backtrack, stumble, question, hesitate, and wander, there are no wrong answers to where you choose to go.

2. Setting goals goes a long way 

As I've just said above, life has a tendency to shove your plans back in your face. But I've found that setting goals has been a good way to fight back against that opposition. Or maybe just make me feel better about it. Ok, maybe it's just so that I feel more accomplished. BUT, it helps :) It's pretty hard to progress if you don't have an idea of where you want to progress to. Make goals for your education, make goals for aspects of your character you want to change, make goals for your physical and social well-being. Or maybe all three. Never settle for travelling along on a plateau, always try to climb to new heights.

3. Life is not meant to be lived in comfort zones 

In just this month alone, I've had more unique and new experiences then I ever did in the last year. I've been to three concerts, several dance parties, sat in the home section at a football game cheering on the rival team, used public transportation to get pretty much everywhere, shopped in a Walmart with a parking garage, attempted to go to a frat party ;), lived in a house with girls several years older than me, and the list goes on and on. And this year is turning out to be an AMAZING one! Honestly, I've been so much happier doing the unexpected and just taking life by the horns. Life isn't meant to be watched from the sidelines, it's meant to be played. Take opportunities that you wouldn't have taken otherwise. And if opportunities aren't coming, seek them out yourself.

4. Things are never the way they appear

A month ago, I was beyond excited to be moving into cute little house in the Avenues in Salt Lake. Like constant singing, random dancing, big cheesy smile excited. But it only two weeks for Andrea and I to realize that our castle in the city was more like a prison in hell. The kitchen faucet broke and  currently sprays water all over the kitchen when you turn it on. Box Elder bugs crawled in from every crack in the wall and I would have to vacuum dozens of them up every other night in the bedroom. During the first big rainstorm, the ceiling in the living room leaked and soaked the couch. The bathroom sink is clogged most of the time and the toilet takes about 5 minutes to recover after you flush it. Half the outlets in the house stopped working. The utilities company was kind enough to inform us that there is a major water leak in the house somewhere, most likely in the vacant room. My landlord goes out of his way to make sure he ignores us when we call to complain. My other roommate steals my food and dishes, walks around the house wearing next to nothing, leaves a mess wherever she goes, sends me a text to tell me something when I'm in the same room as her, and is the most uncooperative person I've ever had the misfortune to meet. When I moved in a month ago, I never would have guessed that in a matter of days Andrea and I would be apartment hunting and be ready to move out after less than 3 weeks of living there. Yet here we are. Always hope for the best and expect the worst. Life has a tendency to surprise you in the most unwelcome and inconvenient ways but sometimes it can be a welcome surprise. Either way, be optimistically cautious.  

5. Things don't happen when you sit and wish, they happen through action.

My whole entire experience in Salt Lake so far can be summed up by the word action. Moving in, starting school, realizing I was in trouble where I was living, job hunting, apartment hunting, signing new contracts, finding replacements, testing my patience, fighting with the landlord, setting myself to have my heart broken, trying to have some fun amongst the craziness. ACTION. And believe me, life wouldn't get done without all that action. Sitting and hoping my first week didn't work at all. Even though there have been plenty of times where I've screwed up this month with everything going on, the only thing I regret are the times that I stood by without trying to fix my situation. If you want something to change, YOU have to do it. Fate isn't going to do it for you anymore, other people won't do it for you, the only person that can make you progress in life is you. And believe me, you are more capable of making change then you could ever expect. Everyone is.

Now that you've pondered my sage advice or delusional ramblings (whichever, neither answers are wrong!), please enjoy this delightful music video.