Same Love

This post might be a little behind the times but better late than never right? Tomorrow is the last day of this term that the Supreme Court can rule out Prop 8, meaning tomorrow could be a historic day for the LGBT community. Of course, we wouldn't know that because the news is consumed with Edward Snowden, who did what I wish more people in the universe would do. But my opinions about whistleblowers are an entirely different matter and I'd prefer to get stoned for those opinions later..... Or never... Please? But for now, let's focus on the issue of gay marriage.

I support gay marriage. Or rather, I think the government shouldn't dictate what marriage is and make any form of marriage illegal. But let's just come back to reality where the government does have to get involved in everything.... Yes, I do support gay marriage. I believe that one person should not be denied happiness simply because their idea of happiness is something strange and foreign to others. How do we have any right to tell the LGBT community that they can't get married if nearly half of all "normal" marriages end in divorce? Sounds like we don't have any clue what we're doing either right?

Now to the LDS members that are currently putting a copy of The Proclamation to the World in an envelope and furiously scribbling my address on the front, let me say that I agree with all my heart that families were designed of eternal and divine order, with one man and one woman working together to raise a family. That being said, I know the Lord is over all things. I believe he can fix anything and put ANYTHING back to its most perfect form in the end. There's a lot that I don't know about this issue and I'm mature enough to admit I'm not all-knowing. I don't know why God creates people with different preferences, yet our church doesn't allow homosexual BEHAVIOR (not people) in the church. And guess what? That's not something any of us need to worry about. Because He's freaking GOD!!! And he has a much better idea of how to run a universe then we do. If God decides later that the church will accept the LGBT lifestyle into the church, then awesome. If God decides that it's still not ok, then he will deal with those that have engaged in that lifestyle in the most loving and merciful way that God decides to handle it. I refuse to believe that God would create people that he would hate for all of their existences. I refuse to believe that God would create people with the intention of forbidding them to be happy. That's not the type of God I believe in. I believe that if an LGBT person decides that he wants to go forward with this different lifestyle and that he honestly feels that this decision is right for him, God will be right there full of support and love.

I hope this posts makes sense to you. I want you to know that I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true and I know that without a doubt. In knowing that, I also know that I am entitled to agency and the ability to have my own opinion and voice. I don't quite see eye to eye on this doctrine of the church because I believe the LGBT community shouldn't be sentenced to a life of misery and unhappiness if they want to be part of this church. I do believe that the family is ordained of God and I love my own family with everything that I am. I just know that this world may not be perfect now but God can make it perfect in a way that will make everyone happy. I don't know how he's going to but I know it will blow our minds when it happens. For now, I believe no one should be stopped in their pursuit of true happiness. I support gay marriage.

I now give you permission to come stand in front of my window with your knives and pitchforks. Or some self-help pamphlets. Cookies would be nice too but hey, this is your party. What I do ask is that if you're going to be hateful, go post it somewhere else where I'm not going to see it.

Thanks lovelies! Loving and intelligent opinions are welcome.

Round and Round, I Won't Run Away This Time, If You Show Me What This Life Is For

So there's been a lot of stories on news sites lately comparing Superman to Christ (Just one example). Some Christian churches are even being asked to reference these similarities by movie marketers. (Can we all just take a minute to admire how superbly high tech I am? I posted links to other websites in my blog! Fancy! ;) ) This is my take on that because I did notice some kind of spiritual message about the Man of Steel.

While I can see the similarities from Superman to Christ, I'd like to think of Christ as a little more perfect than that. Yes, Superman was played by Henry Cavill, who looks like his face was sculpted by angels and his flawless frame may have made my brain go a little fuzzy when he took his shirt off ;) BUT I'd like to think that Superman represents us as individuals. In the movie, Clark talks to his father that raises him on Earth, questioning if he came from God or somebody else. His father says that he knew Clark had a father out there somewhere and sent Clark to Earth for a great purpose. He says "I have to believe that you were sent here for a reason. And even if it takes the rest of your life, you owe it to yourself to find out what that reason is."

I don't think I have to talk about a father from an outside universe that sent us to Earth and compare that to our own lives. I'm pretty sure you know where I would go with that ;) But Clark's father says we have to find out the reason we were sent to Earth by this father. If you ask any typical Primary kid why we were sent to earth, he would probably spit out an answer memorized word for word from the teaching manual. Something along the lines of to become like God and to get a body. But wouldn't you think you could do that anywhere in the world and at anytime in the history of the world? Couldn't you learn how to be a god as a caveman building fires just as much as a truck driver in the 21st century? Does it really matter when or how we gain this knowledge? To Clark's father it is. In fact, it truly makes a huge difference.

This is a pretty pivotal moment in my life, the time when wondering what your purpose is is really affecting your every decision. Is it really my purpose in life to become an auditor? Is it really my purpose in life to spend half of my life folding stacks of clothes at the Gap only to have them obliterated in a matter of seconds by overexcited women or stupid little boys? Is it really my purpose in life to be the girlfriend to a missionary, someone who I only hear from twice a week and I won't see for two years? Sometimes it's deeper questions than that. Is it really my purpose to be an example to three little brothers when I'm so far from perfect myself? Is it really my purpose to have broken a best friend's heart and break me into pieces along the way? Is it really my purpose to live in a time so full of challenges and temptations when I am such a weak individual myself?  Fortunately and unfortunately, it is. I really do have a lot of purposes in life, whether it's for building others and myself up or breaking others and myself down. And I'll discover plenty more purposes in life as the days and years go by. I don't necessarily owe it to myself to discover these reasons but I do owe it to the father that thought it was necessary to send me to this exact place at this exact time with these specific people. Because he apparently knows I need to be here for something. The crazy thing is in the grand scheme of things, all of these purposes are for the best. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? No matter what your purpose is, no matter if it's detrimental or beneficial, it shapes and molds yourself and others into the person you were designed to become. That is the beautiful reason of our existence: To shape ourselves into perfect people through the little purposes of other people and different experiences.

So go see this freaking movie!! It was fantastically written, Henry Cavill is a hottie, and it's just plain outstanding :) Look out for your purposes and make sure you fulfill them to the best of your abilities. Happy Tuesday darlings!

It's A Bittersweet Symphony, That's Life

I don't really know why I'm blogging today. Honestly, I think it's just because I'm really stressed out. It's apartment hunting season and it's had me panicking beyond description. Last night I had a dream that I had to share an apartment with a guy that slept in the nude except for his fake Gandalf beard and who frequently role-played Lord of the Rings in the kitchen. The night before it a serial thief who looked oddly like Tina Fey. During my powernap today it was my ex's family who made me work three jobs to support their extravagant lifestyle. Needless to say, I'm not excited to go to sleep tonight... Maybe I'll get lucky and my roommate will be Channing Tatum.

Anyway, today's post is going to be about something rather strange. My family and I recently started watching a show called Polygamy USA, which follows a few polygamist families and their lifestyle surrounding the FLDS religion and plural marriage. It is beyond fascinating and I highly recommend it to anyone with even a slight interest in the FLDS church. The people come from a community that left or were kicked out of Warren Jeff's community and went to go seek refuge to practice the FLDS religion before it was corrupted by Warren Jeff.

Needless to say, the Fundamentalists lifestyle is beyond strange to us in this day and age. When I lived in Seattle, I would get asked more frequently then you'd expect how many children I am going to have or how many other wives my husband is going to have. One confused little soul even asked how many husbands I was going to have... Point being that their lifestyle is something that even disgusts some people. One of the woman followed in the show is the first wife to a school teacher who has three wives total and has 18 children. The first wife stays at home to care for 9 children all under the age of 5 while the two other wives and the husband are at work and the other 9 children attend school. I'm sure you could imagine the troubles and stress this would cause on a person but despite all her hardships, this wife said she was incredibly happy. She was happy that she was raising a family so large because she felt that it was her mission in life and her way to thank her Heavenly Father for everything He had done for. She endured so many trials and lived this restrictive lifestyle all because it made her happy.

As you could tell a little bit from the beginning of the post and previous posts, life isn't exactly in the place I want it to be right now. In fact, I've discovered in these past few weeks that I recognize I'm not very happy. Working two jobs in which you realize the intelligence of man is incredibly low is fairly challenging. Changing universities and trying to figure out how to move your whole life to fit a new location is quite complicated. Being in a town where my biggest fear is that I'll run into someone I know (sad but very much true, Lehi and I have a tough relationship) is frustrating. Being constantly alone because all the people you call friends are scattered across the country in various capacities is disheartening. In thinking about my attitude towards this situation, it's come to the point where I don't feel being happy right now is very important because it'll all be ok when school's over, when settling into a career is over, when my hunt for somebody to love forever is over. In other words, only when life gets slightly less complicated will it be acceptable to want happiness.

I'd hate to think I feel happiness is just an occasional event, like going out to a fancy restaurant or spending the day in a theme park. But sometimes I, and hopefully others, see life this way. Just a roller coaster with ups and downs, only in this roller coaster, a time where it's acceptable to be happy is the high and the times where it isn't acceptable is a low.

This is a particularly hard roller coaster to get off of, especially when you're in the low parts watching the other cars on the ride doing corkscrews hundreds of feet in the air just a little further down the track. But it's truly ok to be happy. It's ok to dance in the rain. It's ok to still smile at people even if you can't decide whether to punch them in the face or curl into a ball and die. We're in the pursuit of happiness, meaning that we aren't always 100% happy, but we're trying to obtain it. We can ride the roller coaster happily because we know at some point, we'll climb higher and be doing corkscrews in the sky. And even if there's a steep drop to the bottom again, we can be happy knowing the coaster will do another round and we'll be soaring again soon. Clear the tracks of anything in your life that is causing you unnecessary happiness and ride on.

Please enjoy this video of the Backstreet Boys doing the Harlem Shake <3 Happy Sunday and enjoy the ride on your roller coaster!

What Is Love? Baby Don't Hurt Me No More

I have the tendency to live life only in the future. Ever since I graduated high school, every decision I make, even the stupid day-to-day decisions, are geared towards the next day or the next year in my life. For example, this morning I woke up planning out how every hour of my day tomorrow was going to go and how that was going to help Sunday go by smoothly. I live through this summer preparing  for the fall when I start school again with no thought to what else I will be doing the next three months besides saving money. I don't like to live in the present, it seems like a waste to me. I'm always a day, a month, a year, a decade ahead of myself. So that explains this post in the first place ;)

Yesterday I read this blog post that a Facebook friend posted.
http://crossshapedstuff.com/2013/06/04/how-i-know-my-wife-married-the-wrong-person/

I'll just sum up what it said if you don't want to read it. The blogger was talking about how his wife had married the "wrong" person because there isn't one superhuman person designed to fit her every wish and requirement. It described how society as planted the idea in our head that marriage will only work when it's with your "soulmate," your “smoking-hot, high-class, filthy rich, love-at-first-sight, sexually compatible, accept-me-as-I-am, Titanic-Notebook-Sweet-Home-Alabama-Twilight-esque, soul mate.”

I've been thinking a lot about this idea over the past day. I'd like to think that I don't believe that there is one person in the whole universe that is meant for me, that's the exact reciprocal of me, that completes me in every facet of my being. But I think deep down I really do believe it. Society really has brainwashed me into believing in this unattainable version of love and relationships. I really do believe that there is a superhuman person out there that is absolutely EVERYTHING I could ever hope for and that every single desire I will ever have in life will be fulfilled by this person. All I have to do is find him.

It's stupid that I'm using this as an example, but it illustrates my point. Let's look at Jim and Pam from the show The Office. They seem like they were created for each other, like their only purpose in life was to complete each other. They're never as happy with others as they are with each other. They are the perfect partners in crime and they truly are the best of friends. You can apply this to countless fictional couples: Noah and Allie from the Notebook, Romeo and Juliet, Daisy and Gatsby, Edward and Bella, just to name a few. They all have their soulmates, the person that was designed for them. If you look at the Great Gatsby, Daisy's true "soulmate" was Gatsby and when she choose to live her life with her husband instead, she never reached that same level of happiness as with Gatsby.

It's interesting that I still believe in this version of love, even though I have countless real-life examples of marriage and relationships all around me. With my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, family acquaintances, you know that they have troubles and that they aren't perfect. You know that they don't fully connect with each other in every aspect of a relationship yet they still sail on. So why is that we see this type of love right in front of our eyes, yet choose to believe in the flawless Hollywood love?

On the surface, I totally agree with the blog post in that there isn't one person created especially for you, that successful marriage and true love is more work than the world believes. But how do you un-brainwash yourself from this framework of mind? How do I move past the fear that I'm not going to find my Gatbsy and I'll choose someone much lower than I expect? How do you accept that no one is perfect for you and that no matter who you choose, you have to strive towards perfection one day at a time?

Usually I end my posts with an answer but on this topic, I got nothing. Just something to think about and I hope I can get some thoughts from people who have it figured out better than I do. Any and all ideas are welcome!

And just in case you forgot this video existed, here you go! Happy Friday lovelies!

In The Pursuit of Happyness

Today's blog post comes from the outstanding movie Pursuit of Happyness, which did in fact make me cry for 3/4 of the movie. The one little part of the movie I got to watch on my break at work was after Will Smith gets his internship position and he's walking with his son to sell the bone density scanners. His son turns to his dad and says "There was a man who was drowning, and a boat came, and the man on the boat said "Do you need help?" and the man said "God will save me". Then another boat came and he tried to help him, but he said "God will save me", then he drowned and went to Heaven. Then the man told God, "God, why didn't you save me?" and God said "I sent you two boats, you dummy!" That quote is blown over pretty quickly in the movie but it's actually pretty significant. And it really stood out to me. Has God sent me boats while I've been refusing to climb aboard?

This is kind of embarrassing to admit but I've been pretty angry with the world lately. Sometimes I feel like that man who is drowning and begging for a sign, a savior. But what I haven't realized is that I'm not begging for just any savior, I'm begging for the savior I want. The guy in the story probably wanted God to drop out of heaven and pick him right off the waves. I don't necessarily wanted to be picked up out of my problems (but if you're offering, heck freaking yes!). But I have my own expectations for what I want as my saving grace. And it's definitely not something as simple and unglamorous as a boat.

That quote got me thinking, what if there are boats sailing by that are sent from God and I keep refusing that help? What if I feel like I'm drowning because I'm too prideful to accept help from the best source out there, simply because it's not in the form I want it to be? God gives me the boats I need, not the cruise ships I want. Sitting here typing, I can already think of many boats I've let sail past with climbing aboard. My family, my close friends, my boyfriend, and that's just the beginning. Sure, I might have held on the rims of the boat for a little while but I end up loosening my grip and falling back into the depths.


Take some time to look out for those boats that might be able to save you when you're in trouble. And beyond that, take some time to actually climb on and stop unnecessarily in the ocean we call life. Hop on the boat and enjoy the beauty of the world from the safety of the saviors God knows you might not want, but so desperately need.


Please enjoy this outstanding song about the woes of an obsessed stalker and have a lovely weekend :)

Mission.... Impossible?

Today was stake conference for my ward and the overarching theme was missions. It was a really hard meeting to sit through. Not that stake conferences are easy to sit through under any circumstances but this one was especially difficult. As each individual got up to teach about the importance of missions, I sat in my chair pretty hurt and alone. After countless prayers and seeking personal revelation, I have decided not to go on a mission. It has never felt right for me to go and even as I type this out, I feel that same emptiness that came at the end of every prayer asking the Lord if I'm supposed to go. As time goes on, the answer no seems to get louder and more stern as I desperately begged for the answer to be yes.

This week, two of my closest friends told me that they are about to get started on mission papers. As excited  as I was for them (and I was absolutely beyond excited!), I was a little heart-broken. Why were these girls commanded to go on missions and I wasn't? Why wasn't I allowed to feel this same type of joy associated with preaching His gospel night and day? What had I done to be pushed down to the lowest rung of the ladder? Was I not a good enough person in the Lord's eyes? Could I not be trusted with teaching others? Was I too weak of an individual? There was one doubt after another and I was forced to conclude I wasn't good enough to be a representative of this church to the world.

As I was sitting in this meeting today, I remembered something my boyfriend had told me before leaving for his mission. We started dating only a month before he left on his mission and people really questioned my judgment on that decision. There were some times when I questioned it myself but I felt in my heart that it was the right thing to do. Dom told me before he left that no matter what happens in the future, he would be very grateful we dated before he left on his mission because he needed my encouragement and strength to help him stay on the right path to his mission. The significance of what he said didn't fully strike me until today as I was listening to the speakers and feeling sorry for myself. Maybe my mission wasn't to go out in the world and teach others directly. Maybe I was supposed to be behind the scenes and strengthening the missionaries so they could do that job.

When I first moved to Utah, I was called to some calling in the Laurels presidency (you can tell how passionate I was about it). The second counselor was setting me apart and I remembered he said something that I thought was beyond strange at the time of the blessing. He blessed me that I would strengthen the young men in my ward and in my life and help them want to serve missions in the future. Being a newbie in the ward, I was horrified that he had said that. What kind of responsibility is that?!?!?!?!?! Persuading people I barely knew to give up two years of their lives to teach the gospel? But as I reflected back on that experience, I realized that being a strength to others was MY mission to fulfill. Maybe I wouldn't even see how my actions affected others, but I was supposed to be an example at all times so that they would see Christ in their lives.

This never was the mission I expected for myself. I'm not going to be wearing a name tag or speaking in tongues in a foreign country. I'm not going to eat strange foods or share my testimony to strangers on the side of the road. I won't be biking 10 miles today (like I would do that ever of my own free will) or memorizing scripture passages. But I will be an instrument in the Lord's hand in the way that He thinks will be most effective, which is just as important as being a missionary. Maybe my mission will even change in the future and I will be able to serve a full-time missionary. But for now I'm supposed to focus on being a full-time example of Christ and encourage others to dedicate their talents to the Lord.

For those that are questioning a mission too, be open to the possibility that the Lord may have a different mission for you. One girl in my ward said that she wasn't meant to serve in the mission field but was meant to serve in family history and preparing her family names for temple work. The Lord will always take your fullest potential to the next level and perform miracles with it. Stay willing and stay worthy to be that instrument in his hands.

For your enjoyment, please waste your life away trying to find a song Spiderman can't dance to. It's a challenge that you'll actually enjoy doing :) Happy Sunday!

Boats Against the Current

Well week one of my summer is complete! And for a vacation week, it certainly wasn't an easy, relaxing, or fun one. Between juggling my two jobs (including one that I just started this week), wrapping up school, and trying to adjust to life back in this terrible town of Lehi, it hardly feels like a break. Just a transition from one medium of life into the next.

With the upcoming Great Gatsby movie (so freaking excited for it!!!), I was browsing Pinterest for Great Gatsby stuff while I was getting ready in the morning. I found my favorite quote from the book which is actually the last sentence of the entire novel. It says "So we beat on, boats against the current, bourne back ceaselessly into the past." If you've read the book before, you'll know how flawless this last sentence is. It's my favorite ending to any book I've read. For those that haven't read The Great Gatsby (shame on you), this quote explains one of the themes of this novel. That we as humans try to push forward in life but constantly find ourselves pushing instead toward the past.

This thought has consumed my mind for the past week. Being back in Lehi is extremely hard for me. Nearly nine months ago, I left Lehi very happy with where my life was at that point. Over the course of the school year at BYU, most of those happy memories and aspects of life were tarnished. Coming back to Lehi is like walking through a ghost town for me, you can still see buildings and places that you remember from the past. You may even have solid memories of those locations. But your feelings and emotions about those memories are as empty as the buildings themselves. In some ways I feel like I'm being pushed back into the past, that all the progress I've made as an individual is somehow lost in the pain of being "home." It's really hard to tell what home really is anymore. Can you really call the town that makes you miserable home?

I think what I'm starting to learn though is that the past is the driving factor in pushing our boat along the river.  We can choose to let the power of the past push us forward, to propel us to brighter futures and calmer waters or we can choose to let that power try to push us upstream from where we already came, where we already know the waters are rough and difficult to pass through. I love what F. Scott Fitzgerald says because it's true, no matter how hard we try to progress in life, we always find ourselves wandering back upstream. I like to think that I have control over which direction I let the past take me. And in a way, I truly do. But there will always be the little things in the river that might cause me to want to turn back. Maybe there are rougher waters ahead. Maybe the water up head seems more treacherous than the waters I just sailed through. If I've learned one thing over the course of this week, it's that pushing against the current back to the past is never productive and will never make you happy. The past is much better suited to propel you forward than backwards.

I hope I get my boat turned around soon. The river downstream looks pretty ridiculous from where I'm standing and maybe it's true that the waters behind me were calmer in some ways than the waters ahead of me. But I know that somewhere down the river, there will be calmer and more beautiful waters. I like to imagine it like that part in the Little Mermaid when Eric and Ariel are rowing along peaceful waters while fishes and birds are serenading me (this is my river, I can dream what I want!). But I won't get to the singing fish till I brave the waterfalls and currents that lay before me now.

And as I step off my soapbox, please enjoy this hysterical youtube video that demonstrates the many eating habits of the animal kingdom

And this is one of my favorite songs of the week. Take notes, I married Macklemore in my dreams last night!!(that was quite the dream, I'll tell you that).

And before I sign off for the night, I want to thank you all for reading my blog. It's been astounding how many people have told me they read and actually enjoy reading my blog! Thanks for all the kind remarks and  thanks to the readers who casually stop by to read. Evening ladies and gents!