Welcome to the Heist

Sorry for the very long silence in blog posts. I'm sure your lives are just absolutely shattered and that you can't go on any further. Here I am to save the day!! ;)

My inspiration for today's post comes from a rather strange source: Seattle rapper Macklemore. Whom I love to pieces. Seriously, I have never remotely loved rap before but Macklemore just might convert me. If you're wondering who this divine creature is, he is the artist behind the always delightful Thrift Shop song :) ANYWAYS, I was listening to our dear friend Macklemore while I was doing the dishes today and his song "Same Love" came on. Macklemore is a huge supporter of legalizing gay marriage and this was what the song was about. One of the lyrics in this song is "Here we go, America the brave, still fears what we don't know." Now I'm not going to talk about my stance on gay marriage because that's not what I want you to walk away from this post with. But these lyrics really stood out to me for some reason and it got me thinking: Is it a bad thing to fear what you don't know?

I recently decided to transfer out of BYU next fall. I am immensely grateful for the time that I spent at this school and I will always remember the experiences I had here. However, I've reached the decision that I need to go have other experiences at a different school and leave BYU behind. Since I've made this decision, it feels like nothing in life is stable. Everything in my life, from my job and my living situation to my future education plans,  has to change in just a few short months and I'm left in murky waters. I don't know A LOT of things at this point.

To answer the question then I would say it's not a bad thing to fear what you don't know. Just as the United States as a nation is unsure of gay marriage, I am unsure of where life is taking me in the next few years. The problem with fearing what you don't know is when that fear clouds your perceptions of the world. In the issue of gay marriage, perceptions are clouded when people take the opportunity to spread hate and violence across the nation directed at those that are gay. In my situation, my perceptions are clouded when I fail to understand why going to school is even important anymore.

Don't be afraid of fear. A good dosage of fear is healthy and keeps you alert, productive, and responsible. It helps you make informed decisions and helps steer you away from things that can be harmful. However, don't let fear shape how you see the world. In the wise words of Master Yoda, “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.” (Sorry the opportunity was much too perfect). Everything's going to be ok ladies and gents!! Even if it nothing seems to be working right now, everything will be put in its proper order if it is meant to be.



For your pleasure, please enjoy listening to the greatest 80s song in history. Stamp of approval from yours truly and my roommate Catherine.

Also enjoy this video of a guy smashing gallons of milk and juice on the ground. And have a lovely day. 

Monsters

Last night I saw Phantom of the Opera at BYU with my family and it was AMAZING!! I was totally blown away by it, they did such a great job! Something about that movie always leaves me confused and unsettled though. I realized last night that it's because you're not entirely sure who you're supposed to feel sorry for. For most of the play, you feel sorry for Christine because she is being tormented by the monstrous Phantom. It isn't until the very end when the Phantom is left alone in his lair with his agony that you feel sorry for him. As I was leaving the theater thinking about this, a quote that I'm sure has plagued all of your Facebook feeds came to my mind: "We stopped checking for monsters under our beds when we realized they were inside of us."

Who's really the monster in the story? Is it the Phantom, who murdered several people and terrorizes Parisian opera goers? Is it Christine who deserted a guide and a friend that desperately loved her? Is it society, who deemed the Phantom unworthy of love? I reached the conclusion that it's a chain of events. Society turned an innocent yet deformed boy into a heartless monster that spent his life in pursuit of revenge. The Phantom turned Christine into a hopeless monster that turned away from a teacher that loved her for an airhead best friend. We all create monsters of men and other men create monsters of ourselves. It makes you think how this relates to our time. Who turned the man who shot twenty children and six teachers in an elementary school into a monster? Who turned the terrorist who organized the most deadly attack on the United States into a monster? Who turned the school bully that inflicts terror on children his own age into a monster?

I can't really end this thought with a call to action. I've turned men into monsters myself and I know that I have a long life ahead of me to continue to do that. I know that we've all been turned into monsters to some degree by someone else and I know that we've all continued that chain of events ourselves. Just as I'm sure the people of Paris that went to a street fair to laugh at a disfigured boy didn't realize that their mocking words and laughs would create a monster that would torture them, we don't realize how our words and actions change others. Be mindful, be cautious, be kind.

Sorry if I totally ruined your day. Please enjoy this video of a girl dancing to boost your spirits again.

My AA Meeting: Agency and Accountability

No I didn't really go to an AA meeting. But in a way, it sort of was. I had a meeting with my best friend Agency and my formidable enemy Accountability and had a confrontation that made me face the problems I've been trying to hide.

Agency is just fine and dandy. He always lets me do whatever I want without comment. He's that awesome babysitter that sits on the couch and stays glued to Kyle XY while you jump on the chairs, drink milk out of the carton, and tease your brothers til they cry. He's that parent that shrugs their shoulders and says "I don't care" to whatever you ask. He lets you try your strength to infinity and beyond without stopping you.

Then there was Accountability. That guy's just a brat. He's the babysitter that makes you take walks and learn about plants instead of playing. He's that parent that crosses their arms in front of their chest and shakes their finger at you for every deed you do. Judgment, Punishment, Agony, Anger.

Our decisions always come back to us at some point, no matter how far we try to run. Sometimes it runs up from behind and gives you the biggest hug you could ask for. Sometimes it runs up from behind and gives you the biggest slap in the face you could ask for. Regardless of what treatment our good friend Consequence decided to present us with, he never fails to greet us with something. And unfortunately, we never know how Consequence is going to greet us. But the one thing that we can always count on is that he'll be there.

Wouldn't it be better to greet Consequence first? To never have our back to him, to never ignore him, to always welcome him? If he's going to visit every time we make a decision, wouldn't it be better to be on alert? Sadly, that's not the way most of us work. We try to sprint in the other direction, we try to hide behind something else, we try to pretend we're someone else. But Consequence will always find you, no matter the distance, no matter the time, no matter the disguise.

Accept that Consequence is always going to come. This week, I was slapped in the face by Consequence and he slapped FREAKING HARD because I hid for so long. This week I was also hugged by, danced with, laughed with, and smiled at by Consequence. Welcome Consequence, not necessarily with open arms, but with responsibility, courage, determination, and a new hope for the future.

Love, peace, and pizza grease
Caylin

I'll Be Home For Christmas: The Story of Christmas Miracles

I can't freaking believe Christmas Break is already almost over!! As I look back on it, I was truly blessed this holiday season. Pretty much everything possible happened: heart-stopping advice that crushed my dreams for the future, heart-stopping promises in a blessing that fueled my dreams, Christmas miracles that changed the lives of dozens of people, Christmas miracles that ended relationships on a comfortable note, seeing dear friends near in Lehi, seeing dear friends far in Monroe, closing doors and opening new ones. Oh, and some good old fashioned romance ;) Oh, and I fell in love with David Bowie. True story. All in all, it was a truly rewarding break, one that I will always treasure and remember.

I can't go through this post without posting about the Christmas miracle of my friend Sam's baptism. Sam and I have been friends since the awkward days of sixth grade when I had an afro and it was cool to play the flute (ha...ha...ha). She didn't find out I was a member until much later when I introduced her to the "cool Mormon kids" and we took her to a stake dance. Stake dances led to youth conferences which led to church and firesides and I was really excited for where the future would take her. Unfortunately, her parents didn't want her to be baptized and I moved away from Seattle wondering if that was the end of the road. Sam is truly one of the strongest people I know though. She continued to attend church and church activities (with three different wards nonetheless) and her parents finally gave her permission to be baptized two and a half years later. Her baptism was one of the most incredible experiences of my life, I am truly overjoyed that Sam now has the companionship of the Holy Ghost in her life. I am so proud of her for becoming a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and I know that she will forever be richly blessed for her decisions.

One of the most amazing aspects of this story is how simply it all started: An awkward stake dance where my insane group of friends was usually the only people dancing. Yet it was the example and spirit that each individual of the church had on Sam that brought her to the gospel. Never ever ever doubt your worth and your impact on the universe. I never thought when I was 14 years old that bringing Sam to the dances would bring anything more than hilarious stories of guys that we danced with (stories that we still giggle hysterically about to this day =D) but it ended up being the door to something wonderful. It really is by the small and simple things that great things happen.

I'm sorry if you were looking for something witty and hilarious in this post. Sadly, I don't have much to post about in that department. But hey, here's a funny thing: I went to the mall last night and as I was stopped at a red light, I saw this old man standing on the sidewalk. As I looked more closely at him, I almost died at the realization that this guy had a tampon sticking out of his nose. Picture that scene in She's The Man with Channing Tatum (drool) and the tampon in his nose when he had that nosebleed. Then replace Mr. Sexy Pants with your grandpa and you've got the image I saw. Apparently the light had turned green as I stared at this man because he gave me the biggest smile you've ever seen and pointed exuberantly at the light, tampon still firmly in his nostril. I was still giggling like a little girl for about five minutes after this happened. You know you have a sad life if that was the best part of your day =D Hopefully that satisfied your needs for cleverness enough!!

Have a lovely weekend!!

Revelations

My revelation of the week was pretty spectacular. It's about a subject people usually assume there's only on answer for: being a quitter. Most people say "Quitters never win and winners never quit" but I realized last night that this isn't the case. I was tossing and turning, having nightmares about running the cash register at work (don't ask questions you don't want to know the answers to), when finally I gave up and began to ponder the deepest questions of life like any genius in the middle of the night. I was really angry about something and was ranting to myself in my head, having the same argument I've had for months. It was about a situation where one side of me wanted to keep fighting because I felt I shouldn't give up on it while the other side of me was screaming to give up and keep moving. As I lay in bed with my angry conscience, I suddenly stopped in my thoughts and thought "Wait a minute, I'm mad about this! Like freaking furiously mad! Like I don't even care about it mad!" Why should I ever keep pressing forward with something that brings me so much anger? Why does it matter if I'm a quitter? It's possible to be a quitter for better reasons than being a fighter! As I pondered this, my conscience did a happy dance, then my moment of genius thinking was gone and I fell straight to sleep. Well, it was fun being smart for a little while.

Anyways, I learned that it really is ok to be a quitter sometimes. When I was in middle school, I fought so hard to keep a friendship together that I had had since the beginnings of elementary school, even though I knew deep down that this friendship was destroying who I was. But how could I give up on something? Isn't it bad to give up on someone that you believed in and cared about for so long? Aren't I a horrible person? It turns out it wasn't wrong to quit. I didn't quit on something because I was a heartless human being with no ambition. I quit something because I knew it was holding me back from fighting for other things. In this case, I would have ended up quite a messed up person if I hadn't decided to be a quitter. It's been the same with other things that I've quit in the past: marching band, tennis team, that freaking awful job at the BYU cafeteria, working out (ha). I didn't quit those things because I was lazy or too weak (well, maybe exercising...). I quit those things because they stood in the way of what things I was supposed to be focusing myself on and who I was supposed to become.

So it's ok to be a quitter!! In a way, you aren't really quitting anything, just moving on to the next page in life. Now don't go away from this page, striving to give up on important things, like your family, school, or showering (please freaking NO). Every person has things that they really do need to give up on in their lives and don't be afraid to =)

Missionaries Farewells, Ruining the Lives of Children, and Revelations

I'm finally home!!!!! There truly is no place like home. Even if the thing to greet me home was a trip to the emergency room for Ansel and spending part of the weekend in and out of the hospital, I'm so glad to be with my family again. Ansel's home from the hospital which makes things even more wonderful =) MaybeI should just drop out of school.....

So Sunday was the missionary farewell of one of my friends Nic Jones,who is leaving this morning for the MTC. His talk was outstanding, laced with Star Trek and Psych references (hilarious) but what most stood out to me was the power with which he spoke. He knew without a doubt that what he said was true and that was something that he had found out for himself. I really hope that my sons can be like that one day. To  speak with so much power that an entire audience can feel it and see it on his face. I sincerely desire that it will be about his testimony of Christ but if not, I hope my sons can stand for something they believe in like Nic. If it's Catholicism, Atheism, or if the only thing he believes is that he is an extra-terrestial goat herder on a distant plant trapped on earth, I hope that they stand behind that belief at any cost.

Last night I went to Lehi High Schools' Ballroom Concert (go Lehi!!), which was awesome. Before the concert, I was talking to my friends Kess and Brenner about life when Brenner, a former employee at Wendys, said, "Do you want to know how they make the food at Wendys?" Here's where that conversation went....

Caylin: They probably have a cow pen out in back right?
Brenner: Yep. They just go in the back and hack off a piece whenever they get an order.
Kess: Oh, that's good. I got a chicken sandwich today instead
Caylin: So they chop off a chicken's head instead!
Brenner: Yep, we have a chicken coop as well!

Apparently we weren't alone in our conversation because when we faced the front again, a little girl no more than five was staring at us with the most horrified expression of my life. She looked like she couldn't tell if she should burst into tears or throw up the last Kids Meal she ate. Yes darling, your McDonalds happy meal comes from cows and chickens, not plastic (to some degree). I have a feeling her mother wanted to kill us last night for destroying her daughter's innocence, but hey, it's a crime to not tell her.

I'll post the revelation section later, it's pretty fantastic stuff. Happy Wednesday people!!

A Year In Review: The Time I Bawled All Over My Laptop Instead of Studying Accounting

I just looked at my Facebook Year in Review and it literally made me burst into tears. There has never been a year quite like this one and in some ways I'm very glad it's over. This year, I met incredibly important people and I lost incredibly important people too. I had the best day of my life and the absolute worst day of my life. Some days I danced through life, feeling so happy to be alive and other days I wished a bolt of lightning would just destroy me. Some times I was successful beyond imagination, other times I would have given anything for a second chance. It was the best of times and it was the worst of times and finally we're at the end of it.

As I looked back on the events of this year, I realized how truly grateful I was for the divine intervention in my life. As Ammon in the Book of Mormon said "I will not boast of myself but I will boast of my God." It really was that divine intervention that has gotten me through every moment of this year and every year I will ever experience. I'm really grateful that someone is keeping an eye on me right now because freak yes, I need it!

I'm looking forward to starting fresh next year. I don't know where I will be then at all. I don't know if I'll be at BYU after winter semester. I don't know if I'm still going to study accounting. I don't know if I'll be married with octuplets or if I'm going to be a crazy cat lady who lives by herself all her life (definitely leaning toward the crazy cat lady...). However, I'm glad to know that whatever happens, there will always be that divine intervention in place, ready to stop me from going along with my crazy schemes.

Love, peace, and pizza grease!! Oh, and Merry Christmas too =)