Starlight

I've had a really hard time talking these past few days. I'm hoping writing will release some baggage.

I don't understand a lot of things. I don't understand why I have to keep being brought to this point. I don't understand why I need this lesson over and over again. I don't understand why I have to be broken again and again in the exact same place.

I don't understand why you think I'm invincible.

I think I've done an absolute fabulous job of proving I'm incompetent in these aspects of life. I think I've made it clear that I can't handle this anymore. I think I've exceeded all expectations in the category of screwing myself over.

I think I've done this enough times.

I don't want to be a pawn anymore. I don't want to be used. I don't want to be the end of a joke.

I don't want to be a player in this game.

Let me know when I'm considered worthy enough to understand the purpose behind it all. Let me know when I'm considered smart enough to see the bigger picture. Let me know when I'm considered good enough to have some questions answered.

I'm anxious for it

Needing/Getting

There ain't much that's dumber, there ain't much that's dumber then pinning your hopes on a change in another.

How dumb am I.

I wish I spent less of my life hoping a change in one thing will bring about changes in other things. I wish I spent less of my life hoping an answer will present itself. I wish I spent less of my life hoping my happiness is safe with fickle events and fickle people.

I wish I spent less of my life hoping instead of doing.

I don't need this to happen for me to be happy. I don't need a good job to be happy. I don't need a degree to be happy. I don't need to be more successful than them to be happy. I don't need to be prettier to be happy. I don't need a shiny ring on my finger to be happy. I don't need a missionary badge on my chest to be happy. I don't need to be superior to be happy.

I don't need you to be happy.

I am the only one in charge of my happiness. I won't let you, or him, or her take away that power. I won't let this moment or this hour or this day or this year take away that power. I won't let myself give away that power.

Needing is one thing and getting's another.

To Ordain or Not To Ordain

My Thoughts on the Ordain Women Chaos

I guess the main thing I want to focus on is my feelings on women having the Priesthood. Yep, we'll start there. But first, a story.

My brother Zac just recently graduated from high school and is a priest in our ward. A couple months ago, I was home for the weekend and I went to my home ward for church that Sunday. I walked in a little bit late and quickly dashed into the chapel and did the awkward scan of the congregation from the door as everyone watched me. I spotted just my mom and Ansel sitting together alone in a row. Well, that was normal. Dad was out of town, Alex was passing the sacrament, and Zac was likely still sleeping at home. Imagine my surprise as I sat down next to Ansel, set down my purse and looked up to the front of the chapel to see Zac sitting at the sacrament table with the other priests. Um, what? When I left for school, Zac hadn't been to church in weeks and it had only been by extreme force. But here he was about to bless the sacrament for the entire congregation. I leaned over to my mom and asked why Zac was up at the table and she said it was his first Sunday ever blessing the sacrament. It was a very special experience seeing Zac uphold his Priesthood that day. And every time I see him since that Sunday, he is happier, he is more kind to others, and he is more dedicated to serving others.

Another story.

My brother Alex is thirteen and is in the Deacon presidency of his quorum (I probably totally botched that terminology up, my apologies). It turns out that the job requires A LOT more effort than you'd ever think for what seems like a simple position. He had meetings all the time and always seemed to have dozens of service projects in the works for members of our ward. He is busy all the time for the sake of others. Since he has received this calling, he too is much happier, much kinder, and much more focused on service.

I can see where women in the church are coming from when they talk about wanting the Priesthood. It's about equality, it's about proving that we aren't inferior to men, it's about having more responsibilities. And I am all for that in the world today. I hate being treated lower than men simply because of my gender. I hate that opportunities are passed above my head, especially in the work field I am, simply because I have an extra X chromosome. I hate that I likely won't ever get the same treatment and responsibilities in life because I am a woman.

But this is not how I feel about the Priesthood.

Another story.

My sweet mom has fulfilled many callings within the church in Young Women's, Primary, and Relief Society. One of the callings I remember the most is when she was Relief Society president in our ward back in Washington. She worked SO HARD at her calling. Every ounce of herself went into this calling and every minute that she wasn't fulfilling her responsibilities at her job or at home, she was working to strengthen the sisters she was placed in charge of. Even though I was young, I could see how hard it was for her. But I also could see how the lives she was changing in that Relief Society simply by being the loving individual she was. She did not need the Priesthood to fulfill her responsibilities. She already filled all the requirements of her job with her loving nature that she already possesses naturally.

When I think about my mom having the Priesthood on top of all the responsibilities she already has, it makes me cringe. I love my momma to pieces but I know she isn't well equipped to handle that. She goes about her life and responsibilities perfectly with just her nature as a woman. She is more capable of loving others unconditionally, she has greater capacity to feel empathy, and she has a greater nurturing instinct. The same is true of all women I know, it's just how we're programmed. We have natural tools to aid us as we go about our duties in the church and in our personal lives.

The more I see the men in my family and friend circles exercise their priesthood, the more I see how essential the Priesthood is in strengthening their character. The more they use their Priesthood, the more capable they are of loving others unconditionally, the greater capacity they have to feel empathy, and the greater instinct they have to be nurturing and kind. Sound familiar? If anything, the Priesthood brings about qualities in men that women already have naturally! The Priesthood is much more powerful in the hands of men than it is in the women because it strengthens both the people on the receiving end of the blessings as well as the Priesthood holder exercising his Priesthood power. If you're looking for equality in the church, THERE'S your equality. The responsibilities that women hold in the church build up the Christ-like characteristics that a woman already has. The Priesthood that men hold in the church build up the Christ-like characteristics they already have in a way more suited to their nature as men.

If you're still not convinced, here's another story. When I received my patriarchal blessing last year, it happened in a very hard time in my life. I went to receive this blessing so that I would get some direction and comfort in my life, that I would know that I was not stumbling around in the dark alone and for nothing. As I walked up the steps, I was in panic mode. Why was I going to let some stranger into my life for such a personal reason and when I had so much pain and fear in my heart? I knocked on the door and the first person to greet me was the patriarch's wife. One of the sweetest women I have ever met in my life. She was one of those few women I ever met where you can feel a spirit of love radiating off her simply by standing in her presence. Her loving nature was exactly what I needed before I could go in to meet with the patriarch. I know the Lord called the patriarch to his calling with full knowledge that his wife would be essential to him fulfilling his responsibilities. Without her, I know he would not have been able to manage the calling alone, I could see that in the brief time I was in their home. If you need equality in the church, that's where the equality is. Men and women need to use their gifts from God together, whether your tool is your personal characteristics or if it's the Priesthood power. I need the blessings of the Priesthood in my life daily and in turn, I need to help the men in my life exercise their Priesthood to the best of my abilities. That's equality.

Whew. That was a lot of thoughts. I hope it made sense. I'd love to hear the thoughts of others, all I ask is that you refrain from being abusive or hurtful in your comments. Thanks lovelies!

Kill and Run

To fight or take flight.

Life for me lately has been a lot about choosing battles. What am I going to choose to fight against today. What am I going to choose to let slide. What am I going to choose to simply walk away from.

Until the only battles you have left are the ones you can't fight off or flee from easily.

In my psychology class, we talked a lot about this fight-and-flight response. Though this physiological response came about in the good old days when we humans were regularly fighting off mammoths and saber tooth tigers, it is still very much present in our own lives with different stressors. Work. School. Family. Relationships. Associations. Accidents. Deadlines. Commitments. Dreams. Everything. But the difference now is that we can't respond the way that our mind wants us to anymore. We can't just punch our boss when he becomes aggressive. We can't just walk away from schoolwork because it got too hard for us to handle. We can't turn down assignments and responsibilities because it's too overwhelming to handle. We can't simply fight or take flight.

How dearly I miss the days when it was so easy to let things go. When there were so many fewer consequences. When there was so much time to use. When there was no one who depended on you. When there was a clear enemy and a clear mission to fulfill. When there were so many resources in front of you. When there were fewer questions and more answers. When there were always other options.

I'm so tired of fighting. I wish I could just take flight.

Are You What You Want To Be?

I think I've reached that point in my college career when I stop and say "Why am I doing this again?" That point when you've been working so hard towards a dream but then you realize that you don't remember why that dream was so important to you. That point when you jump off a high surface and you realize in the middle of your descent to Earth that you're a freaking idiot and why in the world would you ever think that was a good idea. 

Working the typical 9-5 American work day has really bogged me down. It's opened me to the horrors of repetition, the dread you feel when you wake up the next morning and realize you have to do the same exact thing you did yesterday. And you realize you'll be doing the same thing tomorrow. And the next day. And the next day. And the next day. Until you wake up one morning and ask "Why am I doing this again? What was I trying to achieve? Why did I think this was a good idea?"

I love what I learn. I love what I do. Yet when I come home from another interminable day at work, I feel like I accomplished nothing in the grand scheme of things. I feel like I contributed nothing to the world that day. I feel like I wasted so much effort for so little reward to society. I feel useless.

I've been thinking a lot about teaching high school business courses. Unfortunately, our school systems are just barely waking up to the idea of having business classes in high school. Utah is among a small handful of states that require students to take a finance course to graduate while other states simply offer small classes as an option. I see a lot of value in investing more people and resources into providing business classes to high school classes. In talking with a lot of my fellow classmates before graduating, a lot of them have these big ideas about what they want to accomplish in life. But sadly, I know most of the ideas will remain just that, an idea. High school, the time when kids are supposed to mapping out the next stages in their lives, don't expose the students to real world ideas on how to be innovative and expand their ideas. I spent so much time worrying about physics equations, war dates, math theorems, and chemical reactions to fulfill what the state felt was necessary for me to be a successful individual. There was very little time for me to explore things that interested me, things that I could actually use after leaving high school.

With teaching, I want to inspire people to be creative thinkers and to push ideas forward. I want to encourage innovation and hard work. I want to stimulate people's thought processes and accomplish their dreams. I want to watch people grow and take pride in the fact that I helped them get there.

 It's so hard to figure out how you fit into this world. To figure out the roles you need to fulfill. To figure out how your talents and abilities apply to your little section of the big picture. It's a very easy thing to second guess unfortunately and I think we spend a lot of time chiseling away at our skills and character to fit the mold we create for ourselves. I hope I find another dream to chase soon. I hope I don't keep waking up with questions and doubts. I hope there will be a time for me where I can look back on the day and feel that I did accomplish something in the world that day. I hope I will find purpose.

Because of Him

Because of Him, my family is mine forever.

Because of Him, my life is filled with people and opportunities that bring me joy.

Because of Him, I always have a friend that will be there through all my triumphs and all my downfalls.

Because of Him, I have purpose.

Because of Him, my sins no longer weigh my soul down and the Savior as saved me, something I could never do for myself.

Because of Him, my possibilities are endless and I have no limits.

Because of Him, I can do hard things.

Because of Him, I can love and be loved.

Because of Him, my heart is fuller and my countenance is brighter.

Because of Him, I know where I came from, I know where I am at, and I know where I am going.

Because of Him, I am free to make choices and experience consequences.

Because of Him, every day is a new opportunity to be a better me than I was the day before.

Because of Him, I can change people's lives every day.

Because of Him, I am free.

I know that my Redeemer lives. I know He loves me. I know He has bright things in store for me. I know I can do all things in him.

As he died to make men holy, let us live to make men free.

Kiss Me With Your Eyes So Sweetly

What am I doing wrong?

They continue to argue.

No I'm right. You made the mistake. No, you made the mistake. She leaves. He sits.

"You're doing really well Caylin. You understand these things much better than the other assistants."

Well if you put it that way, maybe I am doing it right...

She returns. They argue. She turns to me.

"I can tell you're smart. I'll work with you instead."

I glow. Well if you put it that way, maybe I am doing it right.
"She's a pretty smart girl Lee. I think we're all done finally."

She stands. I stand. I walk to the door.

"You were magnificent today Caylin."

"Yes, you really were. Thanks Caylin."

Well if you put it that way, maybe I am doing it right. 

I crave attention. I seek flattery. I desire recognition. I covet acknowledgement. I want adoration.

I'm addicted to praise.

We can all agree that little compliments are nice. They brighten our day, bring a little smile to our face, lighten our eyes a little bit more. But praise is like a drug for me. If I don't have it constantly, I start to break down mentally and emotionally. If my presence isn't acknowledged when I enter a room, I automatically panic and assume that I'm unwelcome or unloved. If I don't get complimented on a new outfit, I probably won't ever wear it again because it means it didn't look good on me. If someone doesn't compliment how I look that day, to me it means I look ugly or something is out of place. If I don't get encouraged while doing a task, I assume that I'm doing things incorrectly and my ability to focus tumbles. If I don't receive praise, I'm doing it wrong.

This is a problem that has been growing as I've grown older and my daily pressures have grown tougher and tougher. I think this problem arrived from the incredibly competitive atmosphere I created for myself since I started school. I always fought to be better than everyone in class, to be involved in more things than everyone else, to achieve more accomplishments than everyone else, to receive more recognition than everyone else. I wanted to be the best student, the best child, the best worker, the best friend, the best person. Sometimes I don't even have a clear opponent or a tangible target I needed to outbeat. I just have to be better than WHOEVER else might be in my way. In high school, I called this perfectionism. But now I realize I only wanted things to be perfect so I could be recognized as a perfect person. My personal worth has always felt like it depended on achievements and victories, not on who I was as a person.

Of course no one wants to admit they're narcissistic. I spend a lot of time and energy trying to restrain and hide this obsession for praise. I try my hardest to reach out to others, to put others' needs before my own. I try to resist begging for praise. But it all comes back to this desire for praise. I want to be recognized for being selfless and humble. How sad it is that the thing I try to do to become less self-absorbed is just another way I feed this crippling obsession.

This addiction to praise puts a huge emotional strain on my relationships with people. If I'm not getting recognized consistently by those I love or look up too, it's devastating and panic-inducing. No consistent praise means something is wrong about me. I try to never lead a person to praise me because if I lead on the compliment, I feel that it's fake and insincere. But if someone ends a conversation without acknowledging me in some fashion, I'm crushed and start mentally analyzing the reasons why I wasn't commended for anything.

Trying to beat this frame of mind is hard. I've been trying to establish enough confidence in myself that I don't need as much praise to function every day. But it's hard to build that personal strength when you rely so heavily on the words of others for your strength. I've been trying to do more meaningful service but that too has been a struggle because I need to be praised in order for me to feel accomplished. I know this restructuring of the mind is going to require personal reflection and affirmation but any other guidance is much appreciated. It's time to start relying on myself for strength instead of the words of others.

Well if you put it that way, maybe I am doing it right.