And so ends another General Conference. This post isn't exactly going to be your typical social networking update about General Conference. No pictures of quotes written in Comic Sans. No Instagram pictures of the temple. No stupid hashtags like #teamuchtdorf or #teammonson. Just truth, just thoughts, just realizations.
Every one take something different away from Conference and I guess my story begins the same way Conference starts, with the first session. I was picking up a common theme from the first few talks: Unity within the church and outside of it. I thought about this a lot as I was on the train to the conference center and I realized something that I had never quite picked up on about myself.
I feel no connection to the church anymore.
That's not to say that I don't believe in the gospel the LDS church teaches. I believe in a loving Father in Heaven and His Son Jesus Christ. I believe Jesus atoned for our sins and was crucified so that we can live again free from our mistakes. I believe in Joseph Smith and that he restored the true church. I believe in the prophet and his apostles. I believe in the power of the Priesthood and I believe in the sealing power of the temple. I still feel the Spirit and I still have a strong relationship with my Heavenly Father.
Despite this, I don't think I believe in the role of a church anymore.
I think this has been going on since I came to Utah but as this problem slowly and subtly got worse, it came to the point where my attitude had completely changed from what it had been before. I feel less and less sincerity from the members I associate with, whether it be the speaker in church or the crazy 1st counselor who always asks me why I'm not married yet. I spend more time thinking about how different my views from the world are from the other members' views instead of celebrating the similarities. I spend more time wondering if whoever is teaching honestly believes what they are teaching or are just simply teaching because that's what they're supposed to do. I spend more time wondering why the heck I'm still here.
And the always wonderful Jeffrey R. Holland reminded me why we need to be united, why we need to work together, why we need to set our differences aside, why we need to look the similarities and not the differences.
Because we're all broken.
You're broken. I'm broken. Your friends are broken. Your family is broken. Everyone you know and everyone I know is broken. We have all been broken in various capacities in our lives. For some it's mental and physical disabilities. For others, it's something much more horrifying. But for many others, it's the simple heartaches, pains, and challenges that we associate with the journey of life. And if that's the only similiarity I see between me and the members of the church that I simply cannot stand, I have to embrace that.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is not a perfect Church. The gospel of the Church of Jesus Christ is. The Church is a gathering of those broken souls who find comfort in the light of Christ and need a fellowship to find this light in a world that is growing darker. It's a fellowship of the stubborn, the narcisstic, the rude, the cruel, the stupid, the clueless, the obscene, and the ruthless and it's a fellowship of people who want to change these qualities in their characters. As much as I struggle to find faith and trust in the people of this Church, I have to realize that they are struggling to find faith and trust in themselves. And it just might be that I'm the key to helping them achieve that. And it just might be that those people I can't stand are the key to helping me change into the best person I can be.
For those that know me well, I'm a pretty hard-hearted and stubborn person. I'm a very prideful and wary person. And changing is nearly impossible for me. Conference today showed me a problem that I never knew I had. As much as I love the Lord, as much as I love His Spirit and the peace it brings my life, I need the fellowship of the church as well, even if I think it just might kill me. I'm beyond grateful for the peace of this gospel and I hope one day I'll be grateful for the Church that tries to live by it again. Any advice how to get past this is much appreciated :)
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
The (Shipped) Gold Standard
Tomorrow is the celebration of one month of living in Salt Lake City. One month of being a student at the University of Utah. One month of living in a house. One month of hellish adventures and exasperating frustrations. One month of memorable adventures and exciting happiness. One month of gaining experience.
And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I learned about life in just 30 short days.
1. Life hates any plan that you design for yourself and will happily and enthusiastically destroy any part of it that it doesn't like
If you had told me a year ago that in 2013, I would be attending my rival university, living in downtown Salt Lake with someone I barely knew, and be trying to figure out a relationship with a missionary, I would have laughed myself into a coma. And then woke up and punched you in the face. I seriously can't tell you how polar opposite my life was last year. I was attending BYU, dating a guy I had been with for two years, living in a comfortable little dorm room with freshman as naive and terrified as I was, and expecting life to stay that way for a few years. But as we all witness and experience, everything can change in a matter of seconds. Roadblocks pop up, people disappear, new people appear, your lens of the world around you changes, and pretty soon you're taking a much different path then you anticipated. Life has been sweet and gentle enough (cough) to inform me that I'm an idiot and that I'm in much less control then I want to be. But that's part of your learning process. Learning flexibility, patience, and endurance. Learning how to cope, how to work independently, how to manage challenges that might arise. Learning who is important and what the big picture is. Learning how to be a functional individual in a world where rationality and common decency are quite rare. Learning how to be YOU and accepting that YOU have a place in the universe. I hope I get something right about the path I plan for myself but I'm glad to be learning.
Another thing I've learned about life is that there is no wrong plan, there is simply good, better, and best. It wasn't wrong of me to go to BYU even if I'm not there now. It wasn't wrong of me not to serve a mission, even if it's what was expected of me. There are no wrong paths because they are all paths of learning. They are all paths of shaping your character and they are all paths that lead to a better you in the future. Even though life forces you to backtrack, stumble, question, hesitate, and wander, there are no wrong answers to where you choose to go.
2. Setting goals goes a long way
As I've just said above, life has a tendency to shove your plans back in your face. But I've found that setting goals has been a good way to fight back against that opposition. Or maybe just make me feel better about it. Ok, maybe it's just so that I feel more accomplished. BUT, it helps :) It's pretty hard to progress if you don't have an idea of where you want to progress to. Make goals for your education, make goals for aspects of your character you want to change, make goals for your physical and social well-being. Or maybe all three. Never settle for travelling along on a plateau, always try to climb to new heights.
3. Life is not meant to be lived in comfort zones
In just this month alone, I've had more unique and new experiences then I ever did in the last year. I've been to three concerts, several dance parties, sat in the home section at a football game cheering on the rival team, used public transportation to get pretty much everywhere, shopped in a Walmart with a parking garage, attempted to go to a frat party ;), lived in a house with girls several years older than me, and the list goes on and on. And this year is turning out to be an AMAZING one! Honestly, I've been so much happier doing the unexpected and just taking life by the horns. Life isn't meant to be watched from the sidelines, it's meant to be played. Take opportunities that you wouldn't have taken otherwise. And if opportunities aren't coming, seek them out yourself.
4. Things are never the way they appear
A month ago, I was beyond excited to be moving into cute little house in the Avenues in Salt Lake. Like constant singing, random dancing, big cheesy smile excited. But it only two weeks for Andrea and I to realize that our castle in the city was more like a prison in hell. The kitchen faucet broke and currently sprays water all over the kitchen when you turn it on. Box Elder bugs crawled in from every crack in the wall and I would have to vacuum dozens of them up every other night in the bedroom. During the first big rainstorm, the ceiling in the living room leaked and soaked the couch. The bathroom sink is clogged most of the time and the toilet takes about 5 minutes to recover after you flush it. Half the outlets in the house stopped working. The utilities company was kind enough to inform us that there is a major water leak in the house somewhere, most likely in the vacant room. My landlord goes out of his way to make sure he ignores us when we call to complain. My other roommate steals my food and dishes, walks around the house wearing next to nothing, leaves a mess wherever she goes, sends me a text to tell me something when I'm in the same room as her, and is the most uncooperative person I've ever had the misfortune to meet. When I moved in a month ago, I never would have guessed that in a matter of days Andrea and I would be apartment hunting and be ready to move out after less than 3 weeks of living there. Yet here we are. Always hope for the best and expect the worst. Life has a tendency to surprise you in the most unwelcome and inconvenient ways but sometimes it can be a welcome surprise. Either way, be optimistically cautious.
5. Things don't happen when you sit and wish, they happen through action.
My whole entire experience in Salt Lake so far can be summed up by the word action. Moving in, starting school, realizing I was in trouble where I was living, job hunting, apartment hunting, signing new contracts, finding replacements, testing my patience, fighting with the landlord, setting myself to have my heart broken, trying to have some fun amongst the craziness. ACTION. And believe me, life wouldn't get done without all that action. Sitting and hoping my first week didn't work at all. Even though there have been plenty of times where I've screwed up this month with everything going on, the only thing I regret are the times that I stood by without trying to fix my situation. If you want something to change, YOU have to do it. Fate isn't going to do it for you anymore, other people won't do it for you, the only person that can make you progress in life is you. And believe me, you are more capable of making change then you could ever expect. Everyone is.
Now that you've pondered my sage advice or delusional ramblings (whichever, neither answers are wrong!), please enjoy this delightful music video.
And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I learned about life in just 30 short days.
1. Life hates any plan that you design for yourself and will happily and enthusiastically destroy any part of it that it doesn't like
If you had told me a year ago that in 2013, I would be attending my rival university, living in downtown Salt Lake with someone I barely knew, and be trying to figure out a relationship with a missionary, I would have laughed myself into a coma. And then woke up and punched you in the face. I seriously can't tell you how polar opposite my life was last year. I was attending BYU, dating a guy I had been with for two years, living in a comfortable little dorm room with freshman as naive and terrified as I was, and expecting life to stay that way for a few years. But as we all witness and experience, everything can change in a matter of seconds. Roadblocks pop up, people disappear, new people appear, your lens of the world around you changes, and pretty soon you're taking a much different path then you anticipated. Life has been sweet and gentle enough (cough) to inform me that I'm an idiot and that I'm in much less control then I want to be. But that's part of your learning process. Learning flexibility, patience, and endurance. Learning how to cope, how to work independently, how to manage challenges that might arise. Learning who is important and what the big picture is. Learning how to be a functional individual in a world where rationality and common decency are quite rare. Learning how to be YOU and accepting that YOU have a place in the universe. I hope I get something right about the path I plan for myself but I'm glad to be learning.
Another thing I've learned about life is that there is no wrong plan, there is simply good, better, and best. It wasn't wrong of me to go to BYU even if I'm not there now. It wasn't wrong of me not to serve a mission, even if it's what was expected of me. There are no wrong paths because they are all paths of learning. They are all paths of shaping your character and they are all paths that lead to a better you in the future. Even though life forces you to backtrack, stumble, question, hesitate, and wander, there are no wrong answers to where you choose to go.
2. Setting goals goes a long way
As I've just said above, life has a tendency to shove your plans back in your face. But I've found that setting goals has been a good way to fight back against that opposition. Or maybe just make me feel better about it. Ok, maybe it's just so that I feel more accomplished. BUT, it helps :) It's pretty hard to progress if you don't have an idea of where you want to progress to. Make goals for your education, make goals for aspects of your character you want to change, make goals for your physical and social well-being. Or maybe all three. Never settle for travelling along on a plateau, always try to climb to new heights.
3. Life is not meant to be lived in comfort zones
In just this month alone, I've had more unique and new experiences then I ever did in the last year. I've been to three concerts, several dance parties, sat in the home section at a football game cheering on the rival team, used public transportation to get pretty much everywhere, shopped in a Walmart with a parking garage, attempted to go to a frat party ;), lived in a house with girls several years older than me, and the list goes on and on. And this year is turning out to be an AMAZING one! Honestly, I've been so much happier doing the unexpected and just taking life by the horns. Life isn't meant to be watched from the sidelines, it's meant to be played. Take opportunities that you wouldn't have taken otherwise. And if opportunities aren't coming, seek them out yourself.
4. Things are never the way they appear
A month ago, I was beyond excited to be moving into cute little house in the Avenues in Salt Lake. Like constant singing, random dancing, big cheesy smile excited. But it only two weeks for Andrea and I to realize that our castle in the city was more like a prison in hell. The kitchen faucet broke and currently sprays water all over the kitchen when you turn it on. Box Elder bugs crawled in from every crack in the wall and I would have to vacuum dozens of them up every other night in the bedroom. During the first big rainstorm, the ceiling in the living room leaked and soaked the couch. The bathroom sink is clogged most of the time and the toilet takes about 5 minutes to recover after you flush it. Half the outlets in the house stopped working. The utilities company was kind enough to inform us that there is a major water leak in the house somewhere, most likely in the vacant room. My landlord goes out of his way to make sure he ignores us when we call to complain. My other roommate steals my food and dishes, walks around the house wearing next to nothing, leaves a mess wherever she goes, sends me a text to tell me something when I'm in the same room as her, and is the most uncooperative person I've ever had the misfortune to meet. When I moved in a month ago, I never would have guessed that in a matter of days Andrea and I would be apartment hunting and be ready to move out after less than 3 weeks of living there. Yet here we are. Always hope for the best and expect the worst. Life has a tendency to surprise you in the most unwelcome and inconvenient ways but sometimes it can be a welcome surprise. Either way, be optimistically cautious.
5. Things don't happen when you sit and wish, they happen through action.
My whole entire experience in Salt Lake so far can be summed up by the word action. Moving in, starting school, realizing I was in trouble where I was living, job hunting, apartment hunting, signing new contracts, finding replacements, testing my patience, fighting with the landlord, setting myself to have my heart broken, trying to have some fun amongst the craziness. ACTION. And believe me, life wouldn't get done without all that action. Sitting and hoping my first week didn't work at all. Even though there have been plenty of times where I've screwed up this month with everything going on, the only thing I regret are the times that I stood by without trying to fix my situation. If you want something to change, YOU have to do it. Fate isn't going to do it for you anymore, other people won't do it for you, the only person that can make you progress in life is you. And believe me, you are more capable of making change then you could ever expect. Everyone is.
Now that you've pondered my sage advice or delusional ramblings (whichever, neither answers are wrong!), please enjoy this delightful music video.
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Anthem
This week, my inspiration is music. These past few weeks have been ridiculous with signing a new lease, getting ready to move, putting my current apartment on KSL, meeting possible replacements that have exceeded even my own wildest expectations, dealing with my psycho roommate who was placed on this earth merely to test all boundaries of my patience and sanity, finding and obtaining a new job, and attempting to reconcile with life. Here are some of my saviors this week... What's listed is the album title and my favorite song from the album is the video. Enjoy and no hating! ;) BTW, this isn't in any particular order
1. Franz Ferdinand~Right Thoughts, Right Words, Right Actions (Pretty much anything by Franz Ferdinand will change your life)
2. Kanye West~808s and Heartbreak
3. Kaskade~Atmosphere (Outstanding Album)
4. Arctic Monkeys~AM (if you like the Black Keys, you'll love this album)
5. The Black Keys~Brothers (El Camino is also a fantasic album)
6. Empire of the Sun~Walking on a Dream (Best album in the history of forever and always)
7. Panic! At the Disco~Vices and Virtues (Miss Jackson isn't on this album but it's my favorite song)
1. Franz Ferdinand~Right Thoughts, Right Words, Right Actions (Pretty much anything by Franz Ferdinand will change your life)
2. Kanye West~808s and Heartbreak
3. Kaskade~Atmosphere (Outstanding Album)
4. Arctic Monkeys~AM (if you like the Black Keys, you'll love this album)
5. The Black Keys~Brothers (El Camino is also a fantasic album)
6. Empire of the Sun~Walking on a Dream (Best album in the history of forever and always)
7. Panic! At the Disco~Vices and Virtues (Miss Jackson isn't on this album but it's my favorite song)
8. The Neighbourhood~I'm Sorry
9. Macklemore~The Heist (My mancrush and not-so-secret lover ;) Also listen to the V.S. EP and the original version of Otherside. Original version is incredible.)
10. Coldplay~Mylo Xyloto
11. Deadmau5~4X4=12 (Honestly it was tied with For Lack of A Better Name album so you should just listen to both!)
12. Florence and the Machine~Ceremonials (Lung Album is also phenomenal)
13. Lana Del Ray~Born To Die
14. Krewella~Play Hard EP
15. The Killers~Hot Fuss
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Time to Pretend
"Pick you up, let you down, when I wanna go to a place I can hide. You know me, I had plans but they just disappeared to the back of my mind. Oh can it be, the voices calling me they get lost and out of time. I should've seen a glow but everybody knows that a broken heart is blind."
"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold. I'll be fine once I get it, yeah, I'll be good."
"I keep on running, keep on running and nothing helps. I can't get away from you."
"But there is really nothing, nothing we can do. Love must be forgotten. Life can always start up anew. "
"When you're tired of racing and you found you never left the start. Come on baby, don’t let it break your heart.. When you're tired of aiming your arrows, still you never hit the mark."
"I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shine ain't always gonna be gold. I'll be fine once I get it, yeah, I'll be good."
"I keep on running, keep on running and nothing helps. I can't get away from you."
"But there is really nothing, nothing we can do. Love must be forgotten. Life can always start up anew. "
"When you're tired of racing and you found you never left the start. Come on baby, don’t let it break your heart.. When you're tired of aiming your arrows, still you never hit the mark."
If you know who sings all of the lyrics I used in the beginning of the post without cheating, we can be best friends for life.
As you can probably guess, the sitting, waiting, and wishing is over. Now here's to sitting, waiting, and wishing that some kind of hope is on the horizon.
I'm a single lady. My hands are up. I haven't put on my black leotard and hooker heels to dance around the white room in. My hands are shakily staying up. I hope soon that I'll be prancing around the universe with no cares in the world again. I hope I embrace that I will only have to worry about myself and frankly there's no one that does a better job of that than me. I hope that in spending some quality time alone that the only person that I need to learn to trust in is myself and that no one is in charge of my happiness besides me. I hope I can appreciate that my future is MINE and that's one thing no force in the universe can take that from me.
My inspirations for the week: Empire of the Sun because they are gods of the music world, Catherine because she's a huge example to me and is willing to share in the pain of this time of life, Josh because he let me make fun of him yesterday about his hilarious nightmares about life, Ansel because he listens to Black Eyed Peas and wants to take selfies with me, Alex because he can make me laugh, and my parents that seem like the only people in the world that still are behind me.
Life will be ok someday guys. Life is going to be ok....
As you can probably guess, the sitting, waiting, and wishing is over. Now here's to sitting, waiting, and wishing that some kind of hope is on the horizon.
I'm a single lady. My hands are up. I haven't put on my black leotard and hooker heels to dance around the white room in. My hands are shakily staying up. I hope soon that I'll be prancing around the universe with no cares in the world again. I hope I embrace that I will only have to worry about myself and frankly there's no one that does a better job of that than me. I hope that in spending some quality time alone that the only person that I need to learn to trust in is myself and that no one is in charge of my happiness besides me. I hope I can appreciate that my future is MINE and that's one thing no force in the universe can take that from me.
My inspirations for the week: Empire of the Sun because they are gods of the music world, Catherine because she's a huge example to me and is willing to share in the pain of this time of life, Josh because he let me make fun of him yesterday about his hilarious nightmares about life, Ansel because he listens to Black Eyed Peas and wants to take selfies with me, Alex because he can make me laugh, and my parents that seem like the only people in the world that still are behind me.
Life will be ok someday guys. Life is going to be ok....
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Feel Good Inc.
Well it's the end of my first week out of the BYU danger zone. And guess what lovelies?
IT.
WAS.
DIVINE.
Simply divine. I absolutely love it at the U. The students body is so diverse, there really is a place for everybody here. Even for somebody like me that doesn't really fit in anywhere.
To try to help you understand my situation, we will explore one of my favorite movies of all time: Mean Girls. One of the reasons I left BYU is that I didn't fit in there at all. I was like Cady Heron on her first day of school, just your old-fashioned outcast eating my lunch in the bathroom stall (figuratively... or maybe literally... but probably figuratively ;) ). Going to the U is like being part of the PLASTICS for me. I love the diversity. I love the laidback personality. I love that the students come from all sides of life. I love living in Salt Lake. I love my adorable neighborhood that reminds me of Seattle. In essence, I'm in love with my new life.
Granted, my first week here hasn't been all dandelions and sunshine. In the craziness girls moving in and out, my internet service was cancelled, forcing me to camp at the library for most of the day to be able to do anything. I have no friends where I live. One of my roommates is driving me absolutely bonkers with her immaturity. The cooling system in my apartment is outdated and the temperature inside usually hovers in the 80s. Everyone I know lives at least 40 minutes away from me. The Box Elder bugs in the neighborhood are driving me to insanity and filling my life with terror. I was sent to 3 different wards today for church just in time for them to tell me that the ward I meet in had already finished their meetings hours ago.
But darlings, I am blessed.
I am so grateful for the opportunity to live up in Salt Lake and to go to school at the U. For the first time in a long time, I feel like I actually belong somewhere. I feel like I'm heading in a positive, forward direction instead of just wandering. I feel like I'm progressing. Every person who I've crossed paths with is respectful, selfless, and unconditionally kind. Without their help, I would still be hopelessly wandering the school, hopelessly riding the bus without a clue where I'm at, hopelessly being trampled at the school dance when the drunkards at the campus party decided to mosh, and hopelessly trying to use the school's grading system.
I really want to shout out to my absolutely incredible boyfriend. He has been a huge support in the process of finding and moving into this apartment and I'm richly blessed. It amazes me how someone can be such a positive influence in my life, even when living so far away. Even though he won't be able to read this, he still deserves all the recognition I can give him. :) I'm a very fortunate person.
Guys, I'm blessed. Need I say more? :)
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Power
Again, I'm back to the personal posts. But I guess the only people that read my blog are the ones that honestly care about my life so it's ok. I trust you'll be nice though darlings!!!
In Sacrament meeting, the talks were about the Priesthood in various capacities in the church. For those that don't know much about the LDS church, we believe in what's called the Priesthood power, which is the power to fulfill the ordinances in our church, everything from blessing sacrament to sealing families together in the temple. It's the governing power over the earth and it is given in various stages to men starting at age 12. With that very brief intro to the Priesthood, this one women was speaking about the Priesthood in the sense of her future spouse (clearly this was a singles ward lol). Much of her message was about how important it was to her that she married a man that honored his priesthood power and that used it to serve others selflessly. The other messages were about how the Priesthood blesses homes and family.
For those friends that know me closely, you'll know that this is a very sensitive topic with me. One of the guys I dated for a very long time in high school left the church and declared himself agnostic. After a lot of contemplating, praying, begging, and heartbreak, we decided to split up. This decision has caused me a lot of heartache and has destroyed my friendships with my ex's family and friends. The next few months were months of a lot of struggling, questioning, and second guessing. But I can proudly say today that I don't regret that decision.
I know without a doubt that I want the Priesthood in my home. This power is what allows me to be sealed to my family for the eternities. This power is what heals me when I'm sick and injured and what calms my troubled heart. This power allows me to be rejuvenated every week and rid myself of what I've done wrong. This power is what helped me survive those months of sorrow through the help of my father, bishop, and home teachers. This power has shaped me and nourished me. I cannot deny myself or my future family of this enabling power that will guide them through their every hardship. I can't deny my children the opportunity to ask their father for a blessing when they're scared to start school. When my children or I are sick, I can't deprive myself of the blessing to call the home teachers or my husband. I can't deny my children the experience of being baptized and confirmed by their father. I can't deny myself the power to seal my family to me not only for this life but for the next life to come, for longer than I could possibly imagine. I can't deny the power of the Priesthood access into my home. And if that makes me stupid that I want my family to be enriched by these blessings, then I'll happily and stupidly take this power.
Sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to stand up for what you believe in. Never question what you believe in, stand by it through anything. I'm so grateful for the influences of my father, grandfathers, uncles, bishops, and friends for their worthiness in holding and using their Priesthood power. And I'm so grateful for my boyfriend that honors his everyday by serving a mission he is proud of :) The Priesthood is something I will always, always, always want in my life.
Happy Sunday lovelies!
In Sacrament meeting, the talks were about the Priesthood in various capacities in the church. For those that don't know much about the LDS church, we believe in what's called the Priesthood power, which is the power to fulfill the ordinances in our church, everything from blessing sacrament to sealing families together in the temple. It's the governing power over the earth and it is given in various stages to men starting at age 12. With that very brief intro to the Priesthood, this one women was speaking about the Priesthood in the sense of her future spouse (clearly this was a singles ward lol). Much of her message was about how important it was to her that she married a man that honored his priesthood power and that used it to serve others selflessly. The other messages were about how the Priesthood blesses homes and family.
For those friends that know me closely, you'll know that this is a very sensitive topic with me. One of the guys I dated for a very long time in high school left the church and declared himself agnostic. After a lot of contemplating, praying, begging, and heartbreak, we decided to split up. This decision has caused me a lot of heartache and has destroyed my friendships with my ex's family and friends. The next few months were months of a lot of struggling, questioning, and second guessing. But I can proudly say today that I don't regret that decision.
I know without a doubt that I want the Priesthood in my home. This power is what allows me to be sealed to my family for the eternities. This power is what heals me when I'm sick and injured and what calms my troubled heart. This power allows me to be rejuvenated every week and rid myself of what I've done wrong. This power is what helped me survive those months of sorrow through the help of my father, bishop, and home teachers. This power has shaped me and nourished me. I cannot deny myself or my future family of this enabling power that will guide them through their every hardship. I can't deny my children the opportunity to ask their father for a blessing when they're scared to start school. When my children or I are sick, I can't deprive myself of the blessing to call the home teachers or my husband. I can't deny my children the experience of being baptized and confirmed by their father. I can't deny myself the power to seal my family to me not only for this life but for the next life to come, for longer than I could possibly imagine. I can't deny the power of the Priesthood access into my home. And if that makes me stupid that I want my family to be enriched by these blessings, then I'll happily and stupidly take this power.
Sometimes you have to make sacrifices in order to stand up for what you believe in. Never question what you believe in, stand by it through anything. I'm so grateful for the influences of my father, grandfathers, uncles, bishops, and friends for their worthiness in holding and using their Priesthood power. And I'm so grateful for my boyfriend that honors his everyday by serving a mission he is proud of :) The Priesthood is something I will always, always, always want in my life.
Happy Sunday lovelies!
Sunday, August 11, 2013
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing
This is a pretty personal post so take care to be sensitive to that. I don't really know why I am supposed to post this and I've been fighting it for the past few days... But I feel like I need to post this for some reason and I hope that reason is a good one. Because this is really taking me out of my comfort zone. Like a lot.
Today I will be posting as the girlfriend of a missionary. Now before you start to poke through the bars of the cage at the circus freak and question my intelligence, maturity, and sanity, give me the benefit of the doubt that I have NOT completely lost my mind. These days, the stories of girls waiting for their missionaries have turned into dramas worthy of a TV sitcom. The girl promises her missionary that she will wait for him, keeps up a good show for a few months, finds an RM who fulfills her every dream, dates for 2 weeks and gets married in 4, leaving poor Elder John in a miserable mess while still serving his mission. And in a not-so-distant past, I would have definitely laughed and scoffed at such a story. Seriously, what idiots. Do they have even have clue about life? Ever heard of patience before? It wasn't until I became that idiot that I realized there is much more to that story then what we gather from the outside.
Today I will be posting as the girlfriend of a missionary. Now before you start to poke through the bars of the cage at the circus freak and question my intelligence, maturity, and sanity, give me the benefit of the doubt that I have NOT completely lost my mind. These days, the stories of girls waiting for their missionaries have turned into dramas worthy of a TV sitcom. The girl promises her missionary that she will wait for him, keeps up a good show for a few months, finds an RM who fulfills her every dream, dates for 2 weeks and gets married in 4, leaving poor Elder John in a miserable mess while still serving his mission. And in a not-so-distant past, I would have definitely laughed and scoffed at such a story. Seriously, what idiots. Do they have even have clue about life? Ever heard of patience before? It wasn't until I became that idiot that I realized there is much more to that story then what we gather from the outside.
Here is a very accurate description of my life. My missionary thinks I'm prime meat for the gentlemen, my family thinks I sit around waiting, my friends think I drown myself in my tears, the delusional part of me thinks I am perfectly content with the situation, but it really is just me desperately waiting for letter day. In reality, it's all of those things... except being prime meat for the gentlemen (but lesbehonest, Grade A material here ;) ). It truly is a hard thing to have a long distance relationship to the point that you hear from your significant other maybe twice a week. I think when Dom first left, I thought it was just going to be nice and easy. I mean it's just two years right? But that's two years without the little things you don't think about. No one to hold your hand, no one to kiss you goodnight, no one to tell you they love you. Not even the smaller things. No one has told me I'm beautiful in months. No one will watch stupid shows with me just because they want to be in my company. No one has sent me a text that says good morning and hope you have a good day. No one will just tell me it will be ok even when I know it won't be. And when you think back on the past 2 years, what all changed in your life? Let me answer that: EVERYTHING.
Now this is where the confusion, the idiocy, the delusions, the insanity, and the stupidity comes in. Why would any IDIOT put themselves through that? And my answer sounds weak and immature but it's the truth... It feels like the right thing to do. Has your family ever moved simply because your parents thought it "felt right?" Have you ever reached out to someone random just because it "felt right?" When you chose the major you wanted to study in school, did you just pick that random major from a list of hundreds or did you pursue it because it "felt right?" It's the exact same feeling with my scenario. It felt right. I go through the daily heartaches, the sitting, waiting, and wishing because it feels right. It feels like this is what I'm supposed to do with my life. Maybe that makes me idiotic, delusional, insane, stupid, immature, and hopeless by following an impulse that won't leave my mind and is with me every moment of the day. But it's those same confusing and seemingly ungrounded impulses that govern our everyday actions.
Don't get me wrong, being the girlfriend to a missionary has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. To have a relationship with someone so in tune with the Spirit at all hours of the day has truly been a blessing and has strengthened my testimony in a time I needed it most. I have received so much incredible advice from my missionary and we have strengthened each other in the hardest of times in our vastly different situations in life. My missionary has truly blessed my life and it will leave an impression on me to last a lifetime :) But as much as it a time of great joy and excitement, it's also a time of much sorrow and worrying.
My dear readers, when you hear of another girl (or boy!) deciding to wait for a missionary, please don't jump to scoffs and scorns like I did. I hope my post opened your eyes to the realities a little bit: we don't choose to wait for missionaries because we believe in Nicholas Sparks love that can travel across seas and over mountains. We aren't close-minded to the fact that life doesn't go the way that we want it to and it may be that we don't end up with the missionary. We're very aware of that fact actually. I am very aware of the fact that I might have to close the chapter of my life with my missionary and open a new one with someone else. But I know that we are put into the right place at the right time for purposes we may not fully understand. What matters is that we trust the divine intervention that will lead us into a place we can fully flourish in. Right now, my place is to grow in a relationship with a missionary and I know that is what I'm meant to do because it feels right. And who knows? Maybe soon I will find another place that feels even better. Don't judge those that are wandering to their places in life, you have no idea where they've been or where they're going. Be supportive of the fact that they are searching or in my case at this time, sitting, waiting, and wishing.
Don't get me wrong, being the girlfriend to a missionary has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my life. To have a relationship with someone so in tune with the Spirit at all hours of the day has truly been a blessing and has strengthened my testimony in a time I needed it most. I have received so much incredible advice from my missionary and we have strengthened each other in the hardest of times in our vastly different situations in life. My missionary has truly blessed my life and it will leave an impression on me to last a lifetime :) But as much as it a time of great joy and excitement, it's also a time of much sorrow and worrying.
My dear readers, when you hear of another girl (or boy!) deciding to wait for a missionary, please don't jump to scoffs and scorns like I did. I hope my post opened your eyes to the realities a little bit: we don't choose to wait for missionaries because we believe in Nicholas Sparks love that can travel across seas and over mountains. We aren't close-minded to the fact that life doesn't go the way that we want it to and it may be that we don't end up with the missionary. We're very aware of that fact actually. I am very aware of the fact that I might have to close the chapter of my life with my missionary and open a new one with someone else. But I know that we are put into the right place at the right time for purposes we may not fully understand. What matters is that we trust the divine intervention that will lead us into a place we can fully flourish in. Right now, my place is to grow in a relationship with a missionary and I know that is what I'm meant to do because it feels right. And who knows? Maybe soon I will find another place that feels even better. Don't judge those that are wandering to their places in life, you have no idea where they've been or where they're going. Be supportive of the fact that they are searching or in my case at this time, sitting, waiting, and wishing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)