And It's Hard To Dance With The Devil On Your Back So Shake Him Off

It's always nice to gain a different perspective isn't it? I was working at Hobby Lobby today unloading shipment in the floral department with the charming department head Kitty. We were talking about another woman that worked that department a lot named Sara. She is the BIGGEST sweetheart you could ever imagine. Always smiling, always helpful, always kind, and ALWAYS cheerful. Kitty told me that Sara actually was going through a really hard time because she was raising her sons and husband on her part time job at Hobby Lobby. Which is $2 higher than minimum wage but it certainly doesn't make my wallet throw fiestas on the daily. I was absolutely shocked to hear this. How could someone hide such a difficult life with such ease? Kitty then said "It's situations like that that make you realize that someone always has it harder than you do, no matter what you're going through."

That really hit me hard today. I've been pretty whiny lately, even on Facebook which is something I never do. And I am completely ashamed of that now. This is what I've pondered on today and I sincerely hope I don't complain on Facebook like I have been lately. This is my permission to punch me in the face if I do.

First, that being stressed only means you have opportunities. It's true that I have been very stressed lately. With school coming up, apartment hunting being a failure beyond words, and work weeks that stretch to 60 hours, my tolerance for life in general is very low. But this stress is a beautiful blessing because it means that I have opportunities, doors that are open to me, options that I can explore, different routes that I can take. This stress means that I am free to choose where I want to go and what I want to do. With work, this stress means that I have the opportunity to make the situation a positive one or merely let it run me over. With school, it means that I have the opportunity to try things I never would have dreamed of doing. With apartment hunting, it means that I have the opportunity to meet new people and learn the simple truths of life in a very real setting. Stress means opportunities.

Which leads me to my next point, it's ok to be stressed and even fed up with life, but it is never ok to be ungrateful about your situation. Because despite the fact that life is hard, it's always harder when you don't have those doors open to you. Being worked to death is really starting to take its toll but I am very richly blessed to have not just one, but two outstanding jobs with very honest and friendly coworkers. Constantly being shut down on apartments is beyond disheartening but it's amazing I've had the opportunity to even save up for somewhere to live. There are always chances for you to improve your own situation. ALWAYS. Even if it's just a little bit at a time, there is always something you can do to make a difference in your life. Maybe it's as complex as rethinking the direction you're heading in life now. Maybe it's as simple as changing your perspective. Whatever the change, be grateful for opportunities, failures, and successes.

Ok lovelies, I'm getting eaten to pieces by mosquitoes out here. Hopefully that helped changed your perspective on whatever is irking you in life. It's something we hear a lot, I know at least for me that it's something I need to be reminded on a lot.

Oh, and this video is worth all 6 minutes. I promise ;)

You Musn't Be Afraid To Dream A Little Bigger Darling

I write this blog post to you tonight in odd circumstances. This is what I currently look like.

 No, I am not pulling a Signs moment and trying to block out aliens trying to read my mind. Not that they'd find anything interesting in this mere mortal's mind ;) I miss my ombre tips and apparently you can highlight your hair with cinnamon and honey. Somewhere deep down in my heart, I highly doubt this actually works. But on the surface, I'm kinda digging the smell of this concoction on my head and at least my brain will be partly safe tonight. :)

Anyways, onto my post. I got some pretty sad news this week and it's caused me to think things over again. Have you ever thought you were so RIGHT about something but it turned out you couldn't have been more WRONG? Has your mind listened so intently to your imagination and wild dreams that it ignored your common sense and better judgement? Has it ever blown your mind that you could be so ignorant and naive?

The best way I can describe how I feel is with that scene in Inception where Mal and Dom are lying on the train tracks and staring at each other as a train approaches. "You're waiting for a train, a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you don't know for sure." So do you board the train? This week it feels like I was riding a train that would take me to where I wanted to go but that I was kicked off the track at a station. I'm on the platform watching this train I knew would take me where I wanted to go travelling farther away from me until it's just a speck in the distance. Meanwhile, trains are arriving and departing in every direction, each with uncertain destinations. What if one of these trains will take a different route to where I want to go? What if I ride this train and I end up back on this platform? What if I end up somewhere farther from where I hope to go?

I guess you could say this is where chance comes in. Mal and Dom allowed themselves to be run over by the train with the small chance of them actually emerging from the dream. Sometimes you have to board the unfamiliar train with the small chance it takes you to where you want to go. Sometimes you have to step off the cliff with the small chance that something catches your fall. Sometimes you have take blinds steps with the small chance that something reaches out to you in the darkness. Sometimes the only thing you can do is hope.

I'm pretty heartbroken and I'm tired of trying to put myself back together week after week. I feel like fixing myself piece by piece is like trying to fix a broken Lego house in the Coberly Lego studio. As you go about recreating the house, you realize that you picked up the wrong pieces from the piles around you and didn't put on the right pieces to make the building the way it was before. I lose little bits of myself in the process of fixing what's broken until what's left is hardly recognizable anymore. I'm Mal lying on the train tracks, hoping with all my heart but doubting with all my mind, that the pain of what I will go through will bring me to where I want to be.

It's time to board a new train, any train, and hope without doubt that I will end up where I want. Who knows, maybe my destination will be even better than what I hoped for. Board a new train this week darlings! You never know where you might end up, but it might be right where you need to be. As Eames says in Inception, "You mustn't be afraid to dream a little bigger darling!"  And go watch Inception again, ya filthy animals! ;)

And to my mysterious fan base in Russia, thanks sweethearts! :D

Guess What? I love you, I love you, I LOVE YOOOOOOOOOOOOUU!!!

I'm currently writing this outside on my patio as I enjoy the 85 degree weather versus the 100+, hotter than fried hell heat we've been having this week. LOOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEE!!!!

Today's post might seem a little disjointed but I hope you can see the connection to the two ideas I've been having lately. First off, I got to go see my great-grandpa Judd in the hospital today. He fell down and broke his hip about a week ago and he had to go through surgery. When we arrived at the care center, I was totally taken aback by how many people were visiting. My grandparents were there and my great grandma was there with her daughter and grandsons (I'm related to this family through marriage so  I don't really know the name of our connection...). The tiny hospital room was full of laughing, smiling individuals and my great-grandpa laid on his bed watching us with a small smile on his tired face and love in his eyes.

Ever since my family moved to Utah, I've developed a deeper love and deeper connection with this side of my family. But as I was in this room with these relatives that I barely knew, I realized that these people have loved me since the day we were brought into their family. But why? These people don't know me, they don't know what I've done in my life, yet they still smile at me with the deepest love I've ever felt. This is unconditional love, the type of Christ-like love that isn't swayed by words or actions, no matter how terrible they might be. I never thought people could fully be capable of this type of love in this life, but this sweet family has taught me otherwise.

Our lesson in Sunday School was about pride and the teacher showed the This is Water video. Watch it if you haven't seen it yet!! This video really stuck out to me when I first watched it. This summer has been spent working long weeks at two retail jobs and I come home exhausted dealing with stupid customers all day. It can be infuriating working so much in such a busy environment and you have the people that feel the need to take their petty frustrations out on you in their rudeness and other forms of douchebaggery. Speaking as "the voice of death" the video talks about, I come home pretty fed up with the way I'm treated every day. But this video has really helped me to stop for a moment and think about the other person who is committing said douchebaggery (that word is just to great not to use again). Maybe they've come from a long day at work and just want to get home. Maybe their family is struggling financially or they've recently experienced a tragedy at home. Maybe they're in a hurry and don't know how to control their panic in a social setting. This is in no way an easy way to think and as the video says, I just can't do it sometimes. But it's a good thing to strive for and constantly work at little bits at a time.

Now my attempt to connect the two ideas. Like I've said before, I have grown to really become fed up with people in general. It's really made me kind of hard-hearted. But in my experience today with my family and with re-watching this video, I realized that there is always something I can do to change this. My great-grandma is the most loving person I know, in the hospital today on her way to get water, she stopped by in the rooms of lonely patients to ask how they were doing. She has this unconditional love for EVERYONE, no matter their story, no matter how well she knows them, nothing could sway her from loving them. I'm positive that was something that didn't come easily. I'm sure some days she just couldn't feel any type of love for the people around her. But over time, she's become the greatest example of unconditional love that I know.

I guess my message for today is that feeling towards your fellow men is always something that you can work towards. And as I've said before, sometimes you might not be able to do it. But you will forever be miserable if you live in the default setting of thinking people around you are stupid and exist merely to make your life as difficult as possible. Step out of the default, try to be more compassionate, and always strive to have unconditional love as natural to your day as breathing. I don't believe this perfect love is something you can fully obtain, at least in this life, but it's always something you can pursue, it's always something you can be better at.

Enjoy your week crazies!

Same Love

This post might be a little behind the times but better late than never right? Tomorrow is the last day of this term that the Supreme Court can rule out Prop 8, meaning tomorrow could be a historic day for the LGBT community. Of course, we wouldn't know that because the news is consumed with Edward Snowden, who did what I wish more people in the universe would do. But my opinions about whistleblowers are an entirely different matter and I'd prefer to get stoned for those opinions later..... Or never... Please? But for now, let's focus on the issue of gay marriage.

I support gay marriage. Or rather, I think the government shouldn't dictate what marriage is and make any form of marriage illegal. But let's just come back to reality where the government does have to get involved in everything.... Yes, I do support gay marriage. I believe that one person should not be denied happiness simply because their idea of happiness is something strange and foreign to others. How do we have any right to tell the LGBT community that they can't get married if nearly half of all "normal" marriages end in divorce? Sounds like we don't have any clue what we're doing either right?

Now to the LDS members that are currently putting a copy of The Proclamation to the World in an envelope and furiously scribbling my address on the front, let me say that I agree with all my heart that families were designed of eternal and divine order, with one man and one woman working together to raise a family. That being said, I know the Lord is over all things. I believe he can fix anything and put ANYTHING back to its most perfect form in the end. There's a lot that I don't know about this issue and I'm mature enough to admit I'm not all-knowing. I don't know why God creates people with different preferences, yet our church doesn't allow homosexual BEHAVIOR (not people) in the church. And guess what? That's not something any of us need to worry about. Because He's freaking GOD!!! And he has a much better idea of how to run a universe then we do. If God decides later that the church will accept the LGBT lifestyle into the church, then awesome. If God decides that it's still not ok, then he will deal with those that have engaged in that lifestyle in the most loving and merciful way that God decides to handle it. I refuse to believe that God would create people that he would hate for all of their existences. I refuse to believe that God would create people with the intention of forbidding them to be happy. That's not the type of God I believe in. I believe that if an LGBT person decides that he wants to go forward with this different lifestyle and that he honestly feels that this decision is right for him, God will be right there full of support and love.

I hope this posts makes sense to you. I want you to know that I know the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints is true and I know that without a doubt. In knowing that, I also know that I am entitled to agency and the ability to have my own opinion and voice. I don't quite see eye to eye on this doctrine of the church because I believe the LGBT community shouldn't be sentenced to a life of misery and unhappiness if they want to be part of this church. I do believe that the family is ordained of God and I love my own family with everything that I am. I just know that this world may not be perfect now but God can make it perfect in a way that will make everyone happy. I don't know how he's going to but I know it will blow our minds when it happens. For now, I believe no one should be stopped in their pursuit of true happiness. I support gay marriage.

I now give you permission to come stand in front of my window with your knives and pitchforks. Or some self-help pamphlets. Cookies would be nice too but hey, this is your party. What I do ask is that if you're going to be hateful, go post it somewhere else where I'm not going to see it.

Thanks lovelies! Loving and intelligent opinions are welcome.

Round and Round, I Won't Run Away This Time, If You Show Me What This Life Is For

So there's been a lot of stories on news sites lately comparing Superman to Christ (Just one example). Some Christian churches are even being asked to reference these similarities by movie marketers. (Can we all just take a minute to admire how superbly high tech I am? I posted links to other websites in my blog! Fancy! ;) ) This is my take on that because I did notice some kind of spiritual message about the Man of Steel.

While I can see the similarities from Superman to Christ, I'd like to think of Christ as a little more perfect than that. Yes, Superman was played by Henry Cavill, who looks like his face was sculpted by angels and his flawless frame may have made my brain go a little fuzzy when he took his shirt off ;) BUT I'd like to think that Superman represents us as individuals. In the movie, Clark talks to his father that raises him on Earth, questioning if he came from God or somebody else. His father says that he knew Clark had a father out there somewhere and sent Clark to Earth for a great purpose. He says "I have to believe that you were sent here for a reason. And even if it takes the rest of your life, you owe it to yourself to find out what that reason is."

I don't think I have to talk about a father from an outside universe that sent us to Earth and compare that to our own lives. I'm pretty sure you know where I would go with that ;) But Clark's father says we have to find out the reason we were sent to Earth by this father. If you ask any typical Primary kid why we were sent to earth, he would probably spit out an answer memorized word for word from the teaching manual. Something along the lines of to become like God and to get a body. But wouldn't you think you could do that anywhere in the world and at anytime in the history of the world? Couldn't you learn how to be a god as a caveman building fires just as much as a truck driver in the 21st century? Does it really matter when or how we gain this knowledge? To Clark's father it is. In fact, it truly makes a huge difference.

This is a pretty pivotal moment in my life, the time when wondering what your purpose is is really affecting your every decision. Is it really my purpose in life to become an auditor? Is it really my purpose in life to spend half of my life folding stacks of clothes at the Gap only to have them obliterated in a matter of seconds by overexcited women or stupid little boys? Is it really my purpose in life to be the girlfriend to a missionary, someone who I only hear from twice a week and I won't see for two years? Sometimes it's deeper questions than that. Is it really my purpose to be an example to three little brothers when I'm so far from perfect myself? Is it really my purpose to have broken a best friend's heart and break me into pieces along the way? Is it really my purpose to live in a time so full of challenges and temptations when I am such a weak individual myself?  Fortunately and unfortunately, it is. I really do have a lot of purposes in life, whether it's for building others and myself up or breaking others and myself down. And I'll discover plenty more purposes in life as the days and years go by. I don't necessarily owe it to myself to discover these reasons but I do owe it to the father that thought it was necessary to send me to this exact place at this exact time with these specific people. Because he apparently knows I need to be here for something. The crazy thing is in the grand scheme of things, all of these purposes are for the best. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? No matter what your purpose is, no matter if it's detrimental or beneficial, it shapes and molds yourself and others into the person you were designed to become. That is the beautiful reason of our existence: To shape ourselves into perfect people through the little purposes of other people and different experiences.

So go see this freaking movie!! It was fantastically written, Henry Cavill is a hottie, and it's just plain outstanding :) Look out for your purposes and make sure you fulfill them to the best of your abilities. Happy Tuesday darlings!

It's A Bittersweet Symphony, That's Life

I don't really know why I'm blogging today. Honestly, I think it's just because I'm really stressed out. It's apartment hunting season and it's had me panicking beyond description. Last night I had a dream that I had to share an apartment with a guy that slept in the nude except for his fake Gandalf beard and who frequently role-played Lord of the Rings in the kitchen. The night before it a serial thief who looked oddly like Tina Fey. During my powernap today it was my ex's family who made me work three jobs to support their extravagant lifestyle. Needless to say, I'm not excited to go to sleep tonight... Maybe I'll get lucky and my roommate will be Channing Tatum.

Anyway, today's post is going to be about something rather strange. My family and I recently started watching a show called Polygamy USA, which follows a few polygamist families and their lifestyle surrounding the FLDS religion and plural marriage. It is beyond fascinating and I highly recommend it to anyone with even a slight interest in the FLDS church. The people come from a community that left or were kicked out of Warren Jeff's community and went to go seek refuge to practice the FLDS religion before it was corrupted by Warren Jeff.

Needless to say, the Fundamentalists lifestyle is beyond strange to us in this day and age. When I lived in Seattle, I would get asked more frequently then you'd expect how many children I am going to have or how many other wives my husband is going to have. One confused little soul even asked how many husbands I was going to have... Point being that their lifestyle is something that even disgusts some people. One of the woman followed in the show is the first wife to a school teacher who has three wives total and has 18 children. The first wife stays at home to care for 9 children all under the age of 5 while the two other wives and the husband are at work and the other 9 children attend school. I'm sure you could imagine the troubles and stress this would cause on a person but despite all her hardships, this wife said she was incredibly happy. She was happy that she was raising a family so large because she felt that it was her mission in life and her way to thank her Heavenly Father for everything He had done for. She endured so many trials and lived this restrictive lifestyle all because it made her happy.

As you could tell a little bit from the beginning of the post and previous posts, life isn't exactly in the place I want it to be right now. In fact, I've discovered in these past few weeks that I recognize I'm not very happy. Working two jobs in which you realize the intelligence of man is incredibly low is fairly challenging. Changing universities and trying to figure out how to move your whole life to fit a new location is quite complicated. Being in a town where my biggest fear is that I'll run into someone I know (sad but very much true, Lehi and I have a tough relationship) is frustrating. Being constantly alone because all the people you call friends are scattered across the country in various capacities is disheartening. In thinking about my attitude towards this situation, it's come to the point where I don't feel being happy right now is very important because it'll all be ok when school's over, when settling into a career is over, when my hunt for somebody to love forever is over. In other words, only when life gets slightly less complicated will it be acceptable to want happiness.

I'd hate to think I feel happiness is just an occasional event, like going out to a fancy restaurant or spending the day in a theme park. But sometimes I, and hopefully others, see life this way. Just a roller coaster with ups and downs, only in this roller coaster, a time where it's acceptable to be happy is the high and the times where it isn't acceptable is a low.

This is a particularly hard roller coaster to get off of, especially when you're in the low parts watching the other cars on the ride doing corkscrews hundreds of feet in the air just a little further down the track. But it's truly ok to be happy. It's ok to dance in the rain. It's ok to still smile at people even if you can't decide whether to punch them in the face or curl into a ball and die. We're in the pursuit of happiness, meaning that we aren't always 100% happy, but we're trying to obtain it. We can ride the roller coaster happily because we know at some point, we'll climb higher and be doing corkscrews in the sky. And even if there's a steep drop to the bottom again, we can be happy knowing the coaster will do another round and we'll be soaring again soon. Clear the tracks of anything in your life that is causing you unnecessary happiness and ride on.

Please enjoy this video of the Backstreet Boys doing the Harlem Shake <3 Happy Sunday and enjoy the ride on your roller coaster!

What Is Love? Baby Don't Hurt Me No More

I have the tendency to live life only in the future. Ever since I graduated high school, every decision I make, even the stupid day-to-day decisions, are geared towards the next day or the next year in my life. For example, this morning I woke up planning out how every hour of my day tomorrow was going to go and how that was going to help Sunday go by smoothly. I live through this summer preparing  for the fall when I start school again with no thought to what else I will be doing the next three months besides saving money. I don't like to live in the present, it seems like a waste to me. I'm always a day, a month, a year, a decade ahead of myself. So that explains this post in the first place ;)

Yesterday I read this blog post that a Facebook friend posted.
http://crossshapedstuff.com/2013/06/04/how-i-know-my-wife-married-the-wrong-person/

I'll just sum up what it said if you don't want to read it. The blogger was talking about how his wife had married the "wrong" person because there isn't one superhuman person designed to fit her every wish and requirement. It described how society as planted the idea in our head that marriage will only work when it's with your "soulmate," your “smoking-hot, high-class, filthy rich, love-at-first-sight, sexually compatible, accept-me-as-I-am, Titanic-Notebook-Sweet-Home-Alabama-Twilight-esque, soul mate.”

I've been thinking a lot about this idea over the past day. I'd like to think that I don't believe that there is one person in the whole universe that is meant for me, that's the exact reciprocal of me, that completes me in every facet of my being. But I think deep down I really do believe it. Society really has brainwashed me into believing in this unattainable version of love and relationships. I really do believe that there is a superhuman person out there that is absolutely EVERYTHING I could ever hope for and that every single desire I will ever have in life will be fulfilled by this person. All I have to do is find him.

It's stupid that I'm using this as an example, but it illustrates my point. Let's look at Jim and Pam from the show The Office. They seem like they were created for each other, like their only purpose in life was to complete each other. They're never as happy with others as they are with each other. They are the perfect partners in crime and they truly are the best of friends. You can apply this to countless fictional couples: Noah and Allie from the Notebook, Romeo and Juliet, Daisy and Gatsby, Edward and Bella, just to name a few. They all have their soulmates, the person that was designed for them. If you look at the Great Gatsby, Daisy's true "soulmate" was Gatsby and when she choose to live her life with her husband instead, she never reached that same level of happiness as with Gatsby.

It's interesting that I still believe in this version of love, even though I have countless real-life examples of marriage and relationships all around me. With my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, family acquaintances, you know that they have troubles and that they aren't perfect. You know that they don't fully connect with each other in every aspect of a relationship yet they still sail on. So why is that we see this type of love right in front of our eyes, yet choose to believe in the flawless Hollywood love?

On the surface, I totally agree with the blog post in that there isn't one person created especially for you, that successful marriage and true love is more work than the world believes. But how do you un-brainwash yourself from this framework of mind? How do I move past the fear that I'm not going to find my Gatbsy and I'll choose someone much lower than I expect? How do you accept that no one is perfect for you and that no matter who you choose, you have to strive towards perfection one day at a time?

Usually I end my posts with an answer but on this topic, I got nothing. Just something to think about and I hope I can get some thoughts from people who have it figured out better than I do. Any and all ideas are welcome!

And just in case you forgot this video existed, here you go! Happy Friday lovelies!